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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect MiL to have at least popped in for a cup of tea and say goodbye to the kids?

32 replies

freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 12:41

We moved a few hundred miles away from our families 10 years ago and in those 10 years, MiL hasn't been to visit us until this weekend.

She's here with step-FiL, SiL and her partner and BiL, staying in a cottage about 10 minutes away.

Kids have been really excited about them coming over, were looking forward to showing then around and doing stuff with them

We've hardly seen them. They arrived on Friday afternoon and had planned on leaving at about 4pm this afternoon.

We met up for a takeaway Friday evening, met up for lunch yesterday, and had thought we'd see them today - we've got tickets to a Christmas market where you can go ice skating, see Santa, mooch around the stalls, etc.

She's just rung to say they decided to head home early and had left at 11

I'm just a bit pissed off that she didn't just pop in for a cup of tea and say good bye to the kids for 10 minutes on her way home - they would have driven past the top of our lane on the way out of the village they were staying in.

The kids are gutted they didn't see much of her

OP posts:
MissLToeishavingsantasbabyboo · 09/12/2012 12:46

How rude Xmas Shock, are they not a close family? I couldn't imagine why they wouldn't pop in before leaving. at least you can make it up to them with a fabulous market, ice skating, Santa day. Are you planning on seeing them again over Christmas? I would have to say something.

MissLToeishavingsantasbabyboo · 09/12/2012 12:47

Sorry the first them is the kids, the second them is the in laws.

SugaricePlumFairy · 09/12/2012 12:49

I vaguely recall you having a previous thread about her [unless I'm dreaming this Xmas Grin.

Isn't she a little tricky by nature?

Very bad manners of them to leave so hastily, I'm not surprised you're miffed.

TheNebulousBoojum · 09/12/2012 12:51

Did they know that you were planning on all these things to do with them?
Odd that she wants so little contact with her grandchildren, but then considering how many MNetters hate their MILs, perhaps she sees this as staying out of your way.
So, she hasn't visited. What is she usually like at birthdays, phonecalls or generally keeping in contact? How long since you visited her?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 12:53

Yes, we we're going back for Christmas, we were going to spend Boxing Day with them.

I just don't understand why then came all this way, spent 2 hours with us Friday and 2 hours with us yesterday before buggering off back home without a word.

The others all live close together so see each other most weeks anyway so we were under the impression they were here to see us.

Nowt as strange as my in-laws Grin

OP posts:
Jakadaal · 09/12/2012 12:55

This happens with my ILs -they have been known to make the journey up and actually drive past our town to go to another without calling in (they live about 4 hrs drive away) and see DC about twice a year. I have just come to accept it - I now have very little expectations of them and think that ultimately they are the ones losing out. In our case its also always usually down to my unsociable SFIL

Go to the Christmas market and have a lovely time here some mulled Wine

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 12:56

Yes, she knew we had tickets, she was enthusiastic about going, even yesterday when we saw then at lunch time.

I find her difficult, but tend to keep my head down and smile and nod for the sake of family relations.

OP posts:
MissLToeishavingsantasbabyboo · 09/12/2012 12:57

Tricky is a very polite way of putting it. Downright rude and needing a good poke in the eye about covers it! What has DH said about it?

DontmindifIdo · 09/12/2012 12:59

Is this the trip you were stressed about because she just told you the weekend she was coming and you had things with the DCs planned already?

V rude if you'd then moved your stuff around to make sure you could spend time with them and they new it.

perhaps there's been a falling out with BIL/SIL and they all just want to go home and get away from each other? She doesn't sound the most easy to cope with....

Brycie · 09/12/2012 13:00

"considering how many MNetters hate their MILs, perhaps she sees this as staying out of your way." Hmm

They are rude and don't like you and your children. It's the only explanation. I doubt they are charming and have read mumsnet, imagined that you therefore don't like them and have spared you their company out of consideration.

WelshMaenad · 09/12/2012 13:02

She sounds as lovely as mine. Back when dd was a toddler we drive 300 miles and booked into a hotel for grandparent in laws diamond wedding surprise party. In laws stated in same hotel. Following morning we got up at 8am and phoned them to see if they wanted to have breakfast with us to find they had checked out and ducked off home without even saying goodbye to us. They only see us 3 times a year so it wasn't like we'd be meeting up the following weekend. Rude, and fucking odd.

Have a lively time at the market without the mardy old cow.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 13:05

Sorry, missed a few points

We go back averaging once every 2 months. We usually stay with my parents as MiL's house is a gorgeous but tiny little cottage so we can't all squeeze in. We last saw her a couple of months ago

She does send cards and presents for Birthdays and is usually fab with the kids, they adore her.

They're not a particularly close family admittedly, I just don't see the point of coming all this way

She insisted on coming down this weekend, we did our best to accommodate her despite having a whole load of other stuff on and she was being really difficult about it

DH hasnt said much really, we're going to go to the market a bit later now, we were going to go early so MiL could come, but there's carol singers and whatnot on early evening so we're going then

OP posts:
TheNebulousBoojum · 09/12/2012 13:09

I agree then, she and her family sound rude and odd, better to keep a civil distance.
What does your DP make of it all?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 13:11

Don'tmind. Yes!

The trip that she insisted had to be this weekend, insisted she see us and expected us to cancel a whole load of other stuff to accommodate her

We had a shift around and begged for some extra tickets for the thing today.

We were going to go to a disco at Scouts last night, cancelled as she didn't want to go, then they booked the one local restaurant that doesn't allow kids for dinner last night. We went to the disco in the end

I just don't understand them. Very odd

OP posts:
VBisme · 09/12/2012 13:15

My PIL do this too, it's just really odd. In our case I think they love DH and the GC, but they aren't top of the list priority wise, (the dogs take that position), therefore they regularly leave early with no warning.
They aren't a close family, and my family are, so it feels very weird to me, but not to DH.

Brycie · 09/12/2012 13:17

There's one positive. You've got such a lot in the bank this time. So next time - don't bother. And you can say no without guilt.

HildaOgden · 09/12/2012 13:21

It definitely sounds rude...although if she looking forward to it yesterday,I'm thinking something happened yesterday evening to make her up sticks and go.

Would they have had a row amongst themselves,do you think?

Brycie · 09/12/2012 13:22

Even if something happened it's rude and immature. It's pretty pathetic behaviour from an adult.

HildaOgden · 09/12/2012 13:24

I agree Brycie,it's totally selfish of them.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 13:26

Speaking to DH, he thinks that as they had to be packed and out of the cottage by 11, they've just decided to leave now and not hang around

Which is fine, but they could have popped in for a cup of tea and said goodbye on the way past, or at least rung to let us know.

I doubt they've had a row, they're all in a car together for a couple of hours so it would be interesting if they had Grin

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FunnysFuckingFreezing · 09/12/2012 13:35

very odd but just the sort of thing my MIL would do. We only know of her whereabouts via Facebook! Usually on holiday somewhere.

She just doesn't seem bothered about the DC or us for that matter. She never send the DC presents for Christmas or birthday, just a card which is odd as they are only 2 and 7 and it would take no effort to put a tenner in the card. We have just come to the conclusion that she is too self absorbed and no to let it get to us.

BTW we moved 800 miles away and it took about 6 years for them to visit. I think she took the move as a personal slight

TooMuchRain · 09/12/2012 13:41

Seems v odd, but as you said She insisted on coming down this weekend, we did our best to accommodate her despite having a whole load of other stuff on maybe they realised that they were being 'accomodated' and not welcomed?

Brycie · 09/12/2012 13:52

"BTW we moved 800 miles away and it took about 6 years for them to visit. I think she took the move as a personal slight"

I think this explains everything perfectly. She's still paying you back.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 13:55

We did tell her when she insisted it had to be this weekend that we were busy.

We gave her a whole load of dates that would be OK, but if it had to be this weekend, she'd be more than welcome but we'd have to muddle through a bit and she'd have to amuse herself for a while.

We did try, we rearranged stuff, got extra tickets so she could be included in things we couldn't not go to, etc.

OP posts:
Brycie · 09/12/2012 13:57

It is a bit clearer now freddie, this is a sort of passive aggressive punishment. It may be that she doesn't even realise it herself, but it is.