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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think sister should pay for DD if she wants her to be bridesmaid?

22 replies

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2012 10:48

DSis is getting married. Very happy for her. Its not going to be yet.

She told me she wants DD as her bridemaid. Fine, no problem. The only problem is she is going to get married abroad because her and her DF have family all over the country so apparently getting some to go abroad is the easier option. Can't see the logic but up to them.

Anyway, I can't work due to poor health. DH isn't on a great wage. As it is in the future I thought that I could save some but for a family of 4 of us (and possibly another by then) it is going to cost quite a bit so I am thinking that it is highly unlikely we can afford it. DSis said she had been looking at packages where the wedding costs £10K and it includes 10 people. I asked her if she was going to pay for DD then seeing as she wants her as a bridesmaid (including her as one of the 10) and she just looked at me and said "no" with her eyebrows raised.

Ok, I have no problem with saying to her at the time that we are not going to be able to go if money is too tight, which is very likely and she knows that. But if she adamant that she wants her DN as a bridesmaid then surely she should be included in the 10 then we could see if we can find the money for 3 instead of 4 of us. AIBU to think that a bridesmaid should be accommodated for if the wedding party paid for is for 10 people?

OP posts:

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 09/12/2012 10:52

YANBU Your sister either needs to make sure that your dd is paid for or accept the possibility that she won't be there.

LRDtheFeministDude · 09/12/2012 10:53

I think she's being rude TBH.

I don't think there's a blanket rule that the bride 'should' pay for people - it used to be the bride's dad paid for the wedding party, but that's a pretty old fashioned rule and lots of people would do it differently now. But does she realize how bad your financial situation is? If not, I think you need to tell her you are really struggling for money and don't see how you can afford x amount.

Maybe that will make her see sense and help you out. Or let your mum and dad know, if they're more able to help out financially than she is?

Mumsyblouse · 09/12/2012 10:53

This 10 people package sounds horribly divisive, I bet lots of people will be upset and think they should have been paid for. I think you are lovely for trying to find a way to go, but depending where it is, it may be too expensive, even with you saving, as it is not just the flights, but the hotel, the food and so on. I would wait to see if she books it with the 10 people, and then if you can afford it go, if not, then your dd can't be a bridesmaid. It may be better not to have one child in the 10 anyway in case you all can't go for financial reasons.

Sallyingforth · 09/12/2012 10:54

No you're not BU at all.
If she's organising the wedding and specifying what she wants, it's up to her to pay for it. That means including her bridesmaids in the overall package.

fairylightsandtinsel · 09/12/2012 10:55

YANBU, if you can all go, then fine, your DD goes as part of your family group, but if she goes on her own then your DSis should pay - is that actually an option though? How old is your DD?

NagooHoHoHo · 09/12/2012 10:57

Yanbu.

cozietoesie · 09/12/2012 10:57

She should pay for her in the circumstances.

And make sure your DD isn't in the room if any of these things are discussed. It would be bad for her to be built up to being a bridesmaid by hearing your DSis mention it and then not being able to - or you being guilted into it for that reason.

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 09/12/2012 10:59

mmm, probably, or at least pay for half your family. She's put herself in this position, though, by asking your DD to be a bridesmaid. If she insists on the bridesmmaid duties and insists she's not paying, that's your exit clause!.

I hope she will pay for the bridesmaid's dress, no matter what.

Is she normally mean, or is she stressing and getting a bit blind to others?

Sallyingforth · 09/12/2012 11:02

As LRD says it used to be the bride's father who paid, but that was when weddings were a modest affair in the local church, and friends and relatives attended there.
Now the fashion is for elaborate expensive affairs, often in foreign parts. If the bride wants something like that she can bloody well pay for it, including the costs of those who are invited to attend.

Original poster

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2012 11:02

I wouldn't let DD go on her own (she is 22 months now but will be anything up to about 5 or 6 when DSis gets married). Just, if she was paid for there would be (possibly) more chance of us affording it for the rest of us and trying to incorporate a family holiday at the same time. If we all couldn't afford it, I would try and take DS and leave DH at home if DSis paid for DD but I know what she will say. She will include probably parents in the 10, not sure who else but seeing as she said no to including DD, it is unlikely to happen. Not sure who else she would actually include though if she isn't planning on including her bridesmaids.

She wants it in Cyprus, on the beach.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2012 11:05

"Now the fashion is for elaborate expensive affairs, often in foreign parts. If the bride wants something like that she can bloody well pay for it, including the costs of those who are invited to attend. "

I agree. I am getting increasingly fed up with how much weddings are costing to other people. My brother is getting married next year. In our city. It is going to cost me nothing (apart from new outfits and a present obviously) but I won't need to pay travel or accommodation. What happened to weddings like this!

I do think it is selfish to say you are getting married abroad, then expecting people to pay to go over with you. It will cost a couple of thousand. I would rather use that for the kids in another way, euro disney or something, which we also can't afford yet.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 09/12/2012 11:08

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send my dd. weddings in exotic places are costly for people to travel to and if money was tight I'd find better things for any spare money I did have.

Wish her well, tell her you're sorry but you won't be going and buy her an ironing oars or similar.

squeakytoy · 09/12/2012 11:10

If the wedding is four years away then a lot could happen in that time. I wouldnt worry about it too much now.

Original poster

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2012 11:11

viva I see your point as I always feel like that. Any spare money of that amount I would rather spend on the house (the hopefully bigger one we will have when DSis does get married) or upgrading the car. DH's older car isn't going to last forever.

OP posts:

BerryChristmas · 09/12/2012 11:11

So, your daughter is nearly 2 (better than 22 months!), and the wedding will not be for 2-3 years?? Is that right??

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/12/2012 11:12

You said 'if she is adamant she wants dd as bridesmaid'. That's what matters.

If she really does want your dd there and will create a fuss if you don't take her, then YANBU. If your sister accepts graciously that she won't be able to have your dd as bridesmaid, then she can choose who she wants to be included in her package.

sudaname · 09/12/2012 11:12

Just a thought - am not sticking up for her btw. But is it possible that it would be less than cost effective to include a child in the 10. Would it not cost more for adults for certain aspects of the package so therefore wouldnt get as much moneys worth out of it if included someone who would cost less anyway iyswim.
Agree is being a bit mean though to not at least offer to buy her dress, if not pay for her flight at least to take a bit of expense off you.

DontmindifIdo · 09/12/2012 11:21

Then you say "OK, well you need to not tell DD she's going to be a bridesmaid because it's unlikely we'll be there." then drop the subject. She might offer to pay, but don't ask again, just say you won't be going.

BTW - the 10 people included is because most normal people planning an overseas wedding do pay for the wedding party to go, so bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids and their families. possibly both sets of parents as well. The view is anyone on top of that is 'optional' - you pay for those you "need" to be there. If she "needs" your DD to be there, then she'll pay for her. If not, then she doesn't really care either way.

IME an overseas wedding costs the same as a UK one, but what you do is you make your guests pay some of the costs.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 09/12/2012 11:21

Of course the wedding party should be included in the 10.

I think you should just give her tacky destination wedding a miss and tell her to find another bridesmaid.

Sallyingforth · 09/12/2012 11:39

Any spare money of that amount I would rather spend on the house
Well said. Use your money for something that will be a permanent benefit to your own family. Don't waste it on a one-off boost to someone else's wedding that has a 50% chance of being wasted by a subsequent divorce

MrsMushroom · 09/12/2012 11:45

What Sleighbells said.

Original poster

CrazyChristmasLady · 09/12/2012 21:08

"Use your money for something that will be a permanent benefit to your own family"

Thats exactly what I think and would much rather do tbh.

When the subject does come up again, I will tell her it is unlikely we will be able to afford it so she can make up her mind of either including DD or finding another bridesmaid, or just having 1. I think she is having her DFs sister too. I would be interested to know if she would be included in the 10. Seeing as 10 would be her, groom, 2 sets of parents that still leaves 4 spaces so I am not sure who they would include. To me it would be bridesmaids and best man but seeing as DSis already said DD won't be included in that then I don't know how they are going to do it.

Looks like we won't be going. If she complains then tough tbh. It could go either way, she can be temperamental at times.

Thanks MN, just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being U before the subject and our likely declining arises again.

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