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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to buy my own present

26 replies

cheekybaubles · 09/12/2012 09:56

I would just like one thing done for me that I haven't had to arrange myself.

I am in charge of Christmas. I decorate, shop for all presents, cards, food and decorations. We are on a very tight budget so have been shopping for ages to get the best deals on toys etc and as I am nearly finished now apart from family to sort I wanted to be able to concentrate on finish painting and decorating and getting food for Christmas dinner then dh says to me last night "have you sorted your present from me yet?"

He has one present to but, mine and he wants me to source it and buy it myself. He is on the feckin laptop every night and still can't manage to press a god damn button to buy me a gift.

I told him I refuse to arrange my own gift and if he wants to look like a twat on Christmas morning (we have friends staying) he can. Cue offended dh now not talking to me and has stropped off to play golf for the day without a word.

Aibu?

OP posts:
mistressploppy · 09/12/2012 09:57
Sad

YANBU. Let him strop. I bet he comes round

fuzzpig · 09/12/2012 09:59

YANBU. He's being a twat to just assume you would do it.

It really doesn't take long to buy something nice on amazon or eBay does it.

I actually keep a wishlist all year round on amazon and add anything I think of throughout the year, not just stuff I want but stuff I think others might like. Makes present buying pretty effortless really!

GrassIsntGreener · 09/12/2012 10:00

Wow! No you are most certainly not unreasonable at all. Sad

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns · 09/12/2012 10:03

YANBU my parents always do this and it makes me so sad that they just can't be arsed to think what I might like. I spend ages trying to think of then find nice stuff for them.

I tell them what £10 book / cd I want off Amazon and it's delivered to me, they can't even be bothered wrapping it. Makes you feel really valued, doesn't it? :(

Original poster
cheekybaubles · 09/12/2012 10:14

I agree guinns I thought people might tell me to grow up but I gave him some suggestions about six weeks ago and they are on his watch list because I already found them for him. He just had to press the 'buy now' button.
Could he make me feel anymore unappreciated if he tried?

OP posts:
freddiefrog · 09/12/2012 10:15

YANBU

My DH is the same. He mucks in with all the other shopping but seems to have a mental block when it comes to mine.

I wanted some concert tickets one year, I gave him all the details, he just had to book it, he left it so long the concert sold out.

Just once, I'd like a present I haven't had to source or buy myself

FlourFace · 09/12/2012 10:17

YADNBU. Although my DP does sometimes get me random tat a lot of thought goes into it.

Original poster
cheekybaubles · 09/12/2012 10:20

I feel awful for moaning I know some people don't get anything (like me this year probably) but I don't care how inexpensive it is I would just like to think he thought I would like it.

OP posts:
44SoStartingOver · 09/12/2012 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2012 10:23

Good lord. No YANBU. Especially as you have arranged everything and all he needs to do is push a button.

It sounds like he is passive-aggressively 'punishing' you for something. Like, maybe he doesn't care about Christmas and thinks you make too much of it, so this is his passive-agressive way of putting you in your place. Or something nasty like that.

I assume this is not the only way in which he's a jerk though.

44SoStartingOver · 09/12/2012 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2012 10:25

I don't think you're moaning. I think most people would be hurt by this, unless they have a tradition of no adult presents.

And I agree with 44, don't give him anything if he can't be arsed.

ssd · 09/12/2012 10:27

I feel for you op

dh is like this too, but anything he does buy me gets returned so I can see where he's coming from

he says I'm really hard to buy for , yeah right, this is a woman with no perfume/new clothes or shoes or bags, no smellies....hardly has it all !!!

Fairylea · 09/12/2012 10:36

Yanbu.

My dh and I have a joint account but we take care to take cash out and go and buy a present (so the other person can't see on the banking where the money was spent) so we both have a nice surprise.

I would be very very hurt if dh acted like yours.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/12/2012 10:41

YANBU. DH has been known to forget altogether Xmas Sad but at least he knows that's his fuck-up and doesn't try to get shouty with me about it.

DeckSwabber · 09/12/2012 11:06

YANBU.

Just say you are not doing it, end of. No further discussion. And buy yourself something nice anyway.

I really sympathise about having to sort all of Christmas. I am a single mum of three boys. My mum only ever gives cash, complaining endlessly that she doesn't know what to buy and that we are all so 'difficult'. My brother leaves all present buying to his wife so she will get me something but I will feel guilty about her having to do his present buying. The boys will get me what I want if I tell them - but what I really want is for someone to think about it and surprise me. I've got almost no leave left so I will be at work most of Christmas but I still have to do the tree, the shopping, the cooking and cleaning, and this year I am driving 180 miles on Christmas Eve and again on Boxing Day to get my mum here and home again as well as cooking the Christmas lunch. My brother, who is bringing himself and his family and in-laws to the lunch, won't lift a finger.

Hulababy · 09/12/2012 11:14

YANBU. I would hate to have to buy my own gifts. I love that DH always chooses and buys me a lovely present or two, as well as helping DD chose something too.

I do have an Amazon wishlist (with stuff on it not just from Amazon) which he has access too. I do that mainly as family always want ideas, and I keep it all year round as helps me prioritise what I want to buy myself during year too. DH has access to this and uses it for ideas although often buys other things too.

margarethamilton · 09/12/2012 11:15

I hate this and really feel for you. Whilst DH is great in this respect, his family don't buy him anything for Christmas so he has nothing to open from them. Just a token gift to say he's appreciated would be nice? We get the tenner in a card "We didn't know what to get" treatment too.

I don't agree with rampant materialism at Christmas but it hurts me that they seem not to care at all.

Original poster
cheekybaubles · 09/12/2012 11:16

Ah Jesus deckswabber now I feel awful. I will return DH's presents (yes, already bought) and send something to you I think?

OP posts:
autumnmum · 09/12/2012 11:29

YANBU x10

A friend of mine told me the other day her DP does this and was shocked when a lot of us told her ours actually chose presents unaided. Her DP made her think all men do this - they don't. I think it is incredibly disrespectful to not be arsed to get a present for the mother of your children. It doesn't have to be expensive, it could even be homemade, but it really is the thought that counts. If I were you I would be tempted to buy something useless and outrageously expensive (new hadbag perhaps!) and maybe that will make him be a bit more interested next Christmas.

MummytoMog · 09/12/2012 11:30

DH hadn't asked me yet, I should really think about what I want him to get me. Or I'll get something 'lovely' again that I have to hide.

YANBU, he's a dick. Return his presents and use the money to go have a massage.

DeckSwabber · 09/12/2012 11:50

Aw Cheekybaubles, no need for that. Just feeling sorry for myself!

If I were you I'd be spitting feathers. Your partner is an adult behaving like a teenager, and I bet the real reason is that he feels embarrassed that he doesn't know what to get you. Could you tell him to ask one of your friends or family for ideas?

Original poster
cheekybaubles · 09/12/2012 11:55

I have already put the item on his 'watch list' on ebay, he only has to press 'buy now'.
I would love to spoil myself to new bag but poorer that a church mouse this year.
It's just the thought (lack of it) that hurts.
Anyway enough of this self pity, spare room needs sorting out.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 09/12/2012 12:59

OP, I'm a bit concerned that you're labeling your perfectly reasonable feelings about this as 'moaning' and 'self-pity'.

Sure, not getting a Christmas present is not the worst tragedy in the world.

BUT having a husband who does not seem to care about or respect your feelings is a pretty serious problem.

I mean, he behaves like a jerk, you call him on it, and he fucks off to play golf? What?

And how is it that you are poorer than a church mouse but he can still afford to play golf?

Sorry, it's just, grrrrr, your DH's actions are making me rage-y on your behalf.

Do return his presents if he can't be bothered to sort himself out.

PerryCombover · 09/12/2012 13:02

adults should buy their own gifts except for a book and chocs perhaps