to be upset with my mum?

[Gottabbrave]

My mum seems to value the show them whos boss style of parenting which in some ways is a good thing but was a bit narked today
took dcs out for a walk younger one in buggy while my 2 yr old walked. Not a long walk realy. Anyway 9 month old would not wearhis hat so she held it on his head and said if he were mine id strap it on to which i replyed under the chin tie on bonnets went out with the ark and proceeded to keep putting my sons hat back on and various distraction techniqes to no avail.
My 2 year old then cryed as she wanted to be carried so i carried her. She would not be carried by nanna who then began taking her off me and scolding her for her then tantrum!
She has always said im too soft with my dcs and that i make life hard for myself by pandering to their needs which i am guilty of and exhaustion kicks in regularly but her harsh line approach which she has always had even with me as a child i do find unfair and un necessary. Children dont try and control us do they? That age i mean. They need guidance yes but i think they mainly want to feel loved and wanted. Its upsetting how nasty she can sound when they kick off . I dont think my relationship with my mum has ever been great as i felt not worthy and slightly unloved myself but am i being over sensitive? Is she right to have such an approch ? If so why am i so reluctant to have them in her care?

My MIL can be a bit like your Mum at times so I can sympathise. Of course a 9 month old and a 2 year old don't try to control parents, what a mad idea!
No real advice I'm afraid, I just tend to switch my ears off when MIL starts and make vague 'hmmm' noises and carry on as I'm doing...
Re the hat, I found that my 9 month old can't take her hat off if I put her hood up over the top. She got quite irate about it at first but gave up in the end.

A 9mnth can't control themselves, never mind you. A 2yr old? Different kettle of fish. But in these circumstances just tired so automatically wants you not some one giving off angry vibes.
I think people just forget. Like your mind dulls the memories of childbirth or lack of sleep and its rose tinted specs all the way.

IMO you're right and at 2 YO and only 9 months (especially) it's encouraging them to do stuff rather than being as strict as you would do with an older child.

When it comes down to brass tacks, it's not up to your mum what parenting style you've personally chosen for your DC, and it's not on for her to undermine you in front of your children.

What you say, goes.

You say you have a backstory of not getting on with your mum, would a lot of that be when you've questioned or not done as you're told by her, by any chance?

If it is, you can't let her manipulate you into silence when she's taking your DC to task in a way you don't feel comfortable with.

You must speak up on behalf of your children (which can be a good prompter if you're not feeling strong enough to tackle her).

There's not need to be emotional/shitty about it, just say it firmly and repeatedly, because ignoring it is letting her think you're OK with her behaving like that and you obviously are not.

9 month old not so much but a two year old can definitely work out which adult will more easily give in & do what they ask for.

They learn young!

I have had the whole lecture about hats from mil as none of mine would keep hats on as under twos.
Very frustrating...

you're the boss. tell her that and mean it.

It's a good job we don't pay per word lovebunny, you'd be the one better off saying what I took paragraphs to say, in 9 words

Tell your Mum they are your dc and you will parent them your way.

My Mum was terrible for undermining me in front of my dc. Telling me off for shouting at them etc. Used to annoy me a lot as she shouted at me a lot as a kid. Also annoying as she should not have said it in front of the dc.

It all came to a head two christmases ago when I was pg with dd, shouted at ds1 and she told me not to. Cue hormonal me going off it at her along the lines of, he's my child and I'll shout at him if I want. Not my finest moment but she has never undermined me since.

your 9 month old just doesnt like hats.

your 2 yr old completely knows how to play the system if like other two year olds.

Anyway, hat wearing is unnecessary. Has been disproved that we loose heat from head so I'm on babies side, can't stand things on my head.
So there :P