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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that friend's Dad has pretty much abandoned her?

20 replies

PrincessTeacake · 08/12/2012 21:23

A little backstory, I moved out of the city recently due to continuing ill health, I'm living two hours away by train and I commute to work. I stay in a bed and breakfast some nights but I also take the spare room in my friend's house some nights. The arrangement suits us both, I contribute to the house account and because we''re both disabled (I have fibromyalgia and she has epilepsy) we can look after each other a bit.

The house she lives in is owned by her Dad, he lives next door. Her brothers also lived here but one moved out last year and the other just moved to Austria. She has seizures at least twice a week and shouldn't really be left alone. On top of that, the house is in really bad condition. It's old, the heating is woefully inadequate and there's a draught coming from the windows all the time. The shower is, to be crude, like getting pissed on from a great height, only one nozzle is letting water through and according to my friend all the pipes need replacing. I can't take a shower here because the cold gives me muscle spasms and I'm already sitting on a hot water bottle with a scarf and gloves on round the clock. I get dressed under the duvet.

My friend doesn't pay rent, she gets the DLA which mostly goes to food and bills, so technically she's not a tenant, but I don't see why her father should let the house deteriorate like this, not to mention letting his vulnerable disabled daughter live like this. His own house has double glazing, modern furnishings, he's just gotten married and been on holiday so money's not the problem. And I know she's an adult but she's an adult that will never drive, may never work and has little support or encouragement. I'm even older and working but my father would never let me live like this. Am I justified in getting this angry?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/12/2012 21:26

He's given her the house to live in rent free?

quoteunquote · 08/12/2012 21:30

she needs some legal advice, and some proper support,

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 21:31

Does she have a carer? Are social services involved?

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 21:32

To be honest this doesn't make sense.

INeedThatForkOff · 08/12/2012 21:35

Why doesn't it make sense? YANBU. Seems like your friend's father feels he's doing his duty. Surely she'd be better off living with him.

HollyBerryBush · 08/12/2012 21:35

Surely it's her choice to live there? She does seem quite badly disabled by her epilepsy. Surely she could find alternative accommodation, which would include HB etc and be upto proper habitable standards?

ClippedPhoenix · 08/12/2012 22:20

It doesn't make sense ineed due to the fact that the op is saying all her friend gets is DVLA when she could have a carer and social support if it were asked for. The fact that the OP is saying her friend is in a terrible drafty house etc. need not be the case. It makes me wonder what the OP is doing there.

pingpongmerrilyonhigh · 08/12/2012 22:34

Does the dad actually know how bad the house is?
Has he been told that the shower is blocked, the windows are draughty that the heating is inadequate?

I can't see that he's abandoned her if he is allowing her to live there rent free

Does the OP pay rent for living there?
Does the OP pay anything towards the bills?
Why doesn't the daughter investigate what choices she has re help with her disability, housing, housing benefit, allowances?

Has anyone looked into cleaning or replacing the shower head

PrincessTeacake · 08/12/2012 22:55

We're in Ireland, the DLA works differently here, my friend is relatively able-bodied so doesn't need a carer, but due to the severity and frequency of her seizures she's unable to work. She's never lived away from home and to be honest I think she's kind of afraid to try. Her mother died when she was in her early teens and as far as I can tell her Dad just gave up on raising her. I do try to encourage her but I'm not there all that often.

As for what I'm doing here, I receive the DLA too but I also work part time on a week-on, week-off basis. I have friends and events to go to in the city so I choose to lodge here about once a fortnight for three days or so. I contribute the bills and pay a small rent while I'm here and it saves me having to make long commutes home when I'm unwell.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 08/12/2012 23:01

As some posters have said, some people make the choice (in a round about way) to live as they do, even if it can look uncomfortable from the outside.

I'm not sure what you could do even if you decided to act on what you know. It'd be putting everyone in an awkward position if you tried to interfere in a relationship (between your friend and her dad) that really has nothing to do with you.

Unless your friend brings the situation up and asks for support and advice, which you can give, I think you can only be there for her when she needs you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, just because you know you wouldn't like to live in that situation doesn't make you responsible for the life your friend has.

Floggingmolly · 08/12/2012 23:02

Her Dad just gave up on raising her
But she's presumably an adult now, capable of living independently? Or are you suggesting she moves back in with her Dad and his new wife? You say she doesn't need a carer Confused

PrincessTeacake · 08/12/2012 23:03

Oh, forgot to say, I have talked to her about talking to her Dad regarding the shower, but she said he never does anything to fix the broken things in the house but won't hear of getting someone else to do it. My Dad offered to have a look at it (he lives two counties away) but he'd be worried about offending my friend's Dad which would make things awkward for me lodging there.

Another big problem we're having is that her brothers used to look after her when she had seizures at night. I'm on long-term medication that knocks me out cold at night and three times I've slept through her fits, and when I do wake up I'm usually too drowsy to be much good.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 08/12/2012 23:07

The house aside, what would your solution be for care for your friend? Is there a residential home, does that sort of thing exist for people who cant manage on their own?

AgentZigzag · 08/12/2012 23:08

Thinking about what you've said again, as her friend you don't want to see what would be considered 'officially' as an adult with additional needs, struggling to stay afloat.

Is that what you're trying to decide? Whether it's a case of what my first post says (that it would be interfering to intervene in their relationship), or whether this is bad enough to over rule those considerations, and you would therefore have a duty to report what you see as neglect to the authorities (or at least find help for her somewhere)?

threesocksfullofchocs · 08/12/2012 23:10

I don't get the OP
why should her father house her?
why should she be classed as disabled due to epilepsy?
sorry just confused

WorraLorraTurkey · 08/12/2012 23:12

If she's able bodied and can't work, why can't she fix the shower herself? Confused

threesocksfullofchocs · 08/12/2012 23:13

sorry this makes no sense at all??

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 08/12/2012 23:14

not sure how it works in NI but here anyone with a disability is entitled to a full assessment by social services.

has she had anything similar?

does she claim all her entitlements?

can she not pay for her own repairs?
is she classed as a tenant? and he the landlord?

does she get housing benefit etc?

WorraLorraTurkey · 08/12/2012 23:16

How is living nextdoor to your adult offspring 'abandoning' them?

And just because he got married and went on a honeymoon, how on earth does that give you the right to assume 'money's not the problem'?

That's mad.

CleansLate · 08/12/2012 23:23

I'm an adult who "will never drive, may never work and has little support or encouragement", but I can still arrange for basic home maintenance to be carried out or outsourced... how old is your friend OP?

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