Partners ex refuses to buy dsd a new bra....

[humptydidit]

Briefly... Dp's ex recently made a payment of £1000 through CSA for arrears accrued over the last 5 years. His regular payments from CSA have been £50 per month so this was a great unexpected windfall.

Dp went out and bought dsd and dss christmas presents (an x box and a tablet computer thing), took dsd to a martial arts competition (costing approx £100 in total), paid dsd's martial arts training fees for the month (£50) and generally stocked up the cupboards ready for christmas etc etc.

As you can imagine, it has mostly gone now.

Cut to today, dsd is out shopping with her mum. We are being bombarded by dsd and ex-wife by texts demanding that dp pays for a new bra for dsd (15). Dp said no based on the fact that he is off work at the moment and money is tight and also that dsd has at least 3 other bras in the correct size in her drawer which she refuses to wear because they are not padded enough

dp eventually agreed to go halves on the bra but that wasn't good enough and is now getting it in the neck because of the £1000 payout.

AIBU to think that if ex-wife agreed to take dsd shopping, then she should at least go halves on it? Especially since it is an extra, not an essential.

[JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit]

lovebunny why exactly do you find it creepy?

I am struggling to understand how on earth anything the op has said could be creepy! Unless of course you are some kind of creep yourself whose mind works in rather disturbing ways.

[diaimchlo]

YADNBU.... You and your DP have provided the finances to provide everything your DSS over the last 5 years for god's sake..... The NRP has not..... She has made an arrears payment of £1000, which IMHO would only cover a small amount of what you have spent.... So buying the xbox etc and getting Christmas ready with it was a nice choice especially as it benefits your DSS in a lovely way.

A mother takes her daughter shopping..... and the daughter asks for a bra?
She should pay for it and not kick up a stink, but please not from somewhere like Primark, I am sure she does want a disposable one, as most of their clothing appears to fall apart very quickly.....

To those of you who have slated the OP stop making judgements as said before if the NRP was male then oh what a stink you would kick up..... With NRP being female in this instance I think it makes it worse as thing such as your daughter's under wear is normally a very Mother Daughter issue, She should be ashamed of herself!!!!!!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas xx

[Solola]

What I don't understand is why, if money has previously been that tight that your DP had to borrow some to buy school uniform, would he just blow £1000 on non essentials? Even if he was working when it came, surely previous experience would mean he'd be sensible to put some aside for a rainy day? Treats for the DC don't have to be and X box?

[FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda]

At 15ish my daughter refused to wear the properly fitting bras I'd bought her as she wanted ones with more padding too. Although it appeared to be an unnecessary 'want'. I'm not sure that was the case. The problem you see is that at this age their breasts are frequently uneven and noticeably different sizes. Padded bras even this difference out and so made them feel more comfortable with their shape.

[HeathRobinson]

Do you generally spend more on dss than dsd?

[Thumbwitch]

As an aside, this business of t-shirt/slightly padded/formed cup bras makes me a bit angry as I have just been to buy a nursing bra and the fecking thing has a formed cup! WHHYYY? No choice available (in that shop anyway) of getting one in plain cotton - they all had the formed cup.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

HeathRobinson
"Do you generally spend more on dss than dsd?"

Looks pretty even to me.

[LessMissAbs]

I can't believe adults getting themselves in such a state over such an embarrasing issue for a child. Grow up and sort it out - take the noble line and spend the whole £15 bloody pounds!

As for the ex, he has paid his dues, which are more than many do, and you didn't spend it that wisely and treated it like "an unexpected windfall".

Therefore the ex comes out of this looking a lot better than you.

[GhostShip]

LessMissAbs -they were owed that money. I assume that because there were no payments previously they had to use money that they might have used to save for christmas presents etc, so telling them they should have 'spent it wisely' is irrelevant. £1000 is nothing compared to what they will have spent.

The ex comes across as looking like a complete and utter fool. Taking her daughter on a shopping trip then 'bombarding' them with texts about paying for a sodding bra? What sort of person does that? She should have just bought her one like any mother would and thats that. If she really had a problem with it she should have had a quiet word later on and asked for half - although even that to me is unreasonable.

[GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy]

Bloody hell. I'll buy the bra...

[nkf]

Gwendolin, I'll chip in.

[ethelb]

why oh why do sdivorced parents (and step parents) on MN chose to make their step daughters puberty a point of contention?

How is the poor girl going to prove she needs a different bra size? Get them out in front of everyone with a tape measure ffs?

This reminds me of the blood stained knickers thread a bit tbh.

[timeforachangebaby]

FFS Its not about the bra is it, its the principle, it could be shoes, and ipad or a new CD, if the NRP has taken their own child shopping, then they should be spending their own money.

[nkf]

Yes. The OP's husband could have ignored the texts. Why did he have to have a fight over it?

[nkf]

Personally, if I were the NRP, I would buy both essentials and treats if I could.

[timeforachangebaby]

I can just imagine ringing exh from town and demanding he pay for half of anything, he would rightly tell me to sod off.

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

For everyone getting at tho op imagine the fuss if a male exp took their dcs on a shopping trip then phoned the op demanding money........the double standards on here really piss me off

[BoneyBackJefferson]

nkf
"Yes. The OP's husband could have ignored the texts. Why did he have to have a fight over it?"

I'm hoping that that is an ironic statement.

[AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow]

Creepy lovebunny? That's a weird POV

[nkf]

What double standards? Most people say the mother shouldn't have asked for the money. A few say the father should pay but only to keep the peace. Or have I missed something?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

This is ridiculous. It's a bra. £15 or £4 it's just a bra

She's 15,unless given pocket money how exactly is she meant to buy her own? Most employers don't take on people under 16 (or indeed anyone at all currently). Yes it may be a case of want over need,but really...so? She didn't need an Xbox or a tablet and yet those were bought and at much higher cost.

The mum is being very petty imo. But really,it's a non issue and I can't believe grown adults are arguing about it. Poor girl.

But "the mum should buy the bra" / "it's a mother and daughter thing" eh? What an odd outlook. It's just clothing

[VivaLeBeaver]

Can I also comment about the fact she apparently has decent bras but wants one that's more padded?

I read an interesting article about teens and padded bras a while ago. Teens don't wear padded bras in an attempt to make their breasts look bigger as I'd assumed. According to the article teens who are self conscious about their breasts prefer padded bras as they perceive their breasts to be more hidden/under a thicker layer.

It may be that this girl is wanting a more padded bra for this reason. Due to that I'd buy her one.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It says in the op that the nrp was paying £50 a month but obviously that was not what they should have paid because arrears where built up.

[humptydidit]

Thank you for all your comments. Even the ones saying me and dp were in the wrong are helpful to see things from a different side!

To clarify, dsd currently has 3 padded bras, including 1 super dooper ultra padded one.

Dp has basically disengaged from ex-wife and ignores her mostly beyond basic contact regarding the kids, but when she keeps throwing the £1000 arrears payment back in his face it makes my blood boil.

In response to those who said it was foolish to buy kids expensive christmas presents, perhaps it was... Dp paid back the money for the school uniforms and the school trip, he borrowed it from family before he got the £1000. The payout from ex=wife meant that christmas has been paid for without getting into debt which is the first year ever, and I'm sure we are not alone in that situation!