To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

[Zavi]

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

[Zavi]

My DC was punished. He got told off: by the other DC, by the other DC's mother, by the class teacher, by the junior school teacher, by me, by his Dad.

I would like to have told other DC off for not having escalated the matter to a teacher in the first place. However, he chose not to do that (and I personally would never approach someone else's DC over a matter that I had not witnessed myself.)

The reason why the other DCs mother had a go at my DC I think is because: she couldn't rely on her own DC to escalate matters to a teacher because her DC chose not to - he didn't want to get my DC into trouble.

Whilst the matter was done and dusted between the boys with apologies having been made and accepted, the mother was still fuming about it.

Btw the school called the mother in to discuss the matter following my complaint. Mother was told her behavior towards my DC was unacceptable and a "note to file" has been made in relation to the other mother. If she behaves like that again she will be banned from the campus. If she does it again after that her child will be removed from the school.

Higgledyhouse: this other mother's DC hurt another child previously (leaving marks on the body). Other mother would not allow the mother of the child who had been hurt to "discuss the matter" with her DC - she wanted to discipline her child herself. So she treated my DC in a way that she didn't want her own DC to be treated. She dished out what she couldn't take herself.

[Zavi]

Coralanne: I would have complained to the school if anyone treated my child like that (what was she telling your child off FOR anyway?).

With no complaint this other parent will think that that kind of behaviour is acceptable - and may do it to another child in the future.

I would have felt duty-bound, almost, to have made a compliant about that kind of behaviour.

[takataka]

I would like to have told other DC off for not having escalated the matter to a teacher in the first place

The reason why the other DCs mother had a go at my DC I think is because: she couldn't rely on her own DC to escalate matters to a teacher because her DC chose not to - he didn't want to get my DC into trouble

Whilst the matter was done and dusted between the boys with apologies having been made and accepted, the mother was still fuming about it

I find your perception of the situation (as above) really wrong. being 'done and dusted' amongst 8 year old boys doesn mean that things have been settled in a fair manner and be left alone. The other mother wasnt still angry because she couldnt rely on her own DC , she was angry because your dc thumped hers, and had no consequence!!

I wouldn't want my dc to come to yours for playing; I wouldnt trust you to protect my dc or treat them fairly

[trueblood1fan]

ok, so you told him off - big whoop - what punishment did the you/the school give him or is he to precious to be punished?! your ds was really out of order but you seem to hell bent on putting all the blame on this other mother who obviously cant come & discuss with you as you dont do anything about it?! your ds wouldnt be welcome at my home but the other lad would.

[ReallyTired]

Btw the school called the mother in to discuss the matter following my complaint. Mother was told her behavior towards my DC was unacceptable and a "note to file" has been made in relation to the other mother. If she behaves like that again she will be banned from the campus. If she does it again after that her child will be removed from the school.

I'm pleased to hear that the mad bitch has had her umuppance. Bullying is unacceptable whether its done by adults or children.

The school has reminded all parents that there is a CORRECT proceedure for dealing with bullying by children. I think the letter shows that the school will do whatever necessary to protect the children. I would be surprised if they can legally exclude a child whose parent repeatly misbehaves. That seems an empty threat.

[Zavi]

My son didn't cause any skin marks, there were no tears, no teacher was involved, the other child chose not to tell a teacher, my son apologised, the 2 DC carried on playing with each other. Yes, I call that done and dusted.

I allow my DC to make mistakes. I was pleased that he apologised to the other DC without needing to be told to do that.

I also allow other DC to make mistakes. There have been several incidences this term where my DC has been hurt by other DC and the teacher has got involved.

I wouldn't dream of approaching another child over any incident that takes place at school though (not least because I wouldn't have witnessed it)!

I think this other mum's approach towards my son was aggressive. I think she set out to intimidate my son and she succeeded! I think that the way she treated my DC was disproportionate and far worse than the way my DC treated her DC.

I think what this mother should have done was to remind her DC that, when hurt by another child, it NEEDS to be reported to a teacher, even if her DC would prefer not to do that. Then I think the mother should have informed the school about what had happened so that both DC could be asked by a teacher to give an account of the incident.

On the contrary I think I handled the situation far better than the other mother who works privately as a Child Psychologist. I could have had a go at the mother for intimidating my DC but I chose not to. I'm aware that our children bring out our deepest emotions and it was a situation that I wanted to "respond" to rationally, not "react" to. I also took the approach I did because I wanted the mother to realise that she can not continue to conduct herself in that way. I also wanted to ensure that she didn't treat other DC in that way.

Obviously I wouldn't allow my son to go on a play-date with this child again because I think the mum is over-protective, aggressive and treats other children in ways that she wouldn't like her own children to be treated.

[trueblood1fan]

no marks so no punishment - sigh :-\