To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

[Zavi]

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

AZ

You put it better than me. School procedures are there, and luckily IME do protect the "bullyer" and the "bullyee"

[AgentZigzag]

I would be of the 'it takes a village to raise a child' thinking, if there weren't so many unreasonable village idiots out there

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

true

I wouldn't want DM bra-revealing journo woman anywhere near my offspring

[WorraLorraTurkey]

I don't care why he lost his temper...it was 'unprovoked' as the OP has stated.

Not only did her DS hit someone who had not provoked him, he then persuaded him to keep quiet so he didn't get into trouble for it.

The OP should be bloody glad that hopefully this Mother has shocked her son into not using his friend as a punch bag and then silencing him.

The more kids allow him to get away with that, the bigger problem the OP is likely to be faced with in the future.

[rufusnine]

Many many years ago my 4 year old was being repeated hit/kicked by an older - Yr4 child because she wouldn't play with her (admittedly she had what would be classed as "social problems "now - the Y4 child I mean) My then Y3 child told me what was occuring and I contacted the school to try to sort it out. It continued and although I'm not really proud of my actions - I confronted that child and told her in no uncertain terms that if there was a next time I would be kicking her twice as hard! Before anyone screams child abuse I wasn't really intending to carry out my threat - but it worked and my child lived happily -and not kicked - ever after! Nowadays would prob have the police on my doorstep!

[AgentZigzag]

Whatever you thought my child had done rufus, if you threatened to kick my DD twice as hard as you thought she'd kicked you, I would not be a happy bunny.

Say what you want to me because I can deal with you as another adult.

Whether you intended to do it or not wouldn't factor into my thinking.

[AgentZigzag]

'twice as hard as you thought she'd kicked you', I meant 'twice as hard as you thought she'd kicked your DC'.

[Zavi]

My DC didn't lose his temper and didn't ask the other child to "not tell". I do btw believe my DC's version of events because they were not favourable to him!

I think the other mum was cross at her own child for not reporting what my DC had done. For not protecting himself against future events by telling the teacher what my DC had done ( even though my DC immediately apologised and that this was not in any way a bullying incident)

I was very cross with my DC when told what happened. It was completely out of character. He knows that. Not least because he has been told off by the original DC, by original DCs mum, me, his dad, his teacher, the head...,

I think the other mum was concerned that, if her own DC didn't raise things up to teachers, other children might hurt him without the school being engaged in what was happening. Thats understandable.

I think though, that she thought she ought to "nip it in the bud" - directly with my son - just in case he ever thought of doing that again. Even though it was a complete one-off between good friends.

My concern is that:

• she doesn't approach my son like that again (he was naughty, but he felt very intimidated by her. Wanted to cry - but no teachers in the playground at start of school
  
• she doesn't approach other children like that again
  
• the school adopt clear guidelines as to how parents go about addressing their concerns and - specifically - that parents should use the school as a first point of contact for any issues in relation to their children. Not direct their concerns to children without seeking clarification of events from the adults thentime if events
  

Is that reasonable?

ALL views welcomed!

[upstart68]

I think it's very wrong for a parent to approach a small child in the playground and have a go at them. And yes I think schools should make clear guidelines to parents about this.

Because - nine times out of ten these things stem from a chain of events. IME it's rarely a case of one just randomly hitting/kicking another one. If it's dealt with by the teachers, they can see if any staff witnessed any part of it, can establish what happened by listening to all dc concerned. And can give appropriate non biased punishment.

I don't think a parent has the right to scare the crap out of small dc over what she/he thinks might have happened. Even if they are pretty sure they know what happened and it was wrong - that still doesn't give them the right to assume the role of judge, jury and prosecuter and dole out public floggings (metaphorically speaking).

It's just so easy to get it wrong. With my own dc, I find snippets of what exactly happened come out over a period of time. What in the first instance might have seemed like a random attack on her, can over time become a situation where she wound someone else up beyond and they lashed out. The child responsible has a right to have that dealt with appropriately and privately.

So yes I agree with your points there.

[SoldierKatnissEverdeen]

Tbh the one thing glaring out at me is...why did you leave your child unsupervised in the school playground before school was open? This is an absolute no-no in our school. It made him vulnerable to just this kind of thing happening. Our school is an average school as opposed to a rough one but leaving the children this way is not allowed. He's only 8 fgs.

[merrymouse]

YANBU to think that the other mother went about this in the wrong way, and I am sure the school would agree with you.

This incident should have been sorted out initially by the DC (which it seems it was), and if they couldn't do this they should have gone to a teacher. If either child didn't feel this had/would resolve the situation, they should have explained this to a parent and the parent should have contacted the school and expressed their concern that school behaviour management policies didn't seem to be working. At no point should a parent have spoken to the other DC in this way for the simple reason that they weren't there when the incident happened and don't know all the facts. This is not the same as trying to sort out an incident that takes place when you are present (although to be honest, even with sibling incidents, its best to facilitate them working it out themselves than getting involved in attributing blame)

Having said that, the school are already aware that this parent acted inappropriately, as she has already spoken to them. I would ask the school whether they have a policy on how they and parents should deal with school related incidents like this and if so when this was last communicated to parents, rather than focusing a discussion on demonising this particular parent.

[merrymouse]

So basically, what you said in your last post was reasonable.

[exoticfruits]

I don't think you need to wait and see your DC in at the door when they are 8yrs old! If there is a teacher on duty you can go. Even if you are with them until they go in I can't see why they would be glued to your side!
It appears that something happened and both parents heard it from one side only. I wouldn't make a formal complaint- just a quick word to the teacher.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

OP - I would be beyond angry with the other mother for seeing fit to physically restrain my child in order to tell him off. I would want it made very clear to her that she is NOT to touch another parent's child in that way again. By doing that, she overstepped a very serious boundary IMO. For that reason alone I would raise her behaviour with the school.

Quite apart from that, it was inappropriate of her to speak to your child before seeing the teacher and inappropriate to escalate it to the head.

[LoopsInHoops]

"- she doesn't approach my son like that again (he was naughty, but he felt very intimidated by her. Wanted to cry - but no teachers in the playground at start of school" your fault then. You want him supervised before school? Supervise him.

IMO the other mum thinks your child is bullying hers. For all you know she could be under the belief this is ongoing bullying. If that were the case, could you understand her actions?

[exoticfruits]

If she thinks it is long term bullying I can't see why she then thinks it OK to bully an 8yr old herself!

I would have a quiet word with the teacher and just tell DC that some parents can be a bit OTT and avoid her.

[Violet77]

On monday, go in grab her arm and physically abuse her...see how she likes it.

Alternatively go in play bloody hell that she has abused and intimidated your child. Threaten to call the police etc until they make it very clear to her. A teacher can not do this to your child, why should she? Not sure she should be allowed on school grounds.

Completely innappropriate from her, school should deal with this.

[googlyeyes]

I don't think the other mother was bullying. She didn't 'grab dc by the arm' and 'shout' at him. That's a hysterical misreading of the post.

It is probably the most effective thing she could have done as OP's son is unlikely to hit her son again. Why should 8 year old's never feel a bit afraid if they have done something naughty? It's not like he was screamed at and beaten by the other mum.

As an aside it makes my teeth itch to hear a woman casually described as a stupid bitch. Fucking unnecessary. Stupid, yes. Bitch, no no no

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

She absolutely should not have done what she did, any issues she had with the situation should have been taled through with a teacher.

However, I would keep an open mind on what your son has told you OP. His version of events didn't paint him in a favourable light but better than ' I hit him then intimidated him into not telling the teacher. I wasn't quite confident that he would keep his mouth shut so I am telling you this version just in case'.

I have seen a number of parents be totally unaware of what their children are like when their parents aren't there. The schools my DC have been too have been very bad at getting to the stage of calling parents in and there's been situations where pretty much everyone else knows a child keeps being involved in incidents with other children, but the parent doesn't .

Also however well you think you know your child they have the capacity to surprise you. My DD was bullied a lot during first and middle school, she ended up in plaster. I would have sworn that having been on the receiving end he wouldn't be mean to others. But a year ago a very good friend told me she'd heard that DD and another girl were excluding another one (who had previously had her moments with DD). They had told me the reason they weren't walking to school with her was because the girl had been asked to walk with her neighbour's DD who had just started, had she heck.

[exoticfruits]

Of course she was bullying- she did it because the DC was small and wouldn't fight back! She wouldn't have picked on a formidable looking adult!

[cansu]

School will deal with the initial problem that the op child hit the other child. School is not responsible for the other child's mother telling off the op s child outside school. The school will not be impressed to have both mothers acting at the school because of the way they have handled this situation. Both parents should have reported the hitting to school. If the children genuinely felt it was a one off and the hit child as happy with an apology then that would probably be all that happened. The op is wrong for being happy to not report it probably because she don't want her child to get in trouble. The other mum should not have approached the children but school will only get involved if it took place on school grounds. If it was in the playground yes if not they will suggest op contacts police if she is unhappy.

[Shenanagins]

Rather than go to the school and end up escalating this into something even bigger, why not talk to the other woman to find out her reasons for approaching your son in this manner.

Is it really too hard in this day and age for two adults to talk to each other without running off to tell the school as she has already done especially since the dc are supposed to be such good friends?

[KittyFane1]

Hand on shoulder is not the same as 'holding' your DC by the arm. (as in OP).
Did she scream at him or verbally abuse him? No. She told your son off and then made a complaint about him.
Misleading OP.

YABU. This woman 'wants it to stop' which implies that your DS has behaved inappropriately before. I personally would be grateful to this woman for bringing this to your attention.
YABU. She has every right to complain about your DS.

[SoldierKatnissEverdeen]

Exotic- our school specifically states and reminds us regularly, that there is no teacher on duty until the doors open at 8.45am. We as parents are therefore responsible for our children until the doors open. Granted my children are not glued to me, but in eye range and therefore if a parent started walking to one of my children in this way I would be there to witness it/step in. I think in our school we are reminded due to the antics on the play equipment before and after school, but the over riding message is that we are responsible until the children go into school.

I assumed all primary schools would have similar rules?

[takataka]

No wonder bullies get away with what they do, if this is the attitude of most parents

The woman did not physically or verbally abuse OPs child. She told him to stop hitting her child! And then reported to the teachers.

OP is upset because her child hit another and got told off for it, when said child was left unsupervised before school