To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

[Zavi]

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

[IAmAKnob]

TBH if some woman started ranting and raving and grabbing either of my dc I would find it very hard to not knock them the fuck out whether my dc were in the right or wrong of whatever incident.

[Higgledyhouse]

What's that old saying...... If you can't take it, don't dish it out. This springs to mind. I wish teachers taught lessons like these.

Don't get me wrong. I am not condoning any adult physically hurting a child. I am completly against hitting children. I have a 6 & 4 year old and have never laid a finger on them - but a firm word to a deserving child that's ok with me.

[upstart68]

but a firm word to a deserving child that's ok with me

That's the key thing. Deserving. Too many psychos with pfb's are all too willing to jump to the wrong conclusions - can't believe their pfb could be anything more than totally innocent. Then dole out a completely unfair verbal and sometimes physical attack on a small dc and their parent.

When the truth is, they all get it wrong at some time or another. If you honestly believe your infant age dc has never upset another dc you are sadly deluded. Whether that be by hitting or kicking, or excluding or being just verbally nasty.

How would you like your dc reprimanded when they do mess up? By a neurotic type in the playground, in public where they haven't even tried to listen to their side of the story?

Or in a balanced way where it's been investigated and fairly appraised and discussed so that the dc can understand. And in private so that if a dc messes up once, he/she isn't painted as the local bully when they are clearly not.

There are two women in our playground who are known for this type of behaviour i.e. not following the proper channels and acting like vigilantes in the playground.

After the third year of it, everybody else avoids the dc and the mums like the plague.

Neither of them have perfectly behaved, kind dc.

[merrymouse]

"I trained as a teacher and received no training what so ever on how to protect, recognise or stamp out bullying."

Yes, I believe this.

[Nancy66]

I'd have done exactly the same.

[Higgledyhouse]

"Teachers are responsible for teaching children how to resolve conflict"

Nope, no training in that either!!

Still laughing........

[Viviennemary]

Yes it is depressing. The child who did the hitting and unprovoked aggression is the one whose mother is now making a formal complaint to the school. Why shouldn't a child be told off by a parent for hitting their child. what precious nonsense. Not saying I would do it myself but if my child got told off by his friend's parent because he had hit his friend I would say well don't hit people for no reason in future.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

TBH if some woman started ranting and raving and grabbing either of my dc I would find it very hard to not knock them the fuck out whether my dc were in the right or wrong of whatever incident.

Yes, but what does that have to do with this thread Knob?

[merrymouse]

I am clearly lucky that my children attend/have attended schools where I do trust the teachers. Can't imagine sending them there otherwise.

Bit bemused by the idea that a parent giving a 'good telling off' to somebody else's child on the basis of hearsay, would improve behaviour in school when said parent has no control over the school environment, does not know what triggered the event and the only consequence they can enforce is being a bit shouty in the playground. Is it the volume of the shouting that is supposed to work the magic, or is it more a hypnotic stare that you should go for?

[WorraLorraTurkey]

Can you point out a single post where the OP said the lady shouted or was a bit shouty?

Really, there's no point in adding bits in and making things up because it just takes the thread on an unnecessary tangent.

The OP hasn't even said the woman raised her voice...

[merrymouse]

No she did not comment on the volume of the other child's mother's voice, probably as she wasn't there. The OP only has her child's impression of the incident, which may be one sided.

However, I am interested to know what purpose you think was served by this woman speaking to the OP's child, given that she had not at that point checked with teachers to find out what had actually happened, she was not well placed to ensure that it didn't happen again, and the child's teacher and head teacher (who could do these things) spoke to the child.

Even assuming she hadn't risen the hackles of the OP, it just seems completely pointless, apart from meeting her need to have a go at somebody.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

The purpose was served by the child hopefully not thumping someone else in an unprovoked attack.

What was the point in speaking to the teachers when the OP has said her son managed to persuade the other boy to keep quiet?

It's quite simple. The boy hit her child, he wasn't even provoked, he tried to silence the child so he wouldn't be punished and the Mother (quite rightly) was having none of it.

She called him over, had a stern word (shouldn't have put her hand on his shoulder though) the boy apologised and said it wouldn't happen again.

Job's a goodun...or it would be had the OP not made a 'formal complaint'.

[AgentZigzag]

'All bullies deserve to be threatened, humiliated and intimated even bashed themselves if that's what it takes.'

As someone who was bullied constantly through primary and secondary, as an adult I totally disagree with this kind of bollocks opinion.

This thread has shown that all and sundry getting involved in a ruckus between two 8 YOs is getting irate about things we only know the basic facts of - and even they might be twisted.

The rest is reading between the lines and going on the experience we have of our own children.

And that's why it has to be left to the school to sort it.

I'm like merrymouse and must be pretty lucky to have had people teaching DD1 who have common sense and who are aware of the little power games going on between the DC in their class. I'm not saying they're perfect, but I'd rather they sort it out than someone like Higgledy going off on one when she's actually got the situation completely wrong.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

I'd much sooner they sorted it too AZZ but to be honest, one child silencing another isn't sorting anything.

He obviously felt wronged enough to tell his Mum, but clearly felt unable to tell the teachers at the time because the OP's son made sure he didn't.

To my mind, that's a bit worse than actually hitting someone.

No-one should accept being hit just in case the perpetrator gets in trouble for their actions.

[seeker]

""I trained as a teacher and received no training what so ever on how to protect, recognise or stamp out bullying."

Wow, higeldyhouse- you must come and tell us what it was like doing teacher training in 1935................

[InNeedOfBrandyButter]

If we go by what the OP has said, a one off incident is not bullying. I don't think the mother should of got involved in any sort of one off squabble as dc tend to fall out quite frequently in KS1 and 2. I would think a parent was nuts if one came into school and started telling a dc off about a one off incident.

Again IMO I think theres more to the story, but no telling a dc off for a incident your dc has told you about (and all dc can lie/embelish) is over the top.

My ds fell out with his best friend in school friday, he was grumpy all night because his best friend shoved him and broke one of his antlers off his christmas dinner hat. After questioning him about it again he let slip that he "accidently" slapped him now imagine if I had gone in all guns blazing at the boy because the he shoved my son and broke his antler only to be told what really went on. Thats why IME it's better to let the school deal with these things as parents do get het up and have knee jerk reactions over their dc being hurt where as the teachers have a better knowledge of certain relationships between pupils seeing them interact all day every day.

[AgentZigzag]

'No-one should accept being hit just in case the perpetrator gets in trouble for their actions. '

I agree, but we don't know the situation played out as you say either

DD1 was having trouble with some girls she'd moved up from primary with when she started secondary not long back, and I saw one of them in the street when it was going on and really wanted to say something to her. I saw her mum five mins later and was in two minds about mentioning it to her (I know her and know she'd be horrified).

But I didn't trust the way DD had described how things happened, she can sometimes emphasise the negative side to things, and just make one up if there isn't one.

But I told the school and they had it sorted within hours of me ringing. It's not completely gone away, but it dramatically improved.

If I'd said something to the girl I would have been completely out of order. I could probably justify telling her mum, but it definitely wouldn't have got me as far and as quickly as telling the school and letting them sort it.

I was angry about the way the girl had made DD feel and it may have leaked out however hard I tried for it not to. The school didn't have that anger and dealt with it as objectively as they could (with no threats, humiliation, intimidation or giving her a wallop ).

[WorraLorraTurkey]

AZZ I'm one of the few people going on exactly what the OP said.

The kid decided not to tell the teachers because he 'didn't want to get him into trouble'.

But he obviously felt the need to tell his Mum and quite rightly she wasn't happy.

Jeez this forum makes me feel like an old fashioned fart at times, but telling a kid to stop thumping your kid is (and always has been imo) perfectly acceptable.

So he nearly cried?

I'm nearly playing the world's smallest violin.

I showed this thread to my nearly 21yr old DS and he said if he hadn't have been told off by random parents and neighbours for his wrong doings, he would have grown into a real little shit.

I agree, when I was a kid I was mortified at being told off by other kid's parents...the difference was my parents appreciated it because they actually got through to me.

[AgentZigzag]

I do see what you're saying worra, but the lad could have just mentioned it in passing to his mum, or she coaxed it out of him when he didn't really want to talk about it (for nice reasons rather than because he was intimidated into not saying). He didn't necessarily go straight home and start telling his mum because he was upset.

Thinking that your DC is being bullied or has been unjustly/randomly hit by another DC makes you feel unreasonable.

The adults telling off a DC for something they've just seen them do IMO is completely different to the emotions attached to protecting your own child.

In the village I grew up in it wasn't particularly that you got told off by adults, it was that they noticed if you did things - and then grassed you up to your parents so they'd give you a going over

It's just the emotion involved that I was saying about in my last post that makes the difference. It infuriates me that DD is going through the same shite I had, but I know for sure that she's in a better place than me because schools are more effective at dealing with it.

FFS they've got an 'inclusion unit' at her school What I would have given for one of them at the schools I went to!

[WorraLorraTurkey]

They have all sorts of units in my DS's school

All they're short of is an angry parent/jaded teacher unit and I'm not ruling that one out for the future

[AgentZigzag]

I'm sure they could find a kind philanthropist to donate a generous supply of wine and chocolate for it

[InNeedOfBrandyButter]

If a parent saw a child hurt there dc in the park for example then yes telling off that dc is reasonable and what I'd do, or even the school play ground if it was in front of me. The bit about this what I really don't like is the other parent told of the ops dc with only what her ds told her and all dc lie and embellish at some point.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

But in this case there were no lies told...the OP has said that.

I understand that there could have been and I certainly don't recommend parents taking these things into their own hands Brandy.

Personally I would have gone straight to the school.

But the woman chose to deal with it her own way...just as the OP was cool with the kids dealing with it their own way (when it favoured her son).

She told the boy off

Now the OP has made an official complaint....and that smacks of hypocrisy to me.

[Itsaboatjack]

I'm surprised by the number of people who have said they would also go and tell the child off. My dd is 8 and has a couple of times come home and said so and so has hit her, I didn't feel the need to get involved. I asked her in more detail what happened, how she dealt with it, how she felt, maybe given her some advice on how to deal with similar incidents in the future. If I thought it was more serious and needed some follow up I would go and speak to either the parent or a teacher.

If I was there and saw something happen I may say something, but if it was a one off, as this seems to be, and they sorted it between them, which they also seem to have then I would stay out of it.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

There is something that somebody is not telling you/us. I seriously doubt this is the full story.

How odd, that your child should suddenly and unprovoked hit his friend and the two children together decide not to tell anybody to prevent your child from getting into trouble.

It smacks too much of "let this be our little secret, and lets not tell anybody what we just did, ok?"

And how odd that the other child decided to tell his mum after all.

And how odd that your son would suddenly do something "out of character" yet straight away know he had done wrong and collude with the injured party to not tell. That sounds quite manipulative.

To be perfectly honest, I believe you believe your son, but I also believe that your son could be telling you the version of events which would be less likely to put him into big trouble, ie telling you something less favourable, but not as horrible as the full truth. (Similar psychology to what we often see on relationship threads around here, that a cheating partner will tell as much as he/she thinks he can get away with) This is not uncommon. If you dig a little deeper, with your own son, you may find out what really happened.

The other mother? She might have been at the end of her tether. Very unlikely that she would take matter into her own hands at "first offence".

More likely that she has complained to the school at numerous occasions before, nothing has happened, there has been no consequence to your son, you have not been informed, so she decided to ensure you were informed. By approaching your son direct she would get both his and your attention.

I suggest you listen, without going in all guns blazing.

Meanwhile, please deal with your own child, aged 8, it is about time the learn that you dont hit other children. A very difficult lesson both to teach and learn.

(I have two sons, one who frequently gets into trouble, hits and sometimes lies to cover up (very believable!) and one who never gets into trouble but stays far away from children who play rough games, and hit others)