To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

[Zavi]

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Actually, my son witnessed some awful behaviour from a parent the other week.

There is a little boy in reception who is nearly deaf, and he speaks really loudly.

The parent in question possibly did not know about the boys hearing impairment, as suddenly in the school playground, he sat down, restrained the little boy by placing his hands on the boys shoulders and said really loudly and angrily up in to the boys face "Do you always have to SHOUT!" My son was just a bystander, and he was terrified. Now, that was OTT behaviour.

[exoticfruits]

It is a shame that someone didn't explain that 'yes he did'- it might make her feel bad and think first.

[Higgledyhouse]

Seeker - thank you, my point exactly! I did my teacher training in 2005, 7 years ago in London. Not a single lecture, tutorial or case study was shared concerning bullying. Frightening isn't it considering the terrible impact bullying can have on a child/adult. Why do some parents feel that teachers are so qualified in this area? Of course as in all professions some will be more experienced than others.

All I am saying is that at the end of the day teachers are human beings with their own ideas/values about children's behaviour. What one teacher will view as merely 'girls being girls' another will take more seriously. There is very little consistency and most of the time they do not witness events as in this case so I feel will make a judgment of a situation based on their knowledge of the children involved - for example their normal behaviours in class etc. However, we all know how clever and manipulative children can be.

I agree that before any parent approaches another, of course the school need to be given an opportunity to resolve matters in an amicable way. This goes without saying and is basic common sense. But going back to my first post, when a parent has first hand evidence of on-going bullying, where the schools approach has had little effect I would most definately without hesitation have a firm word with the child, especially at 8 years old. I would also talk to the parents. I would not be aggressive or raise my voice but I would be firm. This is not the same as carelessly taking matters in to your own hands like a nutter in the playground.

In my experience a schools approach can be quite long winded and low impact. Very sad for the children and extremely frustrating for the parents who are desperately trying to help their child. I really feel that many posters on this thread are posting from a very logical stance. I get that, really I do but when your child is being bullied, actually bullied, I would not judge any parent who takes a slightly more direct approach.

[bamboostalks]

Since when is hitting someone once or twice being a bully? Bullying is surely systematic and continual abuse. Some very OTT reactions here. Lots of children are bullied and become bullies, it's a common experience but that doesn't make us all experts. It's absolutely horrible but there are many parents on here who seem to want to demonise children. It could be your child who is he bully one day you know.

[simplesusan]

I think the parent was correct to go to the teacher.
I think she was wrong to approach your child though.
I think there is something either or both children are not telling.

[seeker]

higgldy house- please don't quote me as a supporter. If you really are a teacher, I am horrified that you are coming here saying things like " I wouldn't rely on any teacher to stop my child being bullied and i think its absolute cobblers that this mum would have made things worse for her child. I can't stand parents that think so fucking highly of teachers, so much so they become blinkered as to basic right and wrong and all of a sudden dont have a mind of their own. All bullies deserve to be threatened, humiliated and intimated even bashed themselves if that's what it takes. When did this world become so PC. I could puke."

[JamieandtheMagiTorch]

GoldQint

Excellent post

I too have seen both sides of this particular coin

[Rollmops]

AgentZigzag to quote you: ''All bullies deserve to be threatened, humiliated and intimated even bashed themselves if that's what it takes.'

As someone who was bullied constantly through primary and secondary, as an adult I totally disagree with this kind of bollocks opinion...""

Don't you think that herein lies the reason for you being constantly bullied?

Weakness and meekness only too often invites deep dislike in otherwise non-aggressive people. There's something about door-mat-type behavior that raises the hackles in most of us.

By standing up and giving like for like is still the best defense against bullying.

[merrymouse]

Weakness and meekness only too often invites deep dislike in otherwise non-aggressive people. There's something about door-mat-type behavior that raises the hackles in most of us.

No, I would say that thankfully this is not true of most people.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I think what rollmops said can be true of children and teenagers behaviour towards others,pack mentality etc. But not always. I was anything but weak and meek, I was confident and well spoken and was still bullied for a couple of years at school.

[Zavi]

Update:

Following my complaint to the school this is what happened:

I and my OH went to discuss the matter with the Head of the (Junior) school. Head of Junior School said we take this "very seriously and I have already referred the matter up to the (whole school) Headteacher". (The school is both a primary and a secondary school).

Whole-school Headteacher felt that the other parent had acted inappropriately and was concerned to ensure that parents with children at the school understood that this type of behaviour was unacceptable.

In the end of term newsletter that went out to every parent in the school (at the same time as the Autumn school reports went out) the Headteacher informed parents that it was inappropriate for parents to speak directly to students in matters concerning behaviour or discipline. That to do so was "intimidating and frightening" for the students and "didn't do any good" as it would only lead to an "escalation of matters" and that the school were "able to deal with these matters appropriately" and that parents needed to "trust the school" to do so.

In my case it didn't lead to "an escalation between parents". I went to the school.

Im very pleased that the school have dealt with this matter so quickly and that they have now got clear guidelines in place for parents of students: Basically:

If your child has got an issue with another child. Don't Take it upon yourself to sort it out. Talk to the school first.

[Rollmops]

Typical head-in-sand behavior by the school, ignore the hitting and send out pointless newsletters.
Pray tell, was you DC punished for his/her actions as he/she should have had?
I do hope that next time your precious DC whacks someone, that that someone's parent has enough wits to complain to the head.

[Fakebook]

Pray tell, was you DC punished for his/her actions as he/she should have had?

Love it!

[takataka]

Also interested to hear the consequences for the 'hitter'

and also, was the parent spoken to directly, or just the indirect note in the news letter?

[trueblood1fan]

agree - you seem more concerned that a parent placed her hand on your dc than why your dc is bullying/hitting other dc? what punishment have you/the school doled out?! i actually feel for the other poor child that was whalloped.

[bringbacksideburns]

Was your son traumatised by her talking to him? Sounds to me like she was at the end of her tether. She shouldn't have spoken to him no, but i get the feeling this has probably happened before and you are only getting one side of this story.

Hopefully you can now go onto the important matter of your kid whacking someone who is supposed to be his friend, unprovoked, and then trying to cover it up by manipulating him into not telling any Adults?

[PessaryPam]

Always get your retaliation in first, this is what these people do. Don't be surprised.

[misterwife]

I don't see anything wrong with her bollocking your DC if your DC has hit her DC. Why do some parents think they, and only they, can discipline their DC? That's not how the real world works, I'm afraid.

She is definitely being U, however - she has escalated the issue to senior staff members without discussing it with you. I know that that would make me very angry indeed.

[Rollmops]

Read the OP, misterwife. It was OP who escalated the issue to the head.
You see, her DC hit another child, unprovoked and then tried to hush it up. The parent of the child who got hit had a serious discussion with the hitter.
OP didn't like it as her DC was traumatised by telling-off for hitting, so she complained to the head.
Ludicrous. Yes.

[Zavi]

My DC acknowledged the hurt he caused immediately (read my OP).

These two guys had a history of getting on really well. Great friends. No bullying (by either DC).

As far as they are concerned everything is as usual now.

However, I would never again ask my DC's "victim" to come to our house for a play date!

Shame.

[trueblood1fan]

so what punishment did he recieve? my ds would tell me about this sort of incident as he wants to get in there first. but he is still punished. if youve allowed him to escape punishment i do so hope the school excluded him from lessons for such violence?! although other dc mother should not have touched your child but does sound like she was at the end of her tether at this situation. & how is the "victim" as you call him?

[flaggybannel]

This thread struck a cord with me as recently, another parent at my dc school took it upon herself to use her dc's facebook to ask other kids for my dc's mobile number, then called my dc out of the blue, ranting , raving, swearing, threating violence and spouting lots of bile down the phone to my dc for something that my dc had not done- or known anythin about until this woman called.
Fair to say i was stunned.
I quickly investigated further to find that this woman has form for this sort of thing and has done the same thing to other dc's. Her dc is well known to teachers and others for being attention seeking a loves 'drama'. Unbelievable.
The matter is now resolved- i had words with her personally.
My dc will not recieve a call like this from that woman again. She has been reported to the school to say the least.
Just who does anyone think they are to threaten or discipline someone elses child? If they have issues with your children they should speak to the school or the parents.
I havent read the whole thread but as for holding on to your child- i am gobsmacked. Words fail me.

[PoppyPrincess]

I'm glad to hear that the school have taken it seriously.
I agree that the child should be punished but kids hit each other, they fall out etc, it doesn't necessarily make then a bad kid. I was bullied through high school but wasn't once hit by them, it was sly comments, laughing about me with their friends etc. I'm sure at times me and my friends probably hit each other at some point but it was in no way bullying, probably more just messing around.

My DS has only just started nursery school but already I can see that a lot of the mums are a bit rough and I could imagine some of them probably wouldn't give disciplining another person's child a second thought. No matter what my child may or may not have done if somebody I didn't know so much as touched my child I'd be furious! If they have an issue they should speak to the parent and let them discipline them how they see fit.
I don't like it if somebody even says to my son ''that's naughty''. Personally I don't like that word, I chose to say ''we don't do that'' or ''no that's not acceptable''. It should be down to the parent to chose how a child is disciplined.

[LittleMissKitschmas]

To be fair, if another parent took it upon themselves to attempt to discipline my child I'd be annoyed and they would know it, be it politely. If there's a grievance take it to the school. To take it up with a child you don't know is bullying, regardless of all the 'village' bullshit spouted on here. On school premises, the school staff are in charge, not some woman with a personal vendetta. She should not have approached the child directly. The other parent, by all means. To me this just smacks of alpha parenting, with her 'qualifications' in child wrangling she probably wanted the entire playground to see her superior skills.


I'm damn lucky that for all their grumpiness at home my two are good at school. My kids have only ever been on the receiving end of playground crap, and we dealt with it the right way, by going trough ten proper channels within school.

Saying that, I do think 'circle time'/'restorative practice' is utter bilge!:o


Caveat: the post has been fuelled by insomnia, light fever and a stubbornly snuffly baby. Any and all spelling, grammar and continuity errors are to be blamed entirely on them!

[Coralanne]

When my DD was 9 or 10 a girl sitting beside her kept kicking her chair. After asking her about 10 times not to do it, DD then asked the substitute teacher if he could ask her to stop.

Apparently (I wasn't there) the teacher quite sternly told the other girl to stop doing it and get on with her work.

At the end of the school day, DD went straight to her dance classes in the school grounds.

Apparently the other girl came out of class, saw her Mother waiting for her and promptly burst into tears and gave her mother some garbled story about what happened.

The mother interrupted the dance class "Like an avenging Angel" so the dance teacher said. Dragged my DD out of her lesson and started shouting at her.

Dance teacher ordered the mother out of her building, sat my DD down, gave her a hug and a drink and when I arrived told me what had happened.

After comforting DD and having a long talk, I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to confront the other family as it was getting close to the end of year and DD was changing schools for the following year.

I still occasionally see this mother but I just stare straight through her.