To have made a formal complaint to school about other parent

[Zavi]

My DC hit another child. Unprovoked. Both children have history of being very good friends together. Never any problems before this. My DC shouldn't have done that, knew it, and apologised straight away. The other child said to mine that they weren't going to tell the teacher because they didn't want to get my child into trouble. End of story between the two kids who carried on as friends as usual.

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

The mum then went into the school to complain to the class teacher that her DC had been hurt by my DC but had been too frightened to tell the teacher at the time. She then went to the head to report what had happened.

I know my DC shouldn't have done that but I think this mums response was OTT.

She could have spoken to the teacher in charge at the time of the event. Or she could have asked my DC for their side of the story first but she just accepted her DCs version of events before reprimanding my DC.

I'm upset that she did neither. Just took my DC to task and really frightened them in the process.

I think she could have handled the situation better and need not have confronted my DC so directly over an issue that was resolved between them without tears or teacher intervention.

But AIBU to feel aggrieved at the way, and the order, in which this other mum set out to resolve matters?

[exoticfruits]

They do have similar rules but a teacher is on duty 10 minutes before the doors open and therefore parents are free to go, at that point.

[exoticfruits]

Plus the fact that a lot of people share school runs and so are not there in the first place-another adult is.

[Higgledyhouse]

If i had firm first hand evidence (seen it for myself) that my child was being bullied by another child and I felt that the school were not dealing with it properly I would not hesitate for one minute in dealing with that disgusting bully myself. (of course in a non-aggressive manner - more a firm word). Bullying is not what children do, one of hitting/pushing instances fine, completely normal but on going targetted bullying. No way. I would be straight in and no doubt pull the other parents to task too. Schools do not know everything and do not have the strategies to deal with all situations otherwise we wouldn't have situations like we do. Stand up to a bully, no better advise. I'd also encourage my child to wack the little fucker back too - call me a bad example I don't care, it works and always has. All this wishy washy bollocks the schools employ - sorry but I wouldn't be waiting around for my child's confidence and self esteem to completely destroyed.

I realise much of this is not relevant to this OP as it doesnt seem this was in fact Bullying or at least no firm evidence. I think in this situation the other parent has over reacted but I would lay money on it that she feels there is ongoing bullying going on and is probably hearing many stories from her DS. Maybe she has seen more than OP thinks.

[ReallyTired]

"Tbh the one thing glaring out at me is...why did you leave your child unsupervised in the school playground before school was open? This is an absolute no-no in our school. It made him vulnerable to just this kind of thing happening. Our school is an average school as opposed to a rough one but leaving the children this way is not allowed. He's only 8 fgs. "

Many eight year olds walk to school UNACCOMPANIED. They cross roads to get to school. My son walked to school from year 4 and no one batted an eyelid or called social services.

It is perfectly acceptable to leave an eight year old unsupervised in a school playground for a couple of minutes. In fact it could be argued it is healthy to give children a bit of independence.

[takataka]

I also dont think this is bullying...bit a parents mindset which is most concerned with the fact that the other mum dared to tell her dc off, is what often prevents bullies being dealt with

If my child was thumping other kids unprovoked, that is what I would be focusing on

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I would be focusing more on my child hitting others unprovoked. You don't know that this is the only incident.

I can understand the mothers reaction, although her actions are debatable. Maybe she sees your child as being dominant, and this was a worry for her as she may have foreseen a bullying relationship between the two boys. I would like to be clear that i am not calling your son a bully, i am merely stating that whilst you see one thing, friendship, she may see something else, bullying.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I had similar last year with my 11yo dd.

Another parent felf her dd was being bullied by one of dd's friends and came up to her in the playground. Got hold of dd's friend's arm so she couldn't run off, shouted at dd and her friend, threatened them saying she was going to get someone to beat them up and barged into dd.

The school banned her from the premesis. She wasn't allowed in the playground, wasn't allowed to assemblies, etc.

I called the police and they took it seriously. I was asked if I wanted her charging with assault. I didn't, but the police went and spoke to her.

[LoopsInHoops]

Oh, I missed the part in the OP and subsequent posts where she said the other mother had abused her DS.

[Rollmops]

YABU.
You only know the side of the story your DC told you. It could be very different what her DC told her and from her comment 'this must stop', there could be a history of 'hitting' by your DC. Your child could be bully for all you know.
She had every right to talk to your child as it was your child that hurt her child.

[Rollmops]

Higgeldyhouse - agree completely.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

To be honest OP if your dc hadn't hit her dc in the first place none of this would have happened. She shouldn't have touched your dc's arm but other than that I think she was entirely entitled to reprimand your child who had hit her for no apparent reason. Your child assaulted another. That is unacceptable. Your child has learnt there are consequences for assault. That is a very good lesson and a lesson that needs to be learnt without the politically correct pussy footing about that has become part and parcel of society. Next time, hopefully her dc will lamp yours one back of his own accord.

At primary school my ds was getting a bit of stick from an older boy. Things being taken in the playground, and he told a dinner lady my son swore in the dining hall and my son was made to stand against the wall on his word etc., and finally a pair of brand new football gloves thrown onto a first floor window sill. After a few incidents I spoke to the brat, told him I was well aware of what was happening and if anything further happened I would be reporting it straight to the head and giving her his name and the full details. He must have been 7 or 8. Nothing further happened.

[marriedandwreathedinholly]

hit hers not her

[WorraLorraTurkey]

OP you've said a couple of times that it was a complete one-off between good friends so clearly that makes a difference to you in how you think the incident should have been dealt with.

Have you stopped to think the other Mother feels the same?

And that because it was a complete one-off between good friends, she felt it ok to tell your child off herself?

And as for your child 'wanting to cry' because he'd been told off for hitting someone, why do you think that's a bad thing?

[InNeedOfBrandyButter]

IMO this thread has got slightly ridiculous.

8yr olds fall out all time girls and boys. DC tend to push and shove and hit each other sometimes and a one off between normally good friends wouldn't have me having a go/intimidating the other child or complaining to the school. I expect the teachers wouldn't be able to teach if every shoving/hitting falling out meant the 2 sets of parents outraged at the school.

Are they really good friends normally it sounds from this ladys reaction more has happened before.

[Rollmops]

How on earth do you know it's one off? Why would the other mother say 'this must stop'?

[merrymouse]

Teachers are in loco parentis when children are at school. They are responsible for managing behaviour in school by enforcing behaviour rules and teaching children to resolve conflict. If you don't trust teachers to manage behaviour and keep children safe, why on earth send them to school?

The OP's son hasn't learnt anything except that his friend's mum is a bit nuts. To be honest, if I was a 'victim' and my mum behaved like this, I would learn to keep quiet about goings on at school in future.

[Rollmops]

Absolute bollocks, merrymouse. Complete gibberish.
Teachers are there to teach subjects they are hired to teach, by the looks of it, most can just cope with that. Bullying is endemic in schools, why are your so called in loco parentis not dealing with it?
The 'other mother' is not nuts, just not a wishy-washy PC push-over. She decided, and rightfully so, to stand up to the child who hit her child. I salute her. OPs DC hopefully learnt a lesson schools are too afraid to teach, that being cruel to another has consequences.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

Totally agree Rollmops. I don't consider any of the adults who told me off for doing wrong when I was a kid as 'nuts'.

What is 'nuts' is how simply telling a child off for hitting yours, is now described as 'intimidating', 'threatening', 'bullying' etc... and what a tragedy it is if the little darlings shed a tear because they were simply told off.

I also think it's ironic that the OP considers it fine that the 2 kids sort it their own way, but she doesn't consider it fine when the Mother does the same thing.

Now she's made a formal complaint. Well if her son's friend had made a formal complaint in the first place instead of keeping quiet and 'sorting it their own way'...so as not to get the OP's son in the trouble, none of this would have happened.

Sounds like tit for tat really.

[AmIthatTinselly]

Not sure how the other mother is "nuts". If my DC were hit I would be going to the school.

The only thing she did wrong was to hold the other child, she shouldn't have touched him.

[merrymouse]

Its nuts because she wasn't there when the incident happened and she didn't have the facts. Its nuts because she possibly made the situation worse for her own child. Its nuts because she made herself look out of control.

Going to the school to talk to the teacher and or the head teacher would be the sensible thing to do, and would give her an opportunity to resolve the situation. Of course it's better for children to be able to resolve conflict by themselves rather than to draw their parents in, whether the conflict is between siblings, friends or peers. They might need adults to help them do this. They do not need adults to march in cluelessly with all guns blazing.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

The next day, the other mum called my DC, who was on the swing, over to her (before school after I had dropped off) and then holding my DC by the arm, told them that she was angry and upset with them over what they'd done to her child. That she "wanted it to stop", and that she didn't want my DC to do that to her DC again. My DC said sorry again and said it wouldn't happen again.

It sounds like she had the facts...hence the child apologising and saying it won't happen again.

How has she possibly made the situation worse for her own child because she refuses to keep quiet like her child did? Keeping quiet about it, is far more likely to have it happen again.

She made herself look 'out of control'?? Really have you actually read the words in bold up there ^^ merrymouse

[AmIthatTinselly]

Was just going to post the same as Worra, so won't bother now

...but really, out of control? nuts?

[merrymouse]

She didn't have the facts because she didn't witness the incident and she hadn't spoken to the teacher or calmly spoken to both children. An angry, slightly scary, adult could accuse an 8 year old of anything and they would probably say they were sorry and it wouldn't happen again. However, assuming that this were a case of bullying, and not a one off incident, it is likely that the bullying would become worse.

If, on the other hand, as has been suggested by the OP, it were a one off incident between friends that had already been sorted out, the mother's action was pointless at best and alienated her child's friend at worst.

I am not suggesting that she should have kept quiet about it. I am suggesting that the only course of action she should have taken was to talk to her child's teacher.

My only slight caveat would be that the OP didn't witness the incident with the mother either. Perhaps the other mother did try to speak calmly to both children, but somehow failed, hence the story that has been relayed back to the OP. However, it was still wrong to approach the OP's son rather than a teacher.

[exoticfruits]

It is all a mountain out of a molehill-just pop in and have a quiet word with the teacher.
Just on a side issue-my DS walked to school by himself aged 8yrs-it was 3 minutes with no road to cross. There is no need to hand an 8yr old over!

[Higgledyhouse]

Merrymouse - are you for real, your posts have given me a right laugh!! Teachers know feck all bullying, I trained as a teacher and received no training what so ever on how to protect, recognise or stamp out bullying. They merely use their judgement and the resources they have which we all know are thin on the ground. Why do you think teachers are so qualified to deal with epidodes of bullying??? I am dubious that in this case bullying has actually taken place but if it has I firmly believe this mum has done exactly the right thing. My guns would be blazing too. I wouldn't rely on any teacher to stop my child being bullied and i think its absolute cobblers that this mum would have made things worse for her child. I can't stand parents that think so fucking highly of teachers, so much so they become blinkered as to basic right and wrong and all of a sudden dont have a mind of their own. All bullies deserve to be threatened, humiliated and intimated even bashed themselves if that's what it takes. When did this world become so PC. I could puke.