To visit each day over the Christmas holidays?

[Holivy]

My Grandmother is 98 years old and is the mother of my late Mum.

My Mum's sister (my aunt) found my Grandmother a council run care home (despite the fact that she has a lot of money) when it was obvious that she was unable to care for herself due to having dementia.

My Grandmother and Aunt took no time to look out for me when my Mum died when I was 19 and we have not seen much of each other over the years.
We are not close. My Grandmother, Aunt and cousins (2 boys) all lived near to each other and saw each other each day. My Mum, Dad and sister saw very little of them as I was growing up and since my Mum died, we have seen each other once or twice a year.

The care home my Grandmother is staying at is 30 mins away from my home and 10 mins away from my Aunt. My two cousins live 35/40 mins away.

My Aunt has taken to phoning me regularly to ask me to visit my Grandmother as she goes away for quite number of weekend breaks and holidays and doesn't like the fact that my Grandmother will not have visitors. She says that my two cousins live too far away and can't do it.
I work full time and have a 10 year old DC, one of my cousins works F/T and the other part-time. Neither has children.

My Aunt has told me that she is away over Christmas and New Year and would be grateful if I went to see my Grandmother every other day to visit.

I don't want to. I feel like a b*ch but I just don't want to. AIB totally U?

YNABU, Not at all!! You do what you feel comfortable doing, don't let anyone else force you into doing something you don't want to do. State what you are willing to do and leave it at that.
I have no Idea what your family dynamics may be, but it sounds to me like your Aunt has another agenda all of a sudden?

YANBU the woman has dementia. She won't even know her own name probably. Don't you dare let distant family members, who don't really give a rat's arse about you and yours, guilt-trip you into spoiling your Christmas, the selfish fuckers.

Lovelyladuree I think your comment is really insensitive actually.

OP I don't think you should feel obliged to visit everyday and from my experience it is actually quite disruptive to the day to day routine of a person staying in a care home to have visitors every day.

Thank you so much lanny and lovely! I feel really guilty but angry and resentful too. My adult cousins can't possibly visit because they live a whole 10 mins further away and they are 'the boys'. My Grandmother doesn't know who I am and I have a difficult job and a small family to care for. I won't do as she's asked.

Cats Disruptive in what way? Do you think it confuses people with dementia even more?

How is lovely being insensitive? I think she;s trying to make holivy feel less guilty.

Do not be guilt tripped OP!

The glib comment about someone with dementia not even knowing their own name is insensitive.

Just because it's not insensitive to the op doesn't mean it isn't inventive to others with family suffering dementia

You are welcome holivy. Well done on your decision, you sound very definite there! Stay strong!

Holivy it's disruptive in the sense that there is obviously a set routine in care homes getting residents up dressed and ready for breakfast takes some time so visitors in the morning can be disruptive, particularly every day.We've found afternoons difficult to visit as it seems to be a time of day when my dgd is quite agitated anyway.

It is important to us to visit him but we had a very different relationship to what you have with your grandmother. But even so we have to pick our times carefully.

YADNBU. Please, please don't feel guilty about this. My dad had a very strained relationship with his schizophrenic sister, who has been in a care home for many years, I had only met her once or twice before he died, by which point he and I were estranged. I took over managing her financial affairs, going through the court of protection to be appointed as deputy through a sense of duty. I visit once or twice a year as I feel I should as she is family, even though we hardly know each other. I make sure I write to her regularly, send her photos of the kids, DVD's of home videos and such but I will admit that I dread visiting her - it's awkward. If that makes me a b1tch then so be it. Your aunt is trying to relieve her own sense of guilt by asking you to make sure your grandmother isn't lonely whilst she goes away. If you are happy to go once, that would be kind, but I think that would be ample under the circumstances.

make your own decision and don't let your aunt push you into anything.

edwin The sense of duty is awful. You have obviously worked hard to ensure that your Aunt is safe and I admire you. I too have a feeling of dread at the thought of visiting.
My Aunt told me about her Christmas plans in a voice message as I ignored the call when she phoned. I now need to pluck up the courage to phone back and say that I will visit once but not every other day! I don't know what to say!

Holivy, how about saying something to your aunt along the lines of your original post. It's the truth after all?

lanny My OP said "I don't want to"!
It's the truth but I'm just going to say that like her (my Aunt) I have made a lot of plans and will visit when I can. Oh, I feel better now! :)

If you are happy to visit once, you simply text or e mail your aunt, there is no need for an awkward telephone conversation here, and say that you have plans over Christmas and can only commit to visiting once. If any of those plans fall through you will try to squeeze in another visit if you can. That's all you need to say. And alleviate your sense of guilt by sending your grandmother a framed photo of you and your dc.

Send a simple message saying "thanks for letting me know you will be away I will do my best to fit in a visit around our own Christmas plans"