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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my ill dd off?

16 replies

Whosaysitstheseasontobejolly · 07/12/2012 18:02

My 16 year old daughter is ill with cancer.

Yes this is difficult for her, as it is for all of us.

But she is also a typical 16 year old girl, and sometimes this means she has lip and sometimes can be a bit of an idiot.

Therefore I will tell her off.

She says this is unfair, as she is ill, and I say no as she's being rude, and illness doesn't allow her to be rude.

DH says I can't tell her off when she's ill.

AIBU to think I can't live for possibly months with a rude obnoxious teenager (admitedly not all of the time) that is beyond repremand?

OP posts:

TeamBacon · 07/12/2012 18:04

I have no idea as I've not been in your situation, but I imagine that I'd be more likely to let the small things go.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 07/12/2012 18:05

Very sad to hear about your daughter - what is the prognosis?

NoTeaForMe · 07/12/2012 18:06

I hve never been in your position so can't reach advise...but, I would think thy you still need to tell her off, you're in a terrible position of stress at the moment and living with a teenager who is rude etc is not going to help. I guess that some little things would be let slip though. Does she have siblings?

I'm so sorry you're going trough this, hopefully someone better will come along soon.

Santasapunkatheart · 07/12/2012 18:10

There is a lot of psychology involved with illness. I have lymphoma so I know the complications. There is fury, sadness, self-pity, fear....all this stuff and then with adolescence on top, may be unbearable.

That said, I do understand what you mean - it is important to be 'normal' and to still have boundaries - so that she does not feel too much like a patient.

A counsellor would really be helpful in this situation - she can unload about you, or her situation. Or family counselling. Trust me, it is tremendously useful.

I am very sorry to hear about her situation and I wish her a good prognosis. Must be an appallingly worrying time.

AmberLeaf · 07/12/2012 18:11

Good post Punkatheart

I was going to ask if she's had any access to counselling too?

Original poster

Whosaysitstheseasontobejolly · 07/12/2012 18:12

Prognosis is not something anyone (i.e. doctors) want to commit to, but appears ok-good.

There are younger siblings, and it tends to be towards them that her behaviour is worse. This is why I intervene, because they don't feel they can retaliate in normal sibling manner as they are scared as she's ill, and I normally leave them to sort out their arguments. But where they don't retaliate she just goes on and on.

Sometimes she just goes round looking for a verbal fight.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2012 18:12

I remember Nigella talking about having arguments with her very sick DH. He would have to strop off with his oxygen to the spare room. Life, including telling off, has to go on. Boundaries are a loving thing, a normal thing in the face of all the horrible abnormal.

Very good luck to you and your DD.

Original poster

Whosaysitstheseasontobejolly · 07/12/2012 18:13

She has been offered access to a counsellor but refuses to see someone, as she says she doesn't need it.

OP posts:

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 07/12/2012 18:14

Boundaries make us feel safe and secure. I would keep on with your boundaries although have never been in your situation to know whats best either.

YouSeveredHead · 07/12/2012 18:15

I think you need to deal with where it's coming from rather than what's she's saying iyswim. Yes she's taking it out on them. Can't blame her in lots of ways she must need to let it out. Does she have any support outside of the family?

EmmelineGoulden · 07/12/2012 18:17

My neice had lukemia (now recovered). The advice her parents had from the hospital and the charity they got support from was that, as far as possible, she should be treated normally. Exceptions should be made for things that were actually caused by the illness, so allowance made for the fact she was incredibly tired during the worst bits of the illness and treatment. And understanding of the stress you are all under and emotional rollercoaster you are on. But that treating her with kid gloves would not help her have as good a time as she could - whatever the outcome.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you all find the support and love you need and the outcome is good.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman · 07/12/2012 18:17

you should do as your doing.

Especially since it concerns you other dc.

I am sorry for your situation and for your family. But you could end up with dcs that resent their older sister because she was allowed to treat them how she wanted, because she was sick. This resentment can lead into adulthood.

I know this because it happened with my mum. Her sister had varying illnesses growing up. She was allowed to get away with murder. As adults she is still treated as a sick child and everyone is expected to bend to her will even now.

some of the family (mum included) don't speak to her because she strips at everything. Its just easier.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes · 07/12/2012 18:18

Whosays are you on the Children with Cancer thread? There's a lot of support there.
DS is 3 and has neuroblastoma. Fortunately my DD is less than a year old and so has no concept of how we treat him. However, I am a little more lenient on him than I used to be, but he is still disciplined. He recently started slapping me round the face. God willing he will grow up and, when he does, I will not have him thinking that is acceptable behaviour.

It breaks my heart to tell him off but he will still hopefully become a functioning member of society as an adult and he has to learn.

I've questioned myself many times but the nurses, doctors etc have all stressed its important for us as parents to continue to act as normally as possible.

I know DS is so much younger than your DD and doesn't understand how sick he is but I think the principles are the same.

((Hugs)) regardless.

RyleDup · 07/12/2012 18:25

I think it depends what it is. If the behaviour is because of anxiety or fear because of the illness, I'd cut her a bit of slack. Same obviously if she is feeling unwell. If its just normal cheeky behaviour then I would still tell her off, esp if its impacting on the other siblings.

NoWayNoHow · 07/12/2012 18:30

Firstly, so sorry to hear about your DD - that must be so hard...

Secondly, I don't think YABU. I have friends whose very young daughter had cancer, and the prognosis was 50/50. They were so desperate to make her happy and to make their time with her easy, that they quite understandably allowed her to get away with anything and everything.

Im afraid to say that she turned unto a really horrible little girl, very unpleasant to be around, and lost a lot of friends who weren't prepared to put up with her awful behaviour. A year after being given the all clear, she has stabilised and become a lovely girl, largely as her parent's "kid gloves" approach has disappeared.

I also know, from speaking to her parent's, that her behaviour at its worst was a cause if major strain ans upset between them, and caused an unpleasant atmosphere with her other siblings.

I think if you cave into your DS's demands, you will likely be making a rod for your own back, whilst at the same time making this difficult situation harder to deal with than it needs to be...

BsshBossh · 07/12/2012 20:04

Oh I feel for you and it's such a difficult call to make in a difficult situation. I ad cancer at 30 for three years and remember being angry and lashing out alot at loved ones even though I was having counselling. In the end I withdrew and keptmy feelings to myself as I went through treatment and recovered. I'd imagine my feelings & behaviour would be a lot worse if I was a teen and for my parents too if I'd been living with them. Yes, there will be times when your DD is taking the piss and should be told off for/called up on her (mis)behaviour. But at the same time it's so hard for her on top of all the usual teen/hormonal stuff. And so bloody hard for you and your DH too!

I would continue to call her up on behaviour that's wrong - especially as it affects your other DC - but show/tell her at the same time that you understand her misbehaviour may be due to what she's going through.

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