AIBU about my Dad?

[KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat]

Brief (ha!) bit of background:

My mum & dad divorced when I was 4; dad has been in and out of my life, had lots of girlfriends but never settled down, never paid child support, regularly let me & my brother down over visits, holidays, etc. and several times whilst growing up we said we didn't want to see him anymore. As an adult I've always known that he's quite useless & just made my peace with seeing him maybe once a year at most.

Two years ago he was promoted & moved to Germany for the job. He met a new girlfriend there & by all accounts they make a good couple (I've never met her but they've been together about 18 months). Since this relationship started, I've heard even less from my dad and contact has consisted of a brief email once a month or so.

In July, he forgot my dc2's 6th birthday. I emailed him with an admittedly passive aggressive "Hi, how are you? We had a lovely weekend with *** for his birthday. Here are some photos." and he replied with a huge apology, saying that his laptop had just been repaired & he'd lost all his calendars & birthday reminders. I let it go & accepted what he said.

Last week was my eldest's 8th birthday. No card, phone call, email or any form of contact from my Dad again. I assume he has forgotten this too. I emailed him on Sunday night with another PA, chatty summary of what we did and a round of photos, but this time there's no reply. I get a read receipt when the email has been opened, so I know he's seen it.

WWYD? If it was my birthday, I'd shrug it off & not think twice (I got a Moonpig card for mine two weeks after dc2's forgotten 6th birthday btw), but these are his grandchildren & they deserve a grandfather who remembers their birthdays, right? I suspect that if I properly challenged him on this, he'd get very angry & defensive and we would just fall out, perhaps irreparably this time. He's not the sort to take criticism on board & change his behaviour, not where family is concerned.

Should I just ignore it & accept that he's as terrible a grandfather as he was a father?

I really do think you've given him enough chances. Even if you guilted him in to sending a late card/pressie this time round, he'll still 'forget' again, and you'll never be 100% certain he'll remember any anniversary etc. It will be beastly for your dcs as they get older, and nerve-wracking for you twice a year.

ImperialSantaKnickers Yes, you're right about how many chances he's had. I've given up all hope of him ever being a great Dad. The nerve-wracking would be 4 times a year though as I have 4 kids.

Your DCs might deserve an involved, caring grandfather - but they haven't got one, have they? He's hardly likely to change now!!

Sounds like my dad!! I think I have come to terms we will never have a proper relationship and like you have made peace that I will see him once a year. (I live outside the UK now in any case). I never got a birthday card this year from him, neither a happy birthday message. It did upset me as he has never forgotten to at least ring before or email a happy birthday wish. I think forgetting your child´birthday is pretty shitty tbh. Those excuses are the exact sort of ones my dad uses. Utter BS. Like I said, I have learned to not believe the crap but just maintain a loose relationship with my dad. Then no one can say I never made an effort. (((Hugs)))

I would let it go, I am sure there are other people in your childrens lives who make them feel special. Sometimes it is just not worth the aggro, and I speak as someone who has been through it with my own dad, he is dead now but I do not beat myself up over something that was not of my doing...let it go.

BerryChristmas - yes, good point!

escorpion - thanks for the hugs. Sorry you have this problem too.

somuchslimmernow - yes, you're right in that they do have other people in his place (MIL & FIL are amazing with them, and my Mum & Stepdad are fab too). I am leaning more towards letting it go than confronting him.

I would let it go too. Do you really want the stress to continue?