To think this shouldn't be put on me

[Ra88]

Basically my dp's dad taken ill and in hospital . He currently lives on his own and needs someone to look after him . Dp's sister has said that he can stay with her, they live in the same town. My dp has now taken it upon himself to say that he can come and stay with us instead (he doesn't really like his dsis) Not Taking into account that he is working away at the moment and only home weekends and that is the case quite often. So therefore it would actually be me taking care of him.we also live 15 miles away from where he lives and there is no way of getting to anywhere from where we live other than by car/bus. I work evenings so would be in all day looking after my dd and also dfil. When he had a bit of a "housing issue" a few years back he asked to stay with his other daughter for a week .. Stayed about 18 months! I do feel like an unsupportive cow but I also feel that if he has his daughter who is willing to look after him then why should it be my place just because dp doesn't really like his dsis.?!? Advice please as dp thinks I'm awful

You feel like an un supportive cow for a reason.

So DP failed to consult you first before opening his mouth?

DP thinks you're awful? Start giving him random commitments with your family. Like, "you're taking my mother Christmas shopping tomorrow", "you're taking my family out to dinner, I'm not coming". He is selfish and very presumptuous to expect you to do this because he says so. Is he normally a selfish twunt?

Sorry, is it your dp who doesn't like his dsis, or his father who doesn't like his daughter?

Sorry just seen the last but one sentence.
YANBU. It's far too big a thing, if he can't live alone he must require a fairly high level of care and it's not fair to suddenly give you an extra 60 hour a week job to do.

YANBU.

You are being hugely taken for granted by your DP.

I'd make it clear that the sister was the only best option.

Your DP can't make such a commitment without consulting you! That's outrageous and doubly so if he isn't even going to be around much.

We looked after a PIL after an operation, and it was incredibly hard work. It was only do-able because we both agreed exactly what we could do and where we needed help, and DH pressured his sisters into doing some of the work too. Your DP is trying to dump this all into your lap, which is totally unfair.

I would tell him that as DSIS has offered, then you could perhaps support her by e.g. having FIL to stay at your house some weekends, organising days out etc, to give her some respite, and to give FIL a change of scene.

YANBU

How dare your 'D'P volunteer your services without even asking you? If he wanted to look after his dad then I would say fair play to him but he's forcing you to do all the hard stuff so he can do nothing and look like the hero

He thinks your awful? I think he's a selfish arse

YANBU.

a) He should have consulted with your first
b) He's not even going to be around to help?
c) His father will be left alone all evening while you work?

Your DP is BVVVVVVU

If he wants to look after his father then he and you could discuss it and try to see if it's feasible. However, he isn't planning to do that, he's expecting you to do it without even discussing it with you.

Sexist, misogynistic twunt.

I think I'd be saying ok, I'll go stay with my mum and you can take time off from your work to look after your dad. Oh, sorry, you were expecting to work away and have me look after your dad, weren't you? Without even having the courtesy to discuss it with me.

It's unacceptable to volunteer someone else for something like this. He should have discussed it with you and not just decided you are going to provide round the clock care while he won't even be around to help!

He is being totally unreasonable.

I think he is being the unreasonable one. You can't just volunteer somebody to look after an ill person. Maybe a couple of weeks or so at the most would be about doable but not anything long term. It's unfair.

This is bad.

He should have consulted you. It is really wrong to say you will look after his father without even talking it over with you. How is it going to affect you? And your children? Will FIL even want his DIL doing quite personal things for him-wouldn't he prefer his own daughter?

Your DH should have a proper talk with his father and sisters about what suits the father best (why should FIL have to leave his town? He may not want to). You may need to be present to make sure he doesn't sign you up for stuff that isn't fair or appropriate.

A better idea is respite care at weekends (when DH is there) and so on, at least for the time being, then review how FIL is in say 6 months time.

If FIL is getting frail, his children need to pull together, not do things to spite each other.

YANBU.
Your DP should have consulted you before making the offer. I think you're right, it shouldn't be put on you. Oh, and you're NOT being an unsupportive cow.

YANBU

Utterly ridiculous for your DP to offer this without discussion.

You are not unsupportive

I would have turned to dh and asked if he had booked annual leave for the time off to look after his dad.

Families supporting each other is great but id be fucking livid had made a decision on his own which would impact my life so much.

I think your DP is completely wrong here. His sister has already offered, and unless your DP is willing to take time off, he shouldn't be offering to take him. It's his dad after all. And his sister's dad. Not your dad, they should be sorting things out between them.

Also by being with his sister, your DP's dad is in more familiar and more accessible surroundings, which will be better for him, whether or not it suits your DP.

I write from the POV of someone who has done the most care for a poorly MIL. My DP is in the middle of a frantically busy time at his work, one SIL is totally disabled, and the other lives 15 miles away, BUT, this was all discussed and agreed before I became involved.

OMG your DP is being a total cock face.

Sister has offered. Great, leave it at that.

Oh, if DP insists on FIL staying then I second the suggestion of you nipping back to your mums for a bit. How fucking ride to offer you to look after FIL without even asking.