For wanting to take my furniture from the house I was locked out of

[Rukidding]

After 9 yrs and 2 children my relationship has ended. We had been through a seperation before and my kids took it hard. Seperating was of course hurtful and that hurt, guilt and shame for losing the love of your life and breaking up your kids "happy home" Expressed itself in an ugly way. So learning from that experiance I tried to remain calm and reasonable when the time came to moving out. I truely believe there was nothing I could have done diffrently and if it wasnt good enough then it wasnt ever gonna be. I didnt feel angry or sad. We just couldnt do it and its not any ones fault. We tried and just couldnt. It happens.
But my ex didnt feel the same. He was in a pscyhotic rapage, and brought his mother to keep him motivated. He was trying to just make me leave without any belongings. He said he'd pack up my stuff and drop it off. It wasnt that simple. That was 9 years of my life there and I have 2 kids...how could he send us away with nothing? He said I'm gonna stay with my mom so I dont need any of the furniture. And my mom runs a daycare so I dont even need toys for our toddler. It was such an ugly, selfish side of him that I never witnessed before.
He of course was cheap as hell and controlled our finances. When we first started off our house was full of furniture my mom would find at yardsales cuz he didnt think we needed anything bad enough that cost more then 20bucks. Dont even mention buying it on credit! He's just cheap. definatley not broke. Just cheap. So as the years past it was me saving to keep our kids from wanting anything and gradually replacing the old crap with the good stuff.
So to have him behave so ugly over things that he knows I need or at the very least am entitled to was an absolutley shocking expierance.
Either way I just wanted to leave peacefully for the sake of our children and in hopes of a coparenting relationship. I figured, "all I need is my washer and dryer, I'm not afraid of starting over". I didnt tell him this cause he and his mom never stopped yelling at me and telling me what a jerk I am for thinking I'm gonna leave with my daughters belongings and my fav toaster. And I didnt want them to think they bullied me out of my belongings. So I figured I'll take my washer and dryer, personal things that he has no use for and wait for the anger to die down and see if we could come up with a reasonable arrangement.
But as soon as I walked outside, he locked me out. I called the cops and they said since we're not married I need to get a court order to retrieve property.
So this finally gets me to think, "ok fuck him. I wasnt even gonna take all that but now I'm taking all of it. And if I dont take it your gonna pay me for it. As well as whatever penelties there is for early eviction.
So I let him know I'll be getting a court order and he lays on a guilt trip about how I'd be leaving him with an empty house and when our girls would visit they'd be sleeping on the floor.
I do live with my mom but not for long. So why should I end up with an empty house? Its the lack of respect that he has shown for the past 9 yrs of my life that gets to me. It doesnt seem right to excuse his behavior and not go to court. But if he will be nice then thats best for the girls and the furniture would be a small price to pay if the girls are happy...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

What a horrible situation for you. I think you should go to a family law solicitor asap. He is using your DCs as blackmail already so he is showing the depths to which he is prepared to sink.

Have your DCs moved out with you? You will need a court determined access arrangement for them, since I cannot believe he is going to be reasonable.

I would ignore all his crappy attempts to manipulate and go down the legal route.

Be aware that he may smash up your furniture if he is ordered to let you have it, so you need to make the court aware of that. Perhaps ask that if it is smashed, you get the value of it?

I agree with running - this man is not going to be reasonable. Or rational. You are wasting your time waiting for that! Go to a solicitor.

Get the court order.

Keep an arms length between you and him. Use the law. He won't believe you'll do it and will keep laying on the guilt. Ignore and get your things back.

I waited until my dh was at work, broke in via the back door and grabbed my stuff.

I think the legal route would be the sensible thing to do though.

Think you need proper legal advice to be honest - you can't negotiate with people like this.

Why are you the one who has to move out ? If you are going to care for children, isn't it usual that the primary carer stays in the house? Though I'm not sure, based on your post, whether you're in the UK so if not things might work differently where you are.

He is scum making his children homeless.

See a lawyer about retrieving your belongings. And in my opinion, whoever has the children should have more 'rights' to goods as that parent needs to clothe/feed/care for the children.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who replied. It is so encouraging to read your thoughts on this. I feel all of the things I've read in your replies, but have been caught in this huge web of guilt for standing up for myself against the father of my kids. I have stood for him and our children for so many years and to now find myself in a position where a desicion should be made on whats best for me and not "us", has made me feel brain dead. I feel selfish for thinking of my feelings. And I really cant rememeber ever thinking of just me for at least the past nine years. I have literally forgotten how to live and think based on what makes me content and happy. I always felt like as long as I make my family happy, I'm fullfilling my goals in life.
So reading your comments and have them be so similar to what I wish I could say out loud but never do, has made me feel much more confident and I am super grateful.

To answer some of your questions...I'm not in the UK, I am in California, U.S. And we never legally married. His mom had been married and divorced 9 times, so he didnt like the thought of marriage and would say we'll be together forever as long as we dont marry.
I was just never the girl that dreamed of walking down the isle. I was so committed to him and truely felt that there was nothing we couldnt figure out. And also, the U.S. has had this battle with weather or not gay and lesbian couples have the right to marry. This issue has been such a heated topic for so many years, and made me ashamed of the way our legal system has handled it. So I kinda told myself when our legal system accepts and welcomes everyone to love whoever they want then I'll be ready to marry.
But we lived as a married couple. We went to marriage counseling and for 3 years went through fertility treatments to have our 2nd child. the possibility that we may not be together forever never occured to me. If I doubted that even for a moment I wouldn't have had our 2nd child, And that was a three year process. Weather we were doing the right thing never crossed my mind.
Of course he now says he supported the fertility process to make me happy but he knew the whole time he wasnt gonna stay. It seems I was in love and believed in him a lot more then he did me. I wish he woulda had the B to tell me that though. Instead he chose to lie about everything to make sure I never knew he had doubts.
Because I loved and trusted him so much, the battle over money and how it was spent, was something I surrendered to him. I never understood it and if it made him feel better having so much control over finances, then fine. I'm happy when he feels better and I trusted him to handle it. I would derposit my own paychecks into his personal bank account for 7yrs. To be honest I never knew what bills we had to pay. Everything was locked up in his office. It made him feel secure and I was just so happy with my life it never bothered me.
I'm not a dumb girl. I'm educated and managed financial offices and retail stores...I can handle money. Its not that I couldnt. Its just that it ment more to him to control then it did to me, so I'd take one for the "team", cuz I thought thats how relationships stayed together long term. By being willing to sacrifice for each other, and support eachothers hangs ups.
The house he locked me out of we had just bought last year. Well I thought we bought it. When it came down to signing the final documents he said I didn t need to be a part of it cuz he decieded to just put it under his name cuz I had bad credit. I didnt know anything about bad credit cuz he never told me that before and since he controlled the money I never had a reason to check my credit. He said after we move in he'd add me to the title. Of course as soon as we moved in he allowed his feeling of our life to make themselves at home before me. Moving into that house was when I got my first glimpse of our relationship being in trouble. It wasnt until then that I noticed I had given up control of my life....to a man that didnt even want to be in it.
So I definatley had to leave the house. I was a legal resident of it, which entiled me to a 60 day notice before having to vacate. But my ex assumed 60 sec. was plenty.

you need to see a lawyer - very quickly. I don't know about the california legal system (UK based) but in the UK there would be things you could do to get your stuff and reclaim your life as well as force him to financially support your children. Other than that I can only give you moral support - good luck.

Don't let it go, or you will resent it, and him, even more, anf it will be harder for you to "leave" him mentally.

He and his mother sound batty, and deeply unpleasant; no doubt they would love to have you tied to them by resentment and your kidnapped furniture... You aren't going to give them that satisfaction, are you?