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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would i be unreasonable to get my friends together to clear the air?

44 replies

Emmielu · 06/12/2012 18:04

A lot has happened in the last month where im concerned. I've moved into my first home onto my own and to be honest i am struggling but then again i havent found my feet yet.

I have a group of friends i hold close and since i've moved (if anything closer to them) i've started feeling left out of things. My OH said maybe its all in my head but im not so sure. I'm not sure if my memory is becoming an issue or if there is a problem. Here are some examples;

There is a Christmas lunch that is usually planned before the kids break up. One of the friends asked me if i needed a lift to the meal. I wasnt told anything about it.

Then theres the kids Christmas party at another friends house. I was asked what i was bringing food wise to the party. I didnt know about that.

The new years party - i only know of it through someone else whos invited and they knew last week. I found out today.

I haven't been around them much because along with getting Christmas things i've still not finished unpacking and am feeling drained. I've also been round a friend of mines for a cuppa one afternoon a week for the last 3 weeks. My group of friends dont like her. I dont know why but they dont. She's trying to become part of the group and did get upset about it yesterday because she felt by talking to me and having a cuppa with me it was causing problems.

It was topped off today by me being told by again someone who is just invited that after a assembly for the kids next week, the group are going to a friends house with a few other people and was i coming. I didnt know about it until the invited person told me. When i said i hadnt been told she said: Thats probably because the girls said that you'll probably be with that woman again.

That was rude to call my friend "that woman" when she has a name and they're fully aware of what her name is. Now although im hurt by the fact that they hardly talk to me now let alone tell me things, i was also hurt by the immature way they're dealing with this.

My OH suggested i get the girls round mine for a cuppa and clear the air. I think its a good idea. But would i be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:

KenLeeeeeee · 06/12/2012 18:06

Your "friends" sound positively delightful. YABU to want to put any effort into maintaining a friendship with them. The other lady sounds much more pleasant to be around. I'd focus on enjoying spending time with her and bobbins to the other lot.

MerryKissMyArse · 06/12/2012 18:07

Find out what is going on by all means, but getting thme all round together for a pow-wow where you confront them about why you seem to be being left out sounds like a truly horrific idea to me. But then I don't do confrontation.

Original poster

Emmielu · 06/12/2012 18:09

Whenever i try an explain how i feel it always comes out wrong or seems to. The whole "sounds fine to me but not to others" I know i should in theory distance myself from them but i have a variety of friends whether its a group or not. I just dont understand whats so wrong about having friends outside of the group?

OP posts:

Seabird72 · 06/12/2012 18:14

it's like being back in the playground again isn't it?! I think you are being deliberately excluded because of your friendship with this other woman - seems you have to choose who you would rather spend time with - personally if you can be cut off this easily over one friendship that doesn't meet their expectations then it could happen again if you choose them over this other woman - I would concentrate on that friendship and if you get asked whether you are attending such and such just say "Oh I haven't been invited" and leave it at that.

complexnumber · 06/12/2012 18:14

Thank fuck I'm a bloke.

Sorry, not at all helpful. Just my initial reaction.

PessaryPam · 06/12/2012 18:21

Hahaha complex. Think I'm a honorary bloke too.

PickledInAPearTree · 06/12/2012 18:26

I agree they are closing ranks on you as you are friends with the other lady.

The question is what your willing to do about it I suppose. They sound childish and nasty.

LaCiccolina · 06/12/2012 18:27

Ur friends don't like new friend - why? Do u know? U need to in order to fully make a judgement as to why u are being excluded and whether its worth making a call on which set to stay friends with.

U r going to have to choose. One set is being manipulative certainly but I'm not necessarily thinking its the group. Are u sure the one girl isn't weird?

It's all extremely childish but pointing that out won't get u more friends!

DontmindifIdo · 06/12/2012 18:30

I think they don't sound like nice people to be honest. Why don't they like the other friend?

Also, you assume that they all have a problem with you, could it be that one person who's been doing the organising has been deliberately leaving you out? The fact that the others are asking you if you need a lift/talking about the events assuming you're going, sounds more like they didn't think you were being left out - if they agreed with you not being there you'd not be told about these things.

It could simply be they don't want to be your friend anymore, or that you have dropped off the radar because you've not been around. But it does sound like some people like controlling the whole group and being very insular. i don't know why your friend is trying to join this group, they sound like they think they are at school and are the 'cool gang' - just cut them out, focus on other friends, build a new group, invite ones from that group you like for coffee etc as individuals rather than "whole group or nothing".

hellymelly · 06/12/2012 18:32

Oh complexnumber, you have no idea how hideous the machinations of women can get. I have two dds and they are having to deal with this too, but they are 7 and 5. OP I think talking to maybe the person in the group to whom you feel closest might be better? But you knwo how your friends operate. I have to say, they sound childish and not terribly nice.

DontmindifIdo · 06/12/2012 18:32

oh, but it would be worth finding out what the problem with this other woman is, it could be perfectly reasonable to not want to be friends with her or associate with anyone who does.

upstart68 · 06/12/2012 18:46

Sounds like a typical playground group of ten year old girls to me.

I'd distance myself from the group and make some new friends. They sound hideous.

Original poster

Emmielu · 06/12/2012 18:47

complexnumber - you have no idea how many times i've wished i was a man. Not taken any action against it though.

I really cant think of what the problem is with my friend. I dont see a fault in her. Maybe I've missed something. It really is like being back at school and i really dont know how to deal with it. I've tried talking to one of the friends i feel closest to but she's just said that i've not done anything wrong and they worry about me at a stressful time. Yet none of the others have said a word to me. I think she feels that if she tells me the truth then she's likely to be dragged into my position.

OP posts:

upstart68 · 06/12/2012 18:57

I think she feels that if she tells me the truth then she's likely to be dragged into my position.

That's how these groups work though isn't it? The leader decides she doesn't like someone, so everybody else says so too, so as not to lose their position in the group. You have broken the rules by still seeing your friend, so you are being punished for it.

It's pathetic bullying. The leader will probably forgive you if you suck up enough. The question is, do you want to?

Original poster

Emmielu · 06/12/2012 19:18

Eventually the leader will be lonely, surely? I'll be honest it doesnt surprise me, one has already been pushed away from the group so its my turn now. Theirs 4 of them left. 2 are best friends, as are the other 2. My best friend isnt part of that group. So looking at it im the outcast arent i.

OP posts:

upstart68 · 06/12/2012 19:29

I don't know. I may be completely wrong.

But it can't be a coincidence that they're leaving you out if you're normally invited as part of a group. Just sounds really mean to me.

complexnumber · 06/12/2012 19:37

Crikey!

I thought I was going to get a bit of a kicking for my post, but it seems that all of you accept that this treatment is just part being a woman and having friends.

TalkativeJim · 06/12/2012 19:47

Not my friends, that's for sure.

Sounds bonkers!

But my friends are people I genuinely have things in common with and are similar to in outlook. I don't have a 'gang' or a clique that I am involved with. Maybe that's it.

I do think its an occupational hazard of having a group of friends where the link is something incidental such as having children of the same age, meeting through the school etc. and that seems to be more a female than a male problem.

Creamtea1 · 06/12/2012 21:19

I f**king hate women a lot of the time. This is the kind of shit my 'friends' would also do to me and it drives me mad.

As everyone else said, they are behaving like kids in the playground. But I also see your dilemma that if you have it out with them and that doesn't go well, they will make your life a misery in the real playground.

cumfy · 06/12/2012 21:57

It's all extremely childish but pointing that out won't get u more friends!

But are they really friends ?

hellymelly · 06/12/2012 23:25

complex- I don't accept personally that its part of having friends,- in that I don't have friends who treat me like that now,- but it is certainly part of the experience of girls as they grow up. My daughter is in the middle of a similar situation now, and it is so depressing to witness as she is getting very upset at being picked up and then dropped , over and over again. Not all girls do this, but all girls will come up against groups and cliques if they go to school.

Bumblequeen · 07/12/2012 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 07/12/2012 01:06

Talk to the one you like/trust the most - see if she can give you a reason you are being left out and a reason why they don't like your other friend. Then having listened to her, make your mind up what to do next - ditch them is probably the solution!

Why is your BF not a part of this group?

What does your BF think of 'this woman'?

Molepomandmistletoe · 07/12/2012 08:21

Walk away.

You have a made a new friend and this particular person in the group doesn't like it.

She is insecure enough to arrange stuff but not invite you, the others sound as though they are not aware of this, but they are not "getting involved" for fear of being put in the position you are in now, which to me shows that they do bloody well know something but are not doing anything about it. To have that many people come up to you about such and such an event to find out you didnt know anything about it means they would have realised by now that there's a pattern.

You are being Wendied.

Walk away now and leave them to their games. MY 12 year old is going through this right now as is my 36 year old friend...it's pathetic.

Original poster

Emmielu · 08/12/2012 07:07

Well, i went to see the one person out of that group that i trust and you know what it was? Because i've been stressed lately with having my first home and have only been in the house 1 month (today) i've not found my feet yet, am struggling to find my feet and make ends meet and because of this i dont tend to be all bouncing off walls and i dont tend to talk a lot because its the only thing on my mind. So because of this, the girls havent been happy with me because i've been moody and have taken it out on them. So instead of pulling me aside and saying "c'mon lets sit down together and you can tell us whats wrong, we want to help you" they spent 2 weeks talking about it among themselves.

I made it clear to this person that i wont tolerate that whatsoever. If there is a problem to do with me then they come to me. Im not in school anymore and i cant help a situation im involved in if no one tells me what i've done wrong. I also told her that to me its such a petty thing and that i should be considering if i want to be around people who'd rather talk behind my back about it than come to me. I live up the road from 3 of these girls. Why not call me? Why not come over? I also made it aware to her that how they are around my friend who isnt in the group is horrible and down right unacceptable. Im not saying they've got to be friends etc, but if im stood with this friend talking to her and one of the girls comes to talk to me, at least say hello to the woman! Dont pure blank ignore her.

I'm yet to apologise to the girls for how i've behaved towards them, but i shall do so on monday when i see them, as i will also let them know that if in future there is a problem or they are concerned, bloody well talk to me! Dont do it behind my back.

That was what the fuss was all about. I got upset. I got angry. My friend got upset. For that.

OP posts:

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