To say we can’t afford to visit DF’s family at Christmas

[Ambivalence]

My DF ( fiancé) is pretty hopeless with money and so I have been nagging him for ages to prepare a list of his incomings/ outgoings so that we can prepare a joint budget. I have also been nagging him to check his finances before committing to things, rather than just spending the money and asking me to bail him out. He is not good at living within his means, which I realise is unlikely to ever change as he is 46!

He has now just texted me with the conclusion that we should not go to Holland for Christmas as it would be cheaper to stay at home ( he doesn?t get paid time off anyway).

I have texted back to say we will discuss it tonight. I feel really mean to agree with him, and let him spend Christmas without his family and friends but it would be a lesson to him about working out what you can afford before making plans ( we just went to Holland a week ago for his birthday ? he booked the wrong flights and so lost 2 days wages as a result, and spent £200 hosting a party in a bar for his friend).

I am a bit annoyed with him about money anyway as he has been in a low paid call centre (£9/ hour) job since he moved to London in the spring ? despite promising to look for something in his field and at a professional salary comparable to the job he left ( her hasn?t put much effort into this), and he is disorganised about giving me money towards the bills ( no rent as I pay the mortgage on my flat) and I have been asking him for months to set up a weekly standing order/ direct debit to me, as he is paid weekly and his budgeting skills are poor.

I feel really mean saying we can?t afford to go to see his family, but in the end I think this might be a lesson learned for him. He never saves anything for a rainy day. I have just had to spend my rainy day fund on some unexpected building work and so don?t have funds to bail him out. Should I agree with him we can?t afford the trip at Christmas or be kind and pay for it?

[SundaysGirl]

Whoa hang on. You want to spend the rest of your life with a man who makes you pick up a tab for £200 to get his mates pissed, and says he?s got no money for his Xmas do, so how is he going to give you this money by Saturday exactly?

You say you need to accept he is crap with money and take control of the finances..but he?s not letting you do that is he because he is not allowing you access to his finances to control. He is not even paying his share of the bills!

You say he is the love of your life? Well how can you be the love of HIS life when he doesn?t even respect you enough to pay his fair share towards his upkeep and just takes from you instead? You are bankrolling him to live however he wants and when the money runs out he has you feeling guilty because he can?t see his family?

You want to marry someone who doesn?t even care enough to save up for your honeymoon? So you will begin your first day of married life either not on honeymoon or having to pay for it yourself?

What on earth makes him so special you are willing to put up with this? I?m genuinely can you not see this man has no respect for you at ALL and therefore cannot possibly love you?

[Mollydoggerson]

Is the wedding about a public statement? Would you be happy with a very quiet registry office wedding? Why marry him at all?

[Ambivalence]

The wedding is a public statement by my mother - in the indian community it is very importnat to invite people to weddings to repay hospitality.

It's something I want to but pragmatically given finances I'd have been happy for a registry office do.

His solution to the immediate problem has been to ring his mum, she is sending him £2,000 - he will use this to pay me back, and presumably to go to holland for christmas.

He is expecting his mum to pay for our honeymoon.

[Ambivalence]

I have decided to stop subbing him, this weekend I am making an accurate budget and will show him what his half of the bills really is ( i guesstimate it is about £700/ month) and will be villing him accordingly for everything except the mortagage ( I am sorting out a pre-nup so he has no claim on my flat)

[Pandemoniaa]

I am sorting out a pre-nup so he has no claim on my flat

This is such a sad statement. I'm not saying you aren't doing a very sensible thing by protecting your assets but somehow it reads as if you've know full well that he can't be trusted. Even before you marry.

[Ambivalence]

No, I do trust him to pay me back any debts - however tardily.

When we broke uo 8 years ago he owed me £3,000 - as we'd been using my interest free credit card for holidays etc in anticipation of me getting a payrise when I qualified as a solicitor, he paid me back £500 a month until it was clear.

[Redstockingswillstopsanta]

You know this is not going to work,don't you?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So, you said he doesn't have debts. He does, they are just to the Bank of Mummy.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Just out of curiosity: Do you respect him?

A 46 year old man. A spendthrift who looks to his girlfriend or his mum to pay his living, his parties and fun, and his mum to pay for the honeymoon??

He is pathetic.

Can you not do better?

What part of you does this man satisfy? The need to be and feel superior? The need to "mother" an adult?

I am afraid this sorry set up does not paint you in a very good light either!

[Ambivalence]

My thing is, my father was like this, living hand to mouth etc, but when he married my mum she "sorted him out" and he became much more responsible, saving etc - , he gave me my flat deposit when I was 26, supported 5 kids etc, so it worked with him, so i am hopeful DF can turn over a new lease.

The pre- nup was DF's idea

[MrsTerryPratchett]

That is the sound of the penny dropping. Just because your DF changed it does not mean that your DFiance will. I bet your DF wasn't getting married in his late 40s either. The longer it goes on for the less likely any change is.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

tsk tsk

No wonder you are glamorizing this man child.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

He wants the prenup? Is that so that he can live rent free in your house with a clear conscience while you pay the mortgage alone?

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

Out of curiosity, how old was your dad when he married your mum? And how old was he when you were 26?


I hope it did not take your mum 26 years of struggles, to get to that point, with a 72 year old husband...

[Ambivalence]

My father was 47 when he married my mother.

When it comes to money - no, I don't respect DF,

in other ways I do - for his loyalty, kindness, being caring and affectionate and protective to me, honesty ( except finances...), emotional intelligence, intellectual connection etc

[Ambivalence]

Took my mum 2 years to get my Dad "in line", by the time my older sis was born..

[Ambivalence]

Mum was 28 when they married

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He wants the pre-nup for that reason Alibaba and for the same reason he paid back the 3000 pounds he owed. He knows exactly where the line is and how much he can expect to take form the OP. Scary that he knows and she doesn't.

OP I am not being mean and scarky out of pleasure but because you seem blind to this. Please try to see that you can do better.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Wow, so you are exactly reproducing your DM's situation. Please don't expect the same outcome. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr]

But, they are different people?

It is pretty standard for a woman to find a partner that reminds her of her dad, this is text book. But, they are different people, and may not react in the same way.

Just because your MUM managed to subdue your dad and whip his personality into line with her own thinking, there is no reason to believe that you will be able to do the same!

You are not the same as your mum, and he is not the same as your dad!

[Cahoootz]

I bet your DF was sorted out when he was a lot younger than 46. People can and do mature over the years but your partner is not showing any signs of doing so.

I find your posts curious. They are so honest and insightful one moment and defensive and almost deluded the next. Have you considered showing these threads to your partner?

[HoratiaLovesBabyJesus]

Men don't change their inner natures when they get married, only their superficial habits.

I don't get what you see in him. "Soulmate" is teen fiction shorthand for "handsome abuser I can't get out if my head".

[HoratiaLovesBabyJesus]

*out of

[Cahoootz]

Sorry thread had moved on by the time I posted.....

[Ambivalence]

yes, I am considering showing thses threads to DF, am also considering a private session with our relate counsellor and showing her these so we can discuss them.

I think what I am looking for from mumsnet is for you to show me how it can be done - to show a man how to take financial responsibilty for his own life.