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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask friend to help keep Santa "alive"

27 replies

burntfishfingers · 06/12/2012 13:58

DD is 3 and has a lovely friend also 3, they play together a lot. Parents are nice, we all get on. However the mother of the other little girl has told her there is no santa ( also no baby Jesus, nativity etc all lies) and reckons that her DD will just keep quiet and not tell other kids. She doesn't want to "lie" to her child. Knowing this other little girl i know that there's NO WAY she's not going to blab ( she's just 3!). Plus they're going to same primary school so this will come up time and time again. Now I'd quite like my DD to have the magic and tradition of santa, at least for a few years, and I don't get the not "lying" thing, I just think its another make believe thing, like disney films etc.
My DH thinks that we should say something to the mother - get her to retract i suppose - I think theres no point. Opinions? And any advice of what to say to my DD too would be helpful!

OP posts:
KD0706 · 06/12/2012 14:05

I doubt she will 'retract' what she's said to her DD.
Not sure there's much point speaking to the other mum.

I don't get the whole not lying about Santa thing either.

Think there was a thread on this recently so might be some tips in there... Maybe if the little girl does spill the beans, just tell your DD that Santa doesn't visit the other girl but does visit your house?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2012 14:07

You sound a bit like the Spanish Inquisition, "say you believe, even if you don't". Why can't you go for the standard, "some people believe this, some that". I think it is frankly bizarre that your DH thinks you could or should change what someone else has chosen to tell their DD.

Pipsytwos · 06/12/2012 14:07

I doubt there's any point, seeming she's already told her daughter and has strong feeling of what she did was right. Sounds a real shame though on her daughter and on yours. I'd be very upset if at that age they lost part of the magic of Father Christmas. Hopefully it won't get said to your daughter or if it is she wont believe it. Little ones can be quite stubborn in their beliefs, let her watch some nice Christmas films and just do everything you would normally do at Christmas.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 14:08

Tell you dd Santa is alive if you must but you can't control what other people tell their kids or what they say.

If you think Santa is another make believe thing like Disney films, why does it matter ? You don't go around telling your dd Disney is real, do you?

sixlostmonkeys · 06/12/2012 14:08

Even if the other girl tells your dd she probably won't believe her. If your dd asks if it's true, just say well I believe, do you? She will probably say yes and then you can proceed to leave the carrots and mince pies out etc.

whistlestopcafe · 06/12/2012 14:08

Just tell your dd that her friend is wrong if she spills the beans. At 3 your dd will accept your explanation.

Ds1 is 8 and he still believes, I am sure that some of his friends must have said it's all make believe but he wants to believe so he still does.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 14:11

Just tell your dd that her friend is wrong if she spills the beans. At 3 your dd will accept your explanation

Or you could just say some people believe Santa is real and others don't.

Original poster
burntfishfingers · 06/12/2012 14:11

thanks, will stand my ground with DH. i think its a shame but their choice. dont understand why someone would take that little bit of xmas magic away esp. if they dont do religion and good luck to them if they going to go through life never telling their kids white lies!

OP posts:
farewellfigure · 06/12/2012 14:15

Same thing happened to us last year. The other child was absolutely terrified of Santa, so the mum told her it was all made up and he's just a man in a suit. I was in tears at the thought of the 'magic' being lost age 3, before it had even started really. Luckily the other child didn't say anything to ds, and this year it seems to have been forgotten as the child has lost the 'fear' and really quite enjoyed receiving lots of presents from Santa! I know everyone can bring up their child how ever they want, but it's not really a lie is it? It's a little bit of magical bending of the truth. I agree with you that there is no point in saying anything to the other mother though. I feel for you! I hope your dd still believes.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 14:18

It has nothing to do with telling their kids white lies, which I do all the time! FC is not real, it seems as bizarre a thing to me as it would to you if I insisted the sky was green. It's a nice tradition and a nice story about someone who was very charitable a long time ago.

Our Christmasses are magical and not about who brings the presents, so don't feel sorry them or anyone else who doesn't go in for the whole FC thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2012 14:18

dont understand why someone would take that little bit of xmas magic away esp. if they dont do religion That might be one of the reasons why they don't do Santa. Because they are keen that their DD values science and rationality over 'magic' and superstition.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 14:19

You were in tears at thought of magic being lost? Good grief!

Original poster
burntfishfingers · 06/12/2012 14:27

We are not religious BTW, well aware that Xmas is really a pagan winter festival used by christianity to get the natives on side :)

OP posts:
TheElfOnThePanopticon · 06/12/2012 14:32

I really don't understand people who say that telling their children that Father Christmas is a myth us the same as denyi.g all fairy tales/disney/fiction etc? Do you also tell your children that the television is a portal to a teeny tiny world where Peppa Pig lives, but time is different there which is why sometimes the same things happen over and over again? And that there really is a wood with a child-eating witch in it?

Original poster
burntfishfingers · 06/12/2012 14:38

Elf - yes all of that. Obviously.

OP posts:
silvercup · 06/12/2012 14:55

I don't really get the whole FC-is-lying thing tbh.

If another child told mine that FC wasn't real, and my child questioned it with me, I'd be tempted to tell them that FC doesn't visit the other child because they're a little brat naughty.
Only problem with that is I don't want to use FC as a bargaining tool for good behaviour - don't want to include the naughty/nice thing at all.

Hope it doesn't get ruined for your DD OP.

GrrrArghZzzzYaayforall8nights · 06/12/2012 15:08

Your friend is likely well aware of the issue. Most who don't do Father Christmas tell their kids that it's a fun game/story for many, it's fun to pretend, and that's it's mean/rude/boring to go around ruining other people's fun and their holiday traditions.

We don't do Christmas at all, so my kids obviously don't have Father Christmas. (My DS1 didn't even know what he was until he was 6 and wanted to know what a costume in a store was about - he still calls it the Christmas costume).

None of my kids have ever "ruined anyone's magic", it's honestly never come up, just like them going on about wizards, hobbits, and lightsabers has never been dampered by anyone going on about them not being real. We just treat it as other people's fun like that as do most other people like us.

socharlotte · 06/12/2012 15:10

'I'd be tempted to tell them that FC doesn't visit the other child because they're a little brat naughty.'
^^
DON'T do that. That would be nasty. vindictive and bullying

ethelb · 06/12/2012 15:13

How can a three year old even grasp the idea that something other people beleive isn't real? Surely the daughter will have forgotten the discussion in a few hours?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2012 15:15

socharlotte thanks for putting that so eloquently.

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 15:23

You are doing many 3 year olds a disservice if you don't think they are intelligent enough to grasp that other people have different beliefs but yes I agree most kids won't get into a flap about it but parents on the other hand seem to.

ethelb · 06/12/2012 15:29

alright fair enough. i just couldn't see any three-year-olds I know caring neough about that conversation to remember it two mins later

valiumredhead · 06/12/2012 15:55

Yeah, quite ethel parents care far more about this nonsense that kids do Grin

stickingattwo · 06/12/2012 15:55

wow, some of you know much more mature, kind and emotionally mature 3 year olds than i know! i am pretty sure that my 3 year old would get the concept and then blab because she forgot the secret part, got annoyed at her friends going on and on about something she wasn't a part of, or because she thought they were stupid for believing in such rubbish. another friend is having enough trouble getting her 8 year old not to tell and ruin it for his younger siblings.
still this has opned my eyes to how many people don't seem to do santa, 1st time i have experienced this in the UK so now i don't think Dc friends mum is being so weird ( despite having no cultural reasons to not do santa). for her it really does come down to the i won't lie to my child.