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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very angry with dd's club leader?

18 replies

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 10:41

Yesterday evening dd (9) went to an evening activity she's been to for a few weeks now. About halfway through she asked the group leader if she could go out because she wasn't feeling well, and she came racing out into the next door sitting area where I was sitting waiting (group is only an hour so I don't bother going home but many parents do). Not to drip feed but to cut a long story short, she collapsed, paramedics were called and she had to go to hospital to be checked out. The group leader wasn't told what was happening and didn't come out at any time to check where dd was or how she was. After about 30 mins I went into the group to get dd's coat but only dashed in, wanting to get back to dd and the group leader just asked if she was ok to which I mumbled something about her not being very well.

The group leader still didn't come out after that and we were there well after the club ended because the paramedics did a lot of tests there before moving dd. I saw her leaving at one point and she definitely saw us still there, not sure if she saw the paramedics, but only looked in our direction and then left anyway.

Am fuming though, parents aren't required to stay during the time the group's on and most don't - dd was very unwell and had a very dramatic collapse, which I'm sure the staff at the centre the group was in would have dealt with but they have nothing to do with the group (it's a hired space), so for all the group leader knew dd could have collapsed in the toilet, run off somewhere, anything and she obviously wouldn't have checked until at least half an hour later. DD would have had no-one there who knew who she was and I probably wouldn't have been informed until I got there to collect her.

The group leader was in loco parentis and did sod all as far as I can see, am fuming and worried about what would have happened if I hadn't been there or dd had tried to go to the toilet (opposite direction) instead of coming to me. Group leader has helpers too so not as though she couldn't leave the other kids for a minute. AIBU? Not sure what to say to her, would be very tempted to pull dd out of the group if she didn't love it so much.

OP posts:

chrismissymoomoomee · 06/12/2012 10:49

How is your DD now?

I think you are being a bit UR as you are projecting a whole lot of 'what if' scenarios. The club leader could have noticed you were there before or DD could have told her she was going to see you or she might have stuck her head out of the door and noticed DD was with you.

I think its quite normal in scary situations you have no control over to want to be angry with someone or something, or to have someone to blame.

AnyaKnowIt · 06/12/2012 10:52

Hope your dd is ok now

But what did you expect the leader to do? You her parent was there.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/12/2012 10:52

How scary for you, how is she now?

However, you said that the club leader wasn't told what was happening so how could she have come out to check?

GreatBallsofFluff · 06/12/2012 10:52

Your poor dd. Is she alright now?

Are you sure the group leader didn't ask your dd if you were outside before letting her go out?

Still the lack of concern on her part when she left and saw you I'm a bit about.

langho · 06/12/2012 10:54

You are over reacting.
You were there.

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 10:54

She's ok now thanks besides tired and bit shaken up but got to go back for further tests soon.

She might have seen earlier, but the sitting area is like a little cafe area, adjacent to the room the group was in so not visible unless you go to the door, it wasn't like I was waiting outside the group room IYSWIM. Leader might have noticed me staying earlier but I could have nipped out whenever I liked and she couldn't have seen. I know I could be wrong but I'm very sure she didn't know I was there.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 10:55

Sorry, that was to chris - x-posted with the other replies

OP posts:

DeWe · 06/12/2012 10:57

If you usually stay then the leader would know that you were there. I assume that your dd asking to go out was granted because the leader knew that you were there and would take over. She may have even asked if you were there.

If you said she was "not very well" (particularly as you were getting a coat) I'd assume you were taking her home, in which case there would be no point going to check on her. She did ask if she was okay, which sounds reasonable in the circumstances. If you'd said "she's just collapsed, an ambulance is on it's way" she would have reacted very differently I'm sure. You can't react to what you don't know.

If I was leading a group and that happened and the parent was on hand to deal with it, my first port of call would have been the other children, going over would have drawn their attention. She could ahve sent one of the helpers to check, but I suspect she thought you'd gone home.

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 11:00

Anya - I didn't have to be there at all and am pretty sure the leader had no idea whether I was or not, so I expected her to look after dd and go to check on her until she realised I WAS there which I don't think she did until 30 mins later.

Betty - shouldn't she have come out to see where dd had gone and check she was ok?

GreatBalls - it's a possibility but dd was very disorientated when she came out so I'm not sure she would have explained I was there but yes, it is possible - will have to check with group leader what she was told then instead of going in guns blazing. Definite lack of concern after though, I actually caught her eye and she just looked then walked off which I didn't think was very caring but at least then she knew I was with dd.

OP posts:

langho · 06/12/2012 11:04

Look you have had a shock about your DD but your post is full of what if's.
Calm down.
Like you said she saw you. She asked if your daughter was ok and you mumbled that she's not so well. I would take that to mean she is feeling a bit off not collapsed.

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 11:05

DeWe - because the sitting area is out of sight of the group area I have no idea if group leader knows I stay or not, she just sees me drop off and then wait outside the group room to pick up. Granted if dd had told her I was there I can see she'd have assumed I was dealing with it but still seems risky, I could have nipped out or dd could have been wrong. I didn't expect her to do anything after I got dd's coat as I was obviously there and dealing with it then, but it's the 30 mins before that which scared/angered me - dd was very unwell all that time and she didn't come out even just to double check dd had got to me.

OP posts:

ohfunnyface · 06/12/2012 11:08

You have no idea what she did or didn't know- or what she sent others to check for her. With all the commotion, you may have missed something.

Focus on your daughter- she's what matters.

After a week, if you still feel the same, put something in writing about children being escorted to the toilet/outside the room.

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 11:09

langho, sorry, I DO need to calm down, am still quite shaken by it. The 'what ifs' though are about the half hour before the group leader saw me and could have thought dd was just a bit queasy. As far as I can see for that time she only knew dd was off somewhere not feeling well, which I'd still object to even if dd was just in the loo messing about, but the fact she wasn't makes it even worse IMO.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhiskeyCharlie · 06/12/2012 11:16

Ok, looks like the general vote is IABU, thanks for the replies - am very surprised but will try and calm down about it, still going to have a word with the group leader but will try not to overreact.

OP posts:

Themumsnotroastingonanopenfire · 06/12/2012 11:16

You need to step back a bit. I think that you are feeling shocked and frightened after your DD's collapse and are unreasonably projecting your feelings onto the club leader. The leader didn't do anything wrong as far as I can see. She probably did know you were there, I don't think that your grounds for assuming she didn't are particularly strong. If you want to discuss it with her, I suggest that you wait until you have calmed down a bit and then bring it up in the context of making sure she knows what to do if it happens again.
Hope your DD is feeling better now.

crunchbag · 06/12/2012 11:26

To me it reads that the club leader was aware of you being there. It is very likely that your dd was asked if someone needed to go with her and that she said that wasn't necessary as you were there.

If dd had asked to go to the toilet and wasn't back after a while, I am sure someone would have checked if she was alright, it's a different scenario.

socharlotte · 06/12/2012 13:16

The group leader presumably knew you were there , so she wasn't in loco parentis.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 06/12/2012 13:20

I should think that the teacher did know you were there, because your daughter told her that you were.

Your daughter presumably knows that you wait? So probably said her mum was outside, so the teacher allowed it and told her to come back in if her mum wasn't there.

Otherwise, your DD shouldn't have been allowed out. The teacher was in loco parentis for the rest of the class too, and couldn't leave them to come and see if your daughter was okay.

I'm glad she is, by the way. It's very normal that you are concerned about what have happened if you hadn't been there, but you were, and your DD went to you. If she hadn't, she'd probably have stayed inside.

Still, if you are worried, use this to carefully ask about first aid practises.

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