My aggressive father and his awful partner-have to see them soon-how to handle?

[Ohthejoy]

Hi all!
Sorry in advance is this is too full on or long!
My mother divorced my father over a decade ago.She's moved on with new DH doing okay for herself and seems happy.
My father has always been a very angry person and at times very violent to me.
He has been with his partner for several years.She had 3 children by the age of 18.She's never worked in her life.
Her children have had asbos,been in trouble for violence,one sprayed hair spray right in front of me and tried to set me on fire to ther amusement of him and his disgusting family.(When telling my father this he said I must have wound him up and it was me that was the trouble maker).
My mother and father chose their new partners and I had only my nan to turn to but she gave me 3 to 4 weeks to stay and then I moved to London(years of misery to follow but that would take all day!)
Years later have a husband,2 ds's ans a home.
My dad is my dad.I've realised he's not going to change.I have to accept him the way he is or have nothing to do with him.
The thing is he puts up with his girlfriend who admitted she pretends to be too sick to work and get sickness benefits and her grown up son pretends to be her her 'carer' and get benefits for that(even though he doesn't lived there anymore).Her other children have fathered babies that they don't support(they don't work either).
When she comes to stay me and DH have to literally bite our tongues.
She tells us with pride how her ds2 is trying to get his gf pregant with their second baby and then 'the council will have to move them to a bigger place'.
Her sister who is her best friend ran away from her children and they were nearly put into care.She has since returned.She is another who lives on benefits and has: dd1 aged 18-she has 2 babies lives in a small flat and on income support.Her dd2 is just 15 and her 1st baby is due on Christmas day.
I could go on and on about my dads girlfriend and her family.
The thing is when he brings her when he visits she couldn't make it more clear that she doesn't want to be here.She doesn't smile,she doesn't say thankyou.
She sits in our garden chain smoking and texting her family the entire time.
I was taking about my good friend who is of west indian descent and she said this to me 'My neice has just had a baby with a black man and I had to hold the baby and it made me feel sick' (I will not continue to say the exact words she said
I had a big Christening for ds1 and had to get rsvps back to know how many people would be coming as the caterer needed to know.My dads girlfriend said she was coming.On the day-nowhere to be seen.Didn't turn up.No explanation no apology nothing.
My son also had a year to prepare for a production he was in.I bought the tickets(£16 each)for him and her.They had over 10 months notice.On the evening she was no where to be seen!They'd had an argument(convinced was pre meditated so she didn't have to come) and her lovely son interevened and bit a chunk of flesh from my fathers hand.
Even writing this now makes my blood boil her family are all absolutely disgusting and it also drives my dh up the wall as he hardly sees our dc as he works all the hours and I work part time just to keep going.DH can't stand that evey time he sees this woman she happily announces another teen in the family is pregnant or how 'the council is disgusting as won't move so and so to a bigger place etc'.
Anyway me and DH both think that when my dad visits just on his own it's not the most pleasant always but we sometimes have a laugh and a chat and he seems more relaxed.
The question is how do I tell my father 'come on your own but please leave her behind'?
He wants to play 'happy familys' and pretend everythings ok.
For Christmas this year I've booked a hotel for them but dreading it.
The only time I've brought it up was when she didn't turn up to my sons play and she put on facebook(how I love fb)that she's been out with her family etc.
I flipped telling my dad how dare she and how rude she always is etc and he shouted 'you leave her alone now you!dont mention her!'.

Anyway before I end I just want to say this is not a 'benefit bashing' thread.
Seondly thank you so much for reading this and lastly if any of you have any words of wisdom they are very appreciated.

Thanks

Just stop this.

Stop inviting them to stuff.
You hate it all and it's not going to change.

You cannot have the Walton's happy family with this lot. So put a big distance between your little family unit and the ranting rabble. Don't be scared of them. You don't give them an explanation you just stop it.

If you stop seeing him you won't need to worry about him exploding. He can go explode on his own and live his own miserable existence.
I think you need to prioritise yourself and your DC. Your DM managed to move on, I think you need to give yourself that fresh start too!

Why are you still associating with these people? Just because he's your Dad doesn't mean you have to still see him. It's liberating when you realise that you can just walk away and have no further contact with the people who hurt you.

I don't understand why you have anything to do with the rotting GF or your Dad tbh. Cut them BOTH out.

My philosophy is always you only get one mum and dad, u might not get on but one day they won't be here and as long as hand on heart you know you did what you could then that's all you can do.
but when they start letting your kids down its different, if it was just her stinky racist attitude I'd say bite your lip, but the fact she has let them down numerous times. Draw a line with her, tell your dad you can't upset your kids again its not fair for them (or you) to be let down.

My dad is my dad.I've realised he's not going to change.I have to accept him the way he is or have nothing to do with him.

You have your answer right there. Have nothing more to do with him or his horrible family. He has been violent towards you and allows this dreadful brood to treat you badly.

Just tell him you want nothing more to do with him. Don't get involved in long discussions or justifications. Just tell him that you have decided your life will be better and happier without you in it so please don't try to get in touch again.

I agree wtih 5foot5 and others.

You do NOT have to see him or her.

Your life will be far happier if you cut them out.

I hate all this blood is thicker than water crap - that's fine if you have a lovely family. Those of us with toxic parents that cause us pain and distress know otherwise.

If these people were not your family would you even countenance letting them anywhere near you or yours? Of course not.

Move on, get therapy if necessary and tell yourself it is not your fault you were conceived by such a dreadful man.

I would send a message saying sorry, change of plan we have decided to spend Christmas alone this year with our children.

Then just don't mention the christening, perhaps if you want your dad's mum to go you could send her an invitation of her own.

If he starts to kick off...well, then, that's actually the opportunity to say - can I stop you there? This isn't working out and I need to concentrate on my children and family etc. so let's just leave things for now. I hope you and gf have a lovely Christmas.

Then just don't answer the phone to him again.

And, just looking at your thread title - you do not HAVE to see them. You are choosing to see them.

You don't need to have your Dad in your life.

You do'nt need any of these people in your life, it doesn't matter what they say about you.

Tell then you've made other plans for Christmas. Don't arrange any further visits or stays. If your dad asks why say you don't get on with her. He will take her side but you know this anyway, so you don't need to get into any deep conversations with him. Leave it at that.

He knows where you are if you make it clear he's welcome to visit on his own.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I have a toxic father and wicked step mother. If they didn't have a daughter together me and my DSIS wouldn't be involved at all in their lives. We have been lied to, cut out, abused (eastenders really has nothing on them) and generally treated like crap. We have just stepped back and out, have minimal contact and maintain a civil relationship as he is our dad. I understand how difficult it is to cut them out. What we have tried to achieve is an emotional detachment. We certainly don't pay for anything for them. If they want to come to visit or come to events, they have to pay for themselves - it usually puts them off. We have never taken our children to their house (it is a health hazard - I've seen cleaner on the life of grime - and no I'm not over egging that) or actually been invited to bring them.

There is no point, however tempting, to point out where they've let you down as they won't see it. They won't see that they've done anything wrong. All that will happen is that you'll get frustrated and feel like the unreasonable one (even though logic will tell you otherwise). People like that won't see their behaviour as unreasonable or that it will hurt.

One thing that me and DSIS have always held on to is that only of dad will miss the relationship with the children - the children won't notice its absence as its never been there. He will know what he's missing. Only he will lose out from his behaviour.

If you send that message in the invitation, chances are she'll turn up and ruin the event. She won't be sorry for what she's done in the past.

I wouldn't invite either of them. If your father asks, then you tell him.

Thankyou everyone.You speak alot of sense.It's now my job to take your advice on board once and for all.

Pilgit-thankyou for sharing that with me and sorry you have a similar dad and step mother.I understand how you say you you know how difficult it is to just completely cut him out of my life(that's me to a tee) and so you have minimal contact.Also you've hit the nail on the head with the fact 'that he/they will never see that they are in the wrong' he never ever will.
I'd love him to feel shame and guilt for everything he's done and apologise.

I've come from a family where EVERYTHING is brushed under the carpet.
Every sunday as a child was spent round my nans and my nan and dad would have awful screaming fights.SO much anger.
Also my uncle lives with my nan(my dads mother)and he would regularly threaten to KILL us with an axe or tell me and my little brother that he was going to cut out our eyes with a knife.If it wasn't that our Uncle would turn on the gas,smash the furniture up,talking to himself cackling away all the while my dad ignored these carry ons and carried on talking/shouting at my nan.
If I'd ask my dad why my uncle did such scary or awful things he'd snap 'shut up and don't ask questions'.
It was only in the last year or so I've found out my uncle has schizophrenia!And to think he used to baby sit me and my little brother
I wonder if my dad has something wrong with him?There's so much venom in him so much anger and nastiness.

Writing this makes me know he should NOT be a part of our lives.
My dream is for him just not to bother anymore.
Will print this thread though and go back to the advice.

Thanks again and have a good evening

I wonder what if you would find the stately homes thread helpful (in relationships). My advice would be to minimise drama as much as possible as it only feeds the problem. Good luck, and I hope you have a good Christmas.

Just cut them out and don't contact them or reply at all to anything.

Without anything else just one sprayed hair spray right in front of me and tried to set me on fire to ther amusement of him and his disgusting family.(When telling my father this he said I must have wound him up and it was me that was the trouble maker). is enough.

What if you were holding one of your precious babies? What if they decide to do this again at the christening when you are holding your precious baby and she catches on fire?

These people bring nothing to your life. They will bring nothing to your children's lives. Your children may think they have to continue seeing them because you did even if they really don't waat to.

Thankyou Xales-great advice.

building-have been look at the the Stately homes thread and just wished I'd found it sooner!
Thought I'd post on AIBU as I was having a rant and feeling sick that they were coming and realise that it isn't a one off little problem to let off steam on AIBU but a whole bigger issue.Anyhow appreciate the responses from everyone and the the kind words so thankyou again and have a great weekend