To try 1-2-3 Magic on my parents?

[3b1g]

The 1-2-3 Magic system works really well on my children, in teaching them to respect boundaries and in warning them when their behaviour is out of line. AIBU in wishing I could try it on my parents? For those think this sounds disrespectful towards my parents, I'll try to provide some context. They looked after me until I was seven, but not especially well (alcoholism, mental illness, personality disorder). The relationship with me is repaired enough that they have been able to develop a good relationship with their grandchildren, but they continue to test the boundaries almost weekly, and cause me and DH a considerable amount of stress and anxiety. If it weren't for my children benefitting from a relationship with their grandparents, I think I would have cut contact by now. The fact that I am still awake at nearly 3am posting this should give you some idea of how it affects me. I have had years of psychotherapy and counselling and have healed as much as it's possible to do while they are still in my life.

3b1g well done. That was a perfect answer.
You are right, they aren't asking. But they are putting you in a situation where most people would feel difficult to say 'No'. In effect making you feel guilty for not doing something you had never said you would be doing in the first place.

Just to reassure you, no one would (should) be upset if you can't say yes to 'Oh I am coming up tonight for a meal with you at your house'.
No one would (should) be upset at not accepting to get uninvited guests that they don't know for a few days in their house (even if you had a really big house and many spare rooms).
Don't forget that the fact you are saying 'No' isn't unreasonable and that you are totally within your rights to do so.

3b1g- in your example, just say 'no, I'm sorry, that's not convenient for us' and then repeat like a broken record. If they insist, say 'can I have XYZ's number and I'll call them and explain it is not convenient'. You do not have to have people to stay in your house at all ever if you do not want to.

I find it helps to have one phrase to remember and then repeat it, saves getting into a long discussion or having to explain yourself.

My husband also doesn't mind if I blame him, so I say 'my husband says he doesn't want anyone staying with him at present' and he's also prepared to ring them up and state this, perhaps your husband could be the firm one with your parents (I help deal with his parents, it's a swap!)

How about "no sorry, that won't work for me" repeat ad infinitum

"No, you already asked DH and he said no, so the answer's no"

Out of interest OP my sister did EXACTLY what you proposed ie. withdrawing every time our parents took the piss (both of them are narcs) it worked to the extent that you can train a dog eg. They worked out what she was doing so toed the line. However they think its because she is "stroppy" it hadn't occurred to them that it's their own bad behaviour that made her do it

To carry on what Robot has said, I think there's more power in saying 'we have decided...' as a couple, it's much harder for parents to argue against your spouse and your joint decision, than for them to exert pressure on you as their child who was always obedient. Join forces, say 'as a family, we have decided XYZ' and then go through with it.

See- I have had lots of practice!

Does operant conditioning work on the over 65s though? The saying 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' must have some basis.

The 1-2-3 Magic suggestion was (mostly) light-hearted. I have learned that it is very difficult to try to change someone else's behaviour, and much easier to change your own response to their behaviour. For now, I'm going to practise saying 'no'.

The aim isn't to get them to realise they are doing the wrong thing, they won't, they may even think you are a bit nasty and being horrid to them, who cares? The point is for you and your family to live the way you choose and minimise the fall-out from their bad behaviour, so they have to behave nicely and respectfully if they want to be part of your family.

The conversation goes like this:
"Oh, by the way, so-and-so's wife/cousin plus their children need somewhere to stay in your area for the last weekend in March, so I thought they could stay with you. There are only five of them and they're happy to sleep on airbeds/sofas. They're very nice and it would be good for you to meet them."

Everyone is right, you do just need to say no.

If they persist you say

"This isn't a conversation. I said no".
"Are you suggesting I don't have a choice?" (if they try the emotional blackmail)
"The answer is no".

Just repeat it. That's what works with children. Stay calm, keep it simple, don't engage in a dialogue about it. Then they've got nowhere to go.

it is very difficult to try to change someone else's behaviour, and much easier to change your own response to their behaviour

Yes!

Just remember:

"you must be the change you wish to see in the world"
and
"if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

You can't change them, all you can change is how you respond to them.

Mumsyblouse you're spot on - I also "defer" to my husband when I need to - remember they don't have the same feelings of dread as us because they're not conditioned. I might say "oh I need to ask DH first as he likes to keep our weekends free" and then get DH to ring and say no - each time will be a little easier

Thank you all, you've been helpful and lovely. I will try the 'just say no' approach and repeat as necessary.

Yes it does work - my parents are 69