Smuggle a beach ball?

[Spenguin]

I'm about to come on my period. I have underboob and bum crease sweat when sitting down.

I've gained about 2-3kgs.

I feel horrendous.

Please, in as much over-share as you can muster, tell me what happens to you in the run up to your monthly pain in the padded arse?

I feel as disgusting as a fruit shoot, Gregg's sausage roll and Liz Jones orgy.

Stinky pits.

Its horrible. No matter how much Mitchum roll on I use, I stink within an hour in the few days before. The bloated belly and feeling like I have flu is fairly standard I think, although both have got worse since my periods started buggering about in the run up to menopause (I am 39 but we all hit the M word before 45 in my family).

I smell, and I hate it.

I have a whole other wardrobe, a size larger than normal, just for the visitation of Aunt FML Flo.

I turn into the most bitchy, short tempered harridan ever. I have sweaty everywhere and snap and shout and am generally a total cow for several days :(
I do recognise it now, and try my hardest to keep it under control, and I do my best not to shout at the DCs or DH, who luckily and thankfully seem to put up with me.
I cannot wait until I go through menopause and calm down! My periods are so damn heavy it's unreal, and I am 42, so hopefully it won't be too much longer until it's all over and done with...

I know, I know, too much information...

My fanjo smells slightly like garlic for a few days before Af

My DP says he can always tell by my different smell a day or two before AF.

He uses that as a signal to take the opportunity before it's too late ;)

My coordination goes to pot. I could walk down the middle if a corridor and hit the wall. I'm a magnet for doors, cupboards, handles and probably not safe to drive.

I weep, sob, vomit and rage. My boobs grow about two cup sizes and I feel exhausted and dizzy.

Every month without fail I think I could be pregnant and every bastarding month its PMT tricking me.

I want to kill everyfuckingbody.

And I get really tired. But mainly the murderous thoughts.

My farts are beyond noxious. I nearly killed my friend when I dropped one in the car She was driving with her head out the window gasping.

YY to farting and complete lack of coordination. Can't park for toffee for a couple of days. Ridiculously prone to irrational emotional outbursts. Real catch me!

DH says I smell 'ferous' and the dog goes bananas. Before I bleed he wants to sleep on my stomach/top of thighs and will be very curiously sniffing around my lady garden he often then wants to hump