AIBU about my MIL? Please help!

[Nicole2781]

Hi I'm new to MN, I'd just like to know if people think I'm being unreasonable to feel upset/angry.

It's a bit of a long story so I'm sorry in advance.

I have a 2 mo son who is currently living with me and my fiancé and my parents house until we can move into our first home in jan.

While I was pregnant, my MIL said we could live with her and wouldn't charge us board so we could save up for our wedding which was a very kind offer which of course we accepted. I have never really felt comfortable in her house as its basically a show home and she's very strict and picky about things like cleaning etc and I come from a home where cleaning is not #1 priority every single day not to say I'm a messy person I always kept it tidy and clean, washed and ironed for them while I was on maternity leave.
So obviously we accepted her offer and I had only been living there 3 wks and was 4 days from my due date when she made a big deal with the fact I had asked my mum to come and help me wash my sons clothes and put them away in his nursery as she hadn't seen any of his clothes or seen his beautiful nursery that MIL kindly paid for and decorated. So I tell my MIL I had asked my mum if she could come help me sort his clothes out and she appeared to be ok about it. Later on that day my fiancé came home and said MIL had rang him in tears because she wanted me to sort the clothes with her (even though she'd suggested I do it the Monday while she was at work) anyways, she was really upset , told dp that she felt like a stranger in her own home and didn't want other people coming into her house. My mum is not just any person and she would not have trashed the place or anything. I was always told by her that I need to act as it was my own home etc so I really didn't think it would be such a huge deal. So I got upset and my parter and I moved into my mum and dads the next day. She didn't even speak to me she just completely blanked me. I thought it was such a horrible thing to do after saying I was to make myself at home she acted like that over a stupid thing. I would never have agreed to move into her home if I had known that nobody would have been able to visit me while mil + fil were at work and I would have been all on my own being a new first time mother.

So after son is born mil is acting like I'm a hero and being so nice and I'm being nice also even though I still hugely upset over the whole thing and how much stress it caused.

Now apparently she thinks my sons clothes smells of smoke... My parents do smoke BUT they smoke outside of the house obviously. She is so anti-smoking which is fine but my son actually doesn't smell of smoke. When I pack his bag to go to her house she doesn't put any of the clothes I plan out for him on, she puts brand new things on him, has her own blankets for him and even got her 17year old pram down from the loft to take my son out in. She has bought everything brand new for him like a bouncy chair, towels, bath everything! And keeps it in her house. I find this so annoying and I feel like she's acting like my son is her son. Obviously I understand she's excited to become a grandparent but it's too much. Every time I get pissed off it causes arguments between me and dp as he doesn't like me complaining about his mother. Also she has never expressed any of the problems she has to me she's always texting or ringing dp and upsetting him saying she wishes he and my son could go and live with her, she's not happy with them both living at my house etc... And my dp won't tell any of this to me I found out by reading his text messages as he wouldn't tell me why he was in such a bad mood. (I know it's wrong to do that but I knew something was up)
Am I being unreasonable? It's getting too much. She is known for being a bitch anyway, she thinks she is better than everyone else and looks down her nose at people which is awful to watch.
It's getting quite bad now I'm so unhappy and find everything she says or does gets me angry and my dp and I argue a lot about her. He doesn't see it from my point but I know it upsets him me getting upset and I really wish she would just keep her opinions to herself. It's hard enough being a new parent with a wedding and new house in the next few months.

I even sent her a message just before ds was born saying I don't know why she's upset with me and asking why she wanted us to move in so badly but not letting me know about her rules about visitors like did she seriously expect me to sit at home alone with nobody to help me if I felt I needed it?

She didn't even reply! And a week or so ago I complained to dp that she had just completely blanked my message and so he told her to reply to get it sorted and she said she had nothing to be sorry about she hasn't done anything wrong and she wasn't going to appologize for being her.
But she txt me saying she's fed up of the atmosphere between us and to accept that we are all different people with different opinions and put it in the past which I replied that I was still upset but I was willing to put it behind me and start fresh for ds and dp's sake. (Even though I still despise her) and try not to go to her house if I don't have to cause everything she says pisses me off.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like shit about it all still?
Am I in the wrong?
I know this all looks so petty but I'd really like an outsiders point of view and I'm sorry for babbling on

I've just said to dp that I'm not very comfortable with ds staying overnight at mils and got the reaction of...'I need that one night off a week I don't see what your problem is, i know my mum and dad will look after him better than anyone else bla bla bla'

You say - "I'm telling you what the problem is, I miss my baby too much to be away from her one night every week". Tell him if he needs a night off HE can stay with his mum one night a week, but that YOU want your baby with you. Put your foot down on this one. Say you feel very strongly about this, and that it's very normal for a mum to want to be with her baby.

You don't need to row - just go on "repeat"! Say very sweetly, "no I feel really strongly, I want my baby with me. But of course YOU can stay with your mum if you need a break." Tell him you've made your mind up!

Yep, agree with DavidTennant and Magic. He can stay with his Mum one night a week if he is in need of a break.

I think he sounds like a Mummys boy who is more worried what her reaction will be and thinks he can get around you easier.

You must stop the overnights, tell him it is not happening and you are happy for his parents to see your DS any other time.

Magic that's exactly what I would say

What a great reply! You can stay with your mum and the baby can stay with me! Do it OP! Good Luck. You are the mother; you hold all the cards.

The posters who are saying you are overreacting are wrong. If you feel these things then they are legitimate feelings. These feelings don't just come out of nowhere.

Once you move will you be able to drop the overnight visits? I'm hoping that you will be so far away it won't happen anymore.

Hopefully once you stop the visits it will you the confidence to stand up to her a bit more.

unfortunalty look like op went a while ago - whilst she was being told off for being OTT -I really hope she comes back to see the brilliant soloution to her DP getting a break!

Hello I am here

Thank you all for posting, even the ones telling me off its helped me a lot so thank you.

Well I txt mil asking us to meet up face to face and say to each other what we think etc but she replied saying she didn't want to as she was afraid she would say something she would regret and couldn't take back. She just said she worries about ds and doesn't like the circumstances of him living with my parents etc and that she can't say anything without it being misunderstood.

I replied saying everything I felt how she makes me feel like I'm doing a crap job with ds and that I don't want her opinions on things she thinks is best for him as we are his parents and we are doing our best for him. I sort of went on a bit as usual and I think it was a little upsetting for her to read but I do feel better for getting it all off my chest and she knows how I feel.
We took ds to her house yesterday just after I'd sent the message and she was clearly upset with me but didn't say anything. Was a bit awkward and she didn't seem interested in saying anything to me and hasn't replied and I don't think she will. I'm not too bothered I'm just glad she knows exactly how I feel and what I think of her. So hopefully she will calm down a bit. I'm not interested in having a close relationship with her anymore I just want us to be civil towards each other.
As for dh about taking a day off... I said why don't you have a night off on Friday next week and stay at your parents house...he said yes and ill take ds with me ... He knows how I feel about ds leaving me for a whole night but he thinks he has a say in it too and I should feel better if ds stays out for the night if he's with dh. So yeah... Not what id hoped for but I really don't want it to turn into yet another argument. Ill see how it goes and not have him go over the weekend after.

Well done for saying something but on the overnight - Oh my god this is bullying of the worst kind. Are you formula feeding? What about routines and all that stuff? What if your MIL gets him up at the slightest hiccup and feeds him cos she likes it so much, and the next night you're up at two and four and you don't know any more when he needs to be fed or just cuddled - seriously big mistake. It's worth the row, I reckon.

Nicole, well done for making a stand- it can't be easy and I would hate to be in your shoes.

It's good you're saying these things now to set the tone for the future.

I think you are being bullied on the overnight thing. I don't know any GPs who would expect their GCs to have sleepovers that young! At 2mo they are still establishing eating and sleeping routines and just need their mum.

I don't know what to suggest expect telling your DF how many mothers on this thread think it's wrong. Keep going on this one. If you give in on this, she'll start bossing you around about something else too.

As Brycie said above, it's worth the row now to make it clear where she stands in the future.

I know you feel alone in real life on this with your husband and MIL ganging up on you but you have all these women in support of you and going through ti with you. Stay strong.

Seriously I would say this - you can't trust her with your baby. How do I know this? Because she doesn't know what's best for your baby. How do I know this? Because she wants to take a 2 month old baby away for a night from an unwilling mother.

Brycie

absoluty right, this is what concerned me in the end about my MIL, happily want to take my two year old - put her in a car with two strangers neither she nor I know - then put her on A PLANE WITH THEM......to take them to MIL who was abroad visitng her DM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lots of things like that - you would think she didnt see DD at that point it was already several times a month for long hours and sometimes over night.

I also thought MIL would relax over things in the house for her GC but not at all....

I really really think you need to get angry about this one nad make it clear your child will not be going with DP for the night at all.

I cant belive he even suggested it. I dont like the tone of it - its like he is "trying" to force you - like he knows what your up too - and he is not going to let you get away with it.

Of course there may be more back story here we dont know about - but even so - as others say - a two month old - away from you when you dont want it? Rather brutal and barbaric I would say.

Its worth the fight now than for the precedence to seep in later then its harder. well done you for getting everything off your chest to her!

I also know what you mean that when your DP has a problem with your own DP you totally understand and know where he is coming from, I am the same with my DF and my DH - your DP however is not aknowledging your feelings etc....and not giving you an outlet.

Its not about you feeling better about DS staying out for the night, you dont want him out for the night, DH wants a break, apparently this is why DS has to be gone for the night, so how is he achieving that by taking him.

If you dont want DS gone, then say no, I know its hard, and you sound quite young, so I imagine its harder still (as opposed to me who is an ahem older mum and less easy to push around!).

This is about DH not wanting to say no to his mum and so taking the path of least resistance.

He is being silly and deep down he knows it.

Your husband is acting like a child - tell him NO your baby won't be staying anywhere overnight without you and tell him to deal with it. He is being a fucking arse and you need to put your foot down! His idiot mother is treating you like shit and expects you to hand over your son?! Don't you realise she will start whispering things in his ear and do her best to turn him against you once he is old enough?
Stand up for yourself and demand respect lady!

I feel really sorry for you. Your dp is going against your wishes currently your mil is shouting the loudest, so he is taking the easy route by upsetting you instead. I know you don't want to row, but I'm afraid unless you stick up for yourself and your son then they will walk all over yourself.

You need to be strong, you have mn behind you.

That was meant to say because your mil is currently shouting the loudest.

From your DH's response I would think it is not so much about him having a day of but more about him pleasing his mother.

I would tell him "thanks, but no thanks, I would actually love to spend some one on one time with DS so you just go without him. Plus I would feel lonely if you were both gone".

Yes I agree, that whole thing about the row. He has to live with you, not his mum, so bend ear more than she does. Or better - don't bend his ear, just put your foot down and keep it down. And better in addition - phone your mother in law and tell her your baby will not be coming to stay overnight. And that is that is that. And if she still tries to achieve it through her son, she is really a very bad person and should be nowhere near yours - it should steel you in your purpose.

it's quite likely that the baby is quite stressed by being away from you for the night, op. i would put my foot down on this one right now. perhaps this has not occurred to your dp, of course, but if it hasn't then he's not really prioritising the baby's needs, is he?

and yes, pick up the phone to the mil and tell her yourself that ds won't be staying over till he's older. this one is not up to your dp.

I really feel for you. Bloody families drive you nuts once you have a baby with all their interfering.

Two months is too young for both of you, not just the baby. Mums are designed to be close to their infants too. He will miss your smell and the scent if you. I also agree with the need for consistency at night, as it will cause problems later on if she does one thing you do another.

He's being a giant git.

Op you know if you left him he would not get the option of doing that until your ds was at least one. Do not let him and her set a routine like that or you will not be able to stop it.

First of all he needs a break from the baby so baby has to go to gp's then you say no but he could so he wants to take the baby. You know damn well this is about his mother wanting your baby without you around

i dont think yabu at all if anything i think you are underestimating the control your mil has already of your ds

she likes to have him over night so she can do things in the day without you she has her own clothes for him.

it sounds like this has been going on for a while, how long has your ds being staying with her over night

i am sorry if this is harsh but what an earth posed you to send a tiny baby away for a night every week. you live with your parent who i presume are hands on with your ds so it cant be because you need a break

i totally agree you should put a stop to it now as it will only escalate. you cant say no now how are you going to say no if bh is away and he suggests your ds goes for a weekend then a week after all she has been looking after him since he was weeks old.

you have had some great advice above. be nice always take the high road (easier said than done i know) and be firm he is your son not hers.

if your dh doesn't like it he can lump it i will choose my dc over dp any day

Put your foot down! Your dh is not listening to you. There is NO NEED for your baby to stay overnight WITHOUT YOU! You don't want this to happen, so it doesn't have to happen. It's obviously not about your dh wanting a break if he wants your baby to go to. You need to say, "no you've misunderstood me. I don't want to be away from ds for the night. YOU can go if you want a break, and I'll take DS with me to visit your mum." Be really strong about this. It's important. Neither your dh or your MIL are taking your feelings into account here, and I think it's important that you stand your ground now, while your DS is so young.
If your DH says he doesn't understand, tell him right back that neither do you, that it seems he wants your DS to be away from you for the night, even though you've told him many times you don't want that to happen. Ask him why he wants that.

if she is slagging you off to dp, he needs to grow balls and stop it. he suggests she sits down like an adult and discusses it or she shuts up.

if you are using her as childcare for sleep, you put up with the clothes issue, if hes going for a visit, you go to and no changing happens.

under no circumstances would i accept "move home" comments, i would suggest to her dp that this will only occur if he is leaving you and baby. and point out to ur mil that this will make him a single parent and is that what she wants?

i wouldnt stay away because their is atmosphere as that is what she wants to drive a wedge, do the mean dil routine.

however the things that occured before the birth, forget them. chalk it up to experience. but remember he his your and dp's son, not anyone elses. your mil must come through you and dp to get there and it will be on your terms.

honestly i would stop using her as a babysitter for a bit, yes its hard but its wats making her think she can do this.