To be so fucking angry and feeling guilty and shit at the same time.

[TboneAndClifford]

Sorry for any vagueness in this thread - I don't want to out myself. I have nc'd.

My dad lives with us and is suffering from an illness that is gradually physically debilitating. He is mentally sound but I think he's losing the plot due to his age and perhaps due to his illness.

Today I came back with dc after doing the grocery shopping and dad was home as usual and helped pack away food. He then decided he wanted to empty the recycling box. I always have to remind him to leave the bins as its DH's job but he likes to keep busy. Long story short, he came back from doing the bins and I was busy making him food in the kitchen.

I realised I couldn't hear my DS (11 months) in the living room. So called dc1 and asked if he was with her upstairs. She was in the loo and called back no. I went upstairs and he wasn't there. Came back down frantically and he wasn't anywhere downstairs. I could hear a muffled cry but he wasn't anywhere. Suddenly I realised the sound was coming from the front garden. I unlocked the door and my poor baby was sitting outside on the ice in the dark crying. He'd been there a good 5-10 mins.

He obviously followed dad out but how the fuck he didn't realise and fucking LOCKED the door behind him is beyond me. I screamed oh my god and picked him up and just shouted at dad. His whole body was cold and his lips were blue. And I just ran up to my bedroom and warmed him up. I wanted to cry. He could have crawled onto the road and got hurt. We might have left him for longer and he could have frozen. I just have all these horrible thoughts in my head.

I feel guilty for shouting at dad, but this is my baby's life he's put in danger. I just feel so angry at him and guilty at the same time. He's ill and I'm such a horrible bitch. :(

If its dementia... Support through Dementia UK, Uniting Carers or Alzheimer's Society. Hugs to you xxx

Thank you everyone.

Leaving dad in a home just won't ever be an option. He is like I said mentally sound at the moment and I wouldn't want him thinking he's a burden. I have a sibling who lives close by who never helps. Never phones up and asks if dad is ok. It makes me so angry. My dad worked night shifts and worked bloody hard to provide for us, and his eldest son is too busy engrossed in his own life.

Dad goes and stays with my other sibling abroad for a few months twice a year, so I do get a rest from it all for a couple of months a year.

Ow, you poor poor thing. Everyone would shout - it's natural. Luckily yr DC is fine - no harm done. But...

• if yr dad is ok mentally, then a good yell won't have done him any damage and he will understand why you freaked. Baby locked in freezing garden is a no-brainer. Give him a glass of something and apologise.

• if he's losing it, a good yell will have done him even less damage - he won't remember it. They are too selfish to care about others, anyway (symptom). You're left shaking and need 2 days to recover but the dementia sufferer is oblivious - it's about the only advantage to the appalling illness.

If it's any help, the first thing that made me wonder about my Dad, who is very much not all there, was when he was given care of his toddler GCs for all of 3 min when I took a work call. When I came back downstairs, he sat back in his armchair and said with satisfaction 'I suppose you realise they've left the house'.

Both GCs were fine - playing in a bush - I wasn't. I don't want to break this to you, but if it is dementia, you really can't rely on yr Dad for anything. Suggest trip to GP.

Either way, crack the wine open and chill with yr Dad - it's a bad day and you, far from being awful, are guilty of nothing but caring.

OH HOW HORRIBLE, SCARY AND SAD :( - sorry caps locked !

Big hugs and a large gin x

op, a good care home can be a blessing, honestly

I know what you mean though, but you've got a baby to consider as well as you and your dad

good luck xx

and op, take it from me, you're not shit

as another who was left alone in the family to look after mum, with siblings who did nothing, I can understand your anger only too well

but shit you're not

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Thanks ssd. I try not to get angry, but the feeling of resentment is building up gradually. I've stopped meeting my brother and avoid family situations with him incase I blurt out how horrible and selfish he is.

Everything is fine this morning. He is still doesn't understand how it happened or why he didn't hear him. I've told him that the front door can not be left open when we go out to the bins from now on. He understands how dangerous what happened was. DS is fine aswell, active as ever. This will be an interesting story to tell him when he's older!

I know what you mean about avoiding siblings, I do it too and have done it for years, I have years and years of resentment in me

but please, consider other forms of care for your dad, sometimes we cant offer the kind of care we want to be able to, due to us having limitations with our own families, it really sounds like your dad needs to get assessed due to what's happened, for his safety and yours, I don't want to frighten or moan at you but next time the outcome may be far worse and you cant be everywhere at once

xx

you have a lot to cope with by the sounds of it. These things happen and are very scary. I took the dogs out for a walk early one morning and was gone about an hour - when I got back the next door neighbour came to get me to say my dd (then only 4) had got out of the house and he had found her wandering about - she couldn't get back in as she had pulled the door shut behind her - dh was home so should have been watching her but had decided to go in the shower and thought she was in front the tv. I was livid and god knows what would have happened if the neighbour hadn't found her.

I'd have yelled at my dad for that. I've had two GPs living with us at different times so I know what it's like. I think just keep in mind that he can do stuff like this and treat it as if you are alone with the 11 month old IYSWIM, or that your dad is like a young child and can't be trusted.

Not read the replies, but I think you may have to review the 'mentally sound' opinion.

Glad your quick realisation meant your DS was ok!!

How horrid for you, how frightening. Glad DS is safe and sound and hopefully totally unaffected by all this.

Can I ask though, was your dad supposed to be looking after your DS at this time? It's just that more times than I can count either DH or myself have thought DS was with the other parent and then realised that he was "missing" (within the house - we're not that irresponsible honest). And the number of times I've turned round only to trip over DS who has stealthily crept up on me from the other side of the room.

I'm honestly not trying to belittle your situation and I feel for you but I think this could have happened whether your dad was ill or not. Young children can be surprisingly quiet when they want to be.

Don't cut yourself up over this. You're sooo not a bitch. You're a caring preson who obviously loves her children and your dad. I hope things work out and you find an arrangement that suits all of you.

My baby sitter was on her way out to the pub (she lives a few doors away), when she found my 1 and 3 year old outside her door, the 3 year old blithely announced "DD is taking me for a walk".

They do these things even in normal circumstances!

I am glad your baby is ok.