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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu? Or is DH bu?

24 replies

charlmarascoxo · 05/12/2012 00:50

Dh has recently moved jobs and just had his work Christmas party, in which partners were invited. Altogether there was around 14 people.

No one wanted the pressure of organising dinner so it was just drinks. We get there and DH immediately goes over to one of them and starts chatting and I feel stupid just stood there.

This was the pattern for the whole night. Me stood there feeling stupid.

This is a group of people that all know each other well and I was the only one who didn't know anyone. DH is a very social person and I felt like I was just tagging along after him all night.

I'm not a shy person but I hate being in a large group of people who are all good friends and I don't know any of them.

DH couldn't understand why I was upset.

So aibu or is he?

OP posts:

BunnyLebowski · 05/12/2012 00:52

He was thoughtless and a bit rude.

BUT your story illustrates perfectly why partners should never be invited to Works Dos.

FlourFace · 05/12/2012 00:52

I would appreciate DP introducing me to people but I don't understand why you would be stood there on your own. Why didn't you walk over to people with DH and just join in?

Original poster

charlmarascoxo · 05/12/2012 00:56

Well initially I did try that but it made me feel like I was just following him around and tagging onto him.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlmarascoxo · 05/12/2012 00:59

Should add I wasn't stood there looking miserable and bored. I just seemed to find myself in the position of being stood alone.

OP posts:

FlourFace · 05/12/2012 00:59

Hm, well I'm torn.

I'd be annoyed DP didn't introduce me but would give him the benefit of the doubt - if it's a new job he is probably on edge and not yet comfortable with his new colleagues. And 14 isn't a massive group.

Sometimes you need to just get in there and get stuck in - not wait around for someone else to entertain you.

And I agree with ^ - partners should not be allowed at work do's!

NatashaBee · 05/12/2012 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

impty · 05/12/2012 01:02

He was being rude. At the very least he should have introduced you to others. Personally, I hate doing this type of thing (and I won't now), it's really hard if you are the only one who knows nobody. What you needed was someone to notice you on your own and involve you. That should've been dp.

ripsishere · 05/12/2012 01:03

But OTOH, his colleagues could have made an effort too.

Original poster

charlmarascoxo · 05/12/2012 01:04

I agree about partners not being invited but I think it was an exception here because it's a small group and they're all close.

OP posts:

EMS23 · 05/12/2012 01:08

I'd be like you in that situation in that I find it very difficult to just get stuck in. I'd also have felt stupid and very self conscious. I go right back to school and that feeling of being a right old lemon stood on your own in the playground!!

Presumably your DH knows this about you so IMHO he is BU and should've introduced you to people and made the effort to keep you included in conversations.

But I agree with pps that partners shouldn't be at work do's!

Original poster

charlmarascoxo · 05/12/2012 01:09

I just think sometimes he doesn't think.

He took me to his favourite bar once, he knew most people in there.

Turns out most of them were his and his ex wife's neighbours and friends. She was even mentioned twice, with one girl asking if they were still together.

As the new girlfriend I was probably very unlikely to be liked by them.

Again he couldn't understand why I was upset.

OP posts:

EMS23 · 05/12/2012 01:15

So he's a thoughtless idiot then. I'd stop explaining as he's clearly not getting it. Decline the invite next year and do something fun with friends who treat you well instead.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 05/12/2012 03:03

He was thoughtless and rude, knew you didn't know anyone and should have kept you by his side.

SantaWearsGreen · 05/12/2012 09:42

Yup he was bu, thoughtless

And I second partners not being invited. Partners are invited to DHs but I never go. He thinks i'm being awkward but it would be a whole lot more awkward if I went. What happened to you is exactly what I picture.

coppertop · 05/12/2012 09:46

You were there as his guest. It's rude to leave a guest to look after themselves while you go off and enjoy yourself.

It doesn't sound as though he gave much thought to you at all. He was BU.

ClippedPhoenix · 05/12/2012 09:50

He was thoughtless, he also dismissed your feelings when you told him how you felt. I'd be having more words with him OP.

freddiefrog · 05/12/2012 09:52

My DH has been guilty of this too. It's just rude

I remember going to a work event with him a couple of years ago. I knew no one, not a soul. DH is very sociable and I felt like he'd abandoned me. I felt a bit of a knob following him around all night. I did make an effort to try and chat with everyone, but it was all a bit awkward

I just don't go to this stuff anymore.

They all sit around talking shop, it bores me to tears and it's a waste of paying a baby sitter

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 05/12/2012 09:54

Sadly for your dh, I am sure his other new colleagues noticed that he was both socially inept and with bad manners.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 05/12/2012 09:57

he was being UR.

he should have said "come on, i'll introduce you to tim and beverly" and then done it and included you in any conversation.

i also hate hate hate being in that social situation and find it very hard to just get stuck in with people i've never met even though it is very much what i want to do. and if everyone else is in conversation you cant just hover beside them and start laughing at a funny bit. you'll get half a dozen of

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 05/12/2012 09:59

and i think it's worse in a smaller crowd as it's far more obvious that there's a woman standing at the bar/in the kitchen/next to the d/stairs loo by herself nursing a glass.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/12/2012 10:53

He should have introduced you to everyone.

As someone said upthread this is exactly why partners shouldn't go to work do's though. It's uncomfortable to not know anyone at al.

I can't imagine anything worse than going to my DP's Christmas party!

sparkle12mar08 · 05/12/2012 11:46

Weren't there other partners there? Anyone in the same boat? But frankly he sounds rude and very inconsiderate, and I'd have been livid at being treated that way.

WillYuleDoTheFandango · 05/12/2012 11:54

YANBU, but it sounds like he is thoughtless rather than purposefully being cruel. If you have to go to an event like this again make it clear that he is to include you and not just dump you at the first opportunity.

When DP and I first got together we went to a nightclub with his friends, having never had a serious girlfriend before and being quite pissed he didn't realise that leaving me while he went off chatting for 45 minutes really wasn't on. A bollocking frank discussion later and he never did it again.

Whocansay · 05/12/2012 11:58

Been there! My dh (bf at the time) couldn't understand why I was upset either. You don't invite someone to an event, full of people who are old friends, and then proceed to ignore them all night. As it was, I got drunk and made it clear to him screamed in a drunken rage that it was unkind and not acceptable. Probably not the best way of dealing with it (I was 19 at the time), but he hasn't done it since.

I don't expect to be on his coat tails all night, but I do expect him to introduce me to people and make sure I'm OK periodically as I would for him.

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