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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you start a sentance with "this is going to sound really rude" then you probably shouldn't say it

29 replies

autumnmum · 04/12/2012 17:34

That's it really. Someone I had only just met started a conversation with me using this opener today, and then was suprised when I was upset by what they said.

OP posts:
SantaWearsGreen · 04/12/2012 17:35

'No offence but..'

vintageviolets · 04/12/2012 17:35

Im not being horrible but......

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 04/12/2012 17:36

Ah yes. Trick there is to hold up your hand and say "I'll stop you right there. I'm not interested in hearing anything that you know even before you say it is rude. So it's best if you don't finish that sentence."

Can I be nebby and ask what they said?

LRDtheFeministDude · 04/12/2012 17:40

Mmm. Depends how you say it, I think. A mate of mine who has very polite American-south manner will say 'this is very rude, but ...' and usually the next thing will be 'I'm so tired I have to go' or 'I don't think I can make it tomorrow' .... ie., nothing remotely rude at all, in my eyes!

She is just very, very sweet and has an odd sense of etiquette that if you're you're leaving/turning down an invitation to a social event, you're meant to make out you're being very cheeky so the other person knows they can say no, it's fine!

I accept it is often used not to suggest the speaker is worried about offending you and hopes you'll excuse clumsy phrasing, but just to be fucking rude, though.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/12/2012 17:42

Depending on what followed, YABU.

On the rare occasions when I have used one of those openers, I have always been met with 'Hell, yes!' as I'd generally just be voicing something that the other person is thinking but doesn't want to say.

I wouldn't say anything that is likely to upset someone though, so if in a situation where I was likely to say it the person then ended up upset, it would probably be because they are over sensitive.

ThePoppyAndTheIvy · 04/12/2012 17:47

I also have a nosey need to know what was said...... Grin

YANBU though. If it is rude, don't say it. Quite simple really!

Original poster
autumnmum · 04/12/2012 17:47

HECT I was at a meeting for volunteers (I am an intern for a large charity) to discuss the volunteer experience. When asked why we were volunteering I said it was because I wanted a job. This other volunteer took offence at this and took me to one side and said I shouldn't have said that as it made me sound bitter (I'm not, so I'm not sure what gave her that idea). She also said as I have been a SAHM for 8 years I should expect to start at the bottom and not "to get ideas above my station". I should mention that I am highly qualified and experienced in the field I am working in - but the very fact I am working for free should kind of indicate I don't really have ideas above my station.

OP posts:
ThePoppyAndTheIvy · 04/12/2012 18:03

Do you often point out the fact that you are highly qualified & experienced in the field you are working in to her or the other volunteers? Do you think maybe they are a little cheesed off with hearing this & think you are acting as though you are better than them and therefore have a right to a job when one becomes available, where they might not?

If not, then just ignore it as a silly person with a bee in her bonnet who has misunderstood you Smile.

CQuin · 04/12/2012 18:04

sentence

Original poster
autumnmum · 04/12/2012 18:09

Poppy nobody in the room had a clue about my background. I only mentioned it here because I am a great big show off wanted to illustrate I don't expect to waltz back into the sort of job I had before the kids came along. What I can't understand is why anybody would want to deliberately upset somebody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnmum · 04/12/2012 18:11

CQuin :) I'm a science expert not an English one!

OP posts:
ThePoppyAndTheIvy · 04/12/2012 18:14

In that case, take no notice. YANBU, but some people just feel the need to say whatever they are thinking without worrying how that will make the other person feel. They seem to think that using the phrase "I don't mean to be rude" excuses whatever follows. It doesn't.

It's akin to posting a rude or offensive reply to someone's FB status and ending it LOL, as if a LOL makes it OK. Hmm

It really boils down to some people having no manners.

helpyourself · 04/12/2012 18:15

I'm not being funny...
That makes no sense and you sound about 12.
Not you op- volunteering world is a weird

helpyourself · 04/12/2012 18:16

Place.

merrymouse · 04/12/2012 18:21

also the even less self aware phrase "I'm not being rude but...".

lovemydogs · 04/12/2012 18:28

My OH always says to me "I hate to say this but......" clearly he does not hate to say it - quite the opposite.

Another one is when people say "I'm not being racist but...." and then proceed to make a racist remark.

Agree with merrymouse too.
xx

HalloweenNameChange · 04/12/2012 18:37

I am not racist but... followed by something obviously racist

Schmoozer · 04/12/2012 19:40

I'm sorry but ....
I know someone who likes,to spout bollocks :)
She often precedes bollocks with i'm sorry but ....
And she really, really doesn't seem sorry ! :)

thebody · 04/12/2012 20:07

'Look don't take this the wrong way' and the funny 'you know me I don't gossip'. Lol followed by gossip.

Ignore op she's jealous, say' I hope you don't take this the wrong way but fuck off love will you?'

Molehillmountain · 04/12/2012 20:13

With all due respect (ie pretty much none)

cynnerthenaughtyreindeer · 04/12/2012 20:13

Let me be frank.....no..just no

cinders005 · 05/12/2012 16:49

Or "no disrespect"

wordfactory · 05/12/2012 17:37

I speak as I find....

Kalisi · 05/12/2012 17:46

I'm not sure what's worse, pre warning you that what is about to be said is going to be rude or just saying it and then adding 'no offence' at the end.
Both fuck me off royally.....no offence.

cumfy · 05/12/2012 18:06

I don't mean to be overly critical but YABU;
it's a perfectly reasonable to prepend some sort of warning to appropriately flag up negative comments.

OTOH why the hell this person thought that you should lie when asked a perfectly straightforward question and that instead they can dictate the answer you should give is utterly bizarre.
Is this a religious sect of some kind ?

They sound totally unhinged.