...to be annoyed that my Mum just invites herself and then ruins Christmas?

[justmuddlingalong]

Long Post-sorry. I am in my 40's and have a very strained relationship with my mum. My siblings have nothing to do with her because of her attitude, she has narcissistic tendencies. I would quite happily cut off all contact with her, but feel guilty because I'm the last of her children who tolerates her. She has brothers and sisters whom she has alienated too, but doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. She presumes that she is coming to spend Christmas with DP and I, but this will be the 12th year she's just invited herself and I just can't face it again. She is overpowering, selfish and sooo ungrateful. She knows I only invite her because no-one else will put up with her. You'd think she would behave in a more reasonable manner, but she aways dictates how the day runs, what we eat, when we eat, stops us meeting up with friends later in the day etc. My DP's son will be home from the forces at Christmas, so we can't run away abroad for Christmas to avoid her! I'm generally a strong minded woman, but my Mum is such a bully that railroads people into doing what she wants. I know you only get 1 mum, don't be uncharitable, it's the season of goodwill etc!!!! Don't judge me, you haven't spent Christmas Day with my mother, what should I do?

can you limit the time? dinner only? make pretend plans and ship her out. tell her well in advance and then keep saying "well we are visiting so and so at 4pm sharp" kinda thing. so at least you have done your bit AND save some of the day to so your own thing.

You can tell her she's not welcome, either in a roundabout way, an outright lie "we're going away mother, sorry" or just outright say "oh fuck off you old bat, we don't want you"
Or you can refuse to be dictated to and bullied by her in your own home, so do it your way, every time she opens her mouth either hand her a sherry, shove a mince pie in, or laugh like a drain, and ignore, ignore ignore whatever she says, and just do your own thing. This one needs the whole family, whoever else is there on board, but she can only bully you if you let her
What's the worst she can do? Scream and shout? laugh and say "good grief mother, how old are you? three?" Prepare an answer for anything she might say and just don't let her get away with it. Worst case scenario, she storms out and never speaks to you again - what have you lost? fuck all gained? peace and quiet
Just because you are the only one of her children that still cares for/is able to be bullied by/puts up with her, doesn't mean you have to, or that you're somehow obliged - respect and love and Goodwill to All Men and everything else, all go both ways.

We've done that, told her before she came and during the day that we're going out with friends after dinner. We've had our showers, got dressed and told her we're going out now. She just ignores us. Literally. She totally ignores what we're saying. So unless we physically lob her out the front door, she'll stay til SHE decides she's going home.

Say you're going out to see your friends Xmas day with DP's son but that she's welcome to come over boxing day/the day after/never instead.

Or go out to friends and leave her at home alone.

Tell her you won't be at home on Christmas Day, that you're going out to friends.

Maybe you do just need to physically lob her out of the door then.

Yor major issue though is to get over the guilt thing. Do your siblings feel guilty? Do they hell, thay are getting on with their lives and not suffering. You need to do the same.

You have all my sympathy. I know you can't go abroad, but what about a small short holiday with just the family? I'm sure that if you don't invite her and stay at home you are not going to enjoy it either.

I'd lie. Tell her you are going abroad anyway.

Anything for an easy life.

We told her a few years ago that we were going to friends for Christmas dinner, she came round to check, I'm not joking, she chapped the door after peering throught the window. I've tried everything, Saying we're going out, having friends over. She will barge in when we have guests, coat off, sit down and dictate the rest of the day. I feel such a spineless eejit, I'd tell anyone else who treated me like that to do one, but why can't I do it with her?

Book a few days away in a nice cottage and turn your phones off tee hee!

Your Dh is a saint

A few days peace and quiet in a cottage sounds like bliss. Am trying not to get wound up about Christmas, but it's hanging over me like a big, black cloud. My siblings don't help, they think it's hilarious. I know there are more important things to worry about, but 12 bloody years!!!

Tell her you are going to siblings

Would you let any other adult come in and order you around? If not then yes you have to deal with her as you would any other rude person who was on your property. If she doesnt like it, then tough.

My DP is a saint, but his mum died a few years ago and he loved the bones of the woman, so I feel a wee bit judged by him too, when I say I hate my mum, coz I know he had such a great relationship with his mum. I think I'm going to have to just tell her that she'll have to make other plans because we are having a quiet Christmas on our own. It's easy to be brave now, sitting here in my jammies, but if she comes round on Christmas Day, I'm just not going to let her in. Have just over 3 weeks to grow some backbone!

You have my sympathy op. my mother is the same and I know how hard it is not to bow to the pressure. We tried to limit her visits to 3 days by telling her we were going away. When she arrived she announced she had booked her travel to stay for 7 days and was going to use our house when we were away! Was a very awkward situation. I don't know what to suggest, but will be following with interest.

Even if you end up quivering behind the sofa slurping Bailey's through a straw while she hammers on the door, once you've done it this first time, it will be easier afterwards.
It will be hard, it sounds like you're working yourself into a bit of a state :( but try not to let her ruin another Christmas - try and see the funny side of it all, such as there is, picture it like a scene from a soap or something, and be firm, and think of the future. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, or to be ashamed of, and if any of your siblings don't like it, let them have her round! If any of them say anything, just threaten to tell mum she's been invited to their house
If you make up your mind, and sit down and explain to DH how you feel, and how it's different from his relationship with his much loved late mother, and get him onside, it will be ok. Even if this year is a bit fraught, it will set the scene for the future and help you reset boundaries on your relationship with your mother.

Thanx Tailtwister, seems you understand too. Friends who have good relationships with their mum just don't get what a weird relationship we have. She has no contact with any family except me. She has no friends as such, just aquaintances who barely tollerate her. She is oblivious to what anyone else wants, I've honestly never met anyone that's such hard work to put up with. Not only do I know her, I'm related to her. Oh lucky, lucky me!

Thanx everyone. I joined this forum, just to get some advice on this. When she starts her nonsense I will imagine you all standing behind me, egging me on. A mumsnet posse helping me be brave enough to say what's been needed to be said for a long time. Thank you all for taking the time to give me the strength to finally stand up to her.

Yayyy - just picture us all cheering you wildly on just and no matter what happens, you can come back and keep us posted and we will be here to sympathise and laugh and pour you a or a and hold your hand and call her names for you

Pombear, that really gave me a big, belly laugh.

You can do it! get it out of the way sooner rather than later, write down what points you need to make so you don't get sidetracked and stand firm, suggest she makes up with her other kids and visits them instead, you really don't have to suffer another Christmas on her terms. Good luck!

if it gets really bad just imagine us going round her house christmas day

Brother and sister have both told her to bugger off go away when she's turned up at the door. She'll just smile and say she'll come back later. They always put the phone down on her whenever she phones, but she keeps phoning them. She has the thickest skin out there and is oblivious to the bluntest comment. Will let you all know how it goes.