to not want to see my mum if my brother's around?

[crabbitbeastie]

it sounds really immature, but I grew up being acutely aware that my mum had a favourite child - my younger brother (there's only 2 of us). She adores him, will never criticise him and point blank refuses to listen if anyone else suggests he's anything less than perfect. On the 2 occasions I've tried to raise this issue and how it makes me feel, she's flown into a rage, screaming "don't give me that 'poor-little-me' routine" etc etc. We aren't a close family anyway, my dad's not on the scene and my brother and I have never really kept in touch that much.
Anyway, 3yrs ago I went home for christmas, and my brother manipulated the situation so as to engineer a huge row between my mum and me. I left in tears the next morning. I haven't seen or spoken to him since, and have only seen my mum once. I live in Glasgow and she lives in Cambridge and has never once come to visit me. If I don't go down to see her this new year, another year will pass with no face-to-face contact, as she has no intention of coming to see me. But I really don't want to see my brother. I think he would just try to drive a wedge between us again. AIBU?

Yabu to go see her, to be honest. You fled her home in tears, she has not tried to extend an olive branch, so why bother?

Could you go to Cambridge and stay somewhere else , and just visit, so you can leave easily if the situation feel tense.

as much as it hurts to stay away it would appear it will hurt even more to make the effort to go back. You know your brother is her favourite and that she has made no effort to keep in touch. It's horrible to feel so cut off from your own mother but can you continue to take the pain of all future arguments etc?

I wouldn't bother tbh.

Do you think you and your mum would have a nice time together without your brother ?
Or would she still make comments in his favour ?

If you like the woman that is your mother then try and see her another time when he isn't around .
If you like the idea of her being the mother she never will be , then I wouldn't bother .

Send a card. Wish her well , but I would try and detach if I was you .

Ah, this is pretty much what I expected. Usually I wouldn't bother throwing myself at someone like this, but she's the only parent I have, and the 2 of them are the only family I have. Also, I don't have a huge network of friends to lean on (I'm not a horrid cow - at least I don't think I am - I think this has got more to do with moving all the time, as well as being very shy).

Maybe I should just forget it then. It does make me ever so sad though, especially at this time of year.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Is it just me?

Thanks for the replies, btw xx

It is sad , but if you aren't getting any pleasure out of having them in your life then I personally wouldn't want to keep putting myself through it .

You don't have to burn your bridges , just stop being the one to make all the effort .

I don't speak to my Mum at all, or my older brother. I am now living 500 miles away from them. My Mum told me numerous times throughout childhood that she never wanted a girl amoung other things.

My life is so much easier without them and all their drama now. I do wonder what I should do if she got ill or something, but, for now its a much better situation to be in.

I can´t imagine why you would want to see either of them tbh.

Obviously I don´t know any of you-but how does one adult make another 2 have a blazing row?

You sound well rid!

Oh chrismissymoomoomee, that's so awful. She's not even given you a chance there, just written you off for being a girl! Does she acknowledge her poor parenting at all?

My mum dotes on my brother because he's so academic, and got into very exclusive universities, and he's going to be a doctor (she has a real thing about doctors - the best thing I could do, in her eyes, would be to marry one). I'm afraid I'm a bit of a disappointment in comparison to him

diddl: I know, and if I recounted the whole conversation in the lead up to the row, you'd be frankly amazed that she could lose the plot so badly. The worst part of the argument began when I tried to explain how my brother was manipulating the situation; she just doesn't want to hear it. I'm supposed to accept blame at all times and he sits there looking smug.

Yes, it sounds like we are a pair of children, except that he is genuinely damaging my mum's relationship with me, and he knows that. It frightens me that he wants to drive me out, so that he can effectively be an 'only child'.

Favouritism has totally ruined my childhood, and it doesn't stop once you become an adult.

But I don´t think that your brother not being there would improve things.

Your Mum has damaged your relationship by favouring your brother-she has chosen to do that.

He´s a twat for letting her & playing on it-but he couldn´t do those things if she didn´t let him

I can slightly equate to this. I'm the middle child and have a strained relationship with my little brother. Ironically he claims I was favoured and spoiled, yet blames me for that and is hostile to the point of aggression. Yet my mother pussy foots around him, does everything for him and giggles when he calls her every name under the sun. I'm now trying to stay away from my brother until he grows up, but as he's already mid 30's I may be waiting some time. Life moves on. I am happy. In your shoes I think I'd walk away; if that's what you want.

Thing is, your brother didn't create this situation, your mother did. She made him the favourite, she taught him that her relationship with him is more important than her relationship with you. Yes, he makes the most of it and manipulates the situation, but this is only because your mum has made it clear to him that he can.

I would avoid Christmas if he will be there too, it's too high pressured anyway, if you have DCs they will also have their Christmas ruined if there's another fight, and if not, it's hardly going to be the most relaxing atmosphere.

You could invite her to you, you are then extending the olive branch and she can chose to reject it if she wants. Then if you would like to rebuild some bridges (although think about why you want to do that beyound "she's family and I should ") then go another time of year. Maybe do a trip in February.

Thanks everyone. I think I will go to see her some time when he wont be there, and if it's awful or she won't engage in any kind of meaningful discussion with me about what happened last time the 3 of us were together, then I will walk away. Ultimately, Dontmindifido is correct, and it's my mother who facillitates the whole thing - my brother just takes advantage of the situation.

All the best ladies xxx

Yes, don't let him ruin Christmas, if your mum wants a relationship with her daughter, she will have to be nice to her. It's not your job to keep this relationship going.

I think it would be asking fro trouble to go from no contact whatsoever to spending the Christmas holiday with them. Too much too soon.

If you really want to build some bridges, and I'm not sure I would in your situation, start with phone calls and letters first.

Its hard to walk away, even with shitty memories and a shitty attitude they are still your family. I do think it helps being far away though, at least you don't run the risk of bumping into them and you don't have to hear anything about them if you choose. I'm pretty much an 'out of sight, out of mind' person (to some extent) so I find it easy not to think about it.

I really hope it all goes well and it gets resolved, my best advice would be not to expect anything and then you won't be disappointed. I don't think your Mum will change her attitude overnight but maybe if she sees how much she has hurt you it might finally sink in.