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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't be embarrassed by his own child?

120 replies

BatCave · 03/12/2012 10:04

DD is 2.4, and going through, well, a toddler stage of demanding stubbornness with a screaming fit if she's told "no".

Busy shop yesterday and we had foolishly foolishly decided to take her and the baby shopping. She was bored, tired etc and had a screaming fit in the middle of a busy shop. I mean ear splitting shrieking of epic proportions. DH was getting stressed with her, moaning and shouting at her - it wasn't working so I took over trying to calm her down and get her back in the pushchair. HE WALKED OFF!!! I had the baby in a sling was trying to wrestle a screaming toddler and he just walked away.

When I questioned him after he said he was really embarrassed and had seen one of his mates. He thinks we have the worst behaved child in the world, keeps asking me where we've gone wrong?!

I'm sure we have a normal toddler.... Don't we? Please tell me this is normal...

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 03/12/2012 15:56

That sounds like some appalling behaviour - from your OH! He is on a hiding to nothing if he keeps expecting and demanding things that are simply not going to happen; 1) expecting a toddler to be an angel 100% of the time and 2) expecting even mythical angel toddlers to not lose their shit in a hot, busy, stressy shopping environment where they're getting no attention, stimulation, fun, etc. Too many parents expect behaviour that is developmentally way beyond their child/ren and also expect behaviour from children that they wouldn't sometimes expect from other adults!

OP, I struggle to see how you can describe him as a great dad, loving and caring, etc., when he has this attitude towards your DD. his love sounds entirely shallow and unconditional, more like a spoilt child with a pet than an adult with their child. Anyone can be loving and caring when a child is behaving in ways that please us; it is being there when they are behaving at their worst and STILL treating them with love and care that truly shows the love and worth of any parent. Ad what loving, caring parent thinks so badly of their own child?! Really upsetting to read.

What he did there is incredibly shaming and sends some very damaging messages; Daddy only loves you when you are good, Daddy will abandon you if you're not perfect. He is not loving, caring, good or decent if he not only cannot deal with his children when they are upset or playing up, but chooses to see normal less-than-desirable toddler bahviour as abnormal or terrible, etc. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he loves and accepts his child. Such treatment will only make her behaviour even worse, as it will make her deeply upset, confused, clingy, etc.

Theicingontop · 03/12/2012 16:01

I'm one of those mums that used to really piss me off when I was childless, I let my son completely get on with it. Unless I've been a supreme idiot by taking him shopping before lunch, in which case I'll go buy him a banana.

He had a massive meltdown in Tesco the other week because I took his scarf off Hmm. I went shopping with my brother because it was a larger-than-usual shop, he was bright red the whole time, even apologised to a few people. Tried bribing my son with promises of sweeties if he was good, got a right telling off for it. Ten minutes of pure ignorance and the tantrum stopped and he was miraculously fine. Anyone who gives me a filthy look for it gets one right back.

AmberLeaf · 03/12/2012 16:27

He thinks you're criticising him because he knows he is an inadequate parent.

He needs to do something about his failings.

Its hard for you because you are not just dealing with normal kids stuff, you are tiptoeing round your husband too.

Original poster
BatCave · 03/12/2012 16:33

Spot on, I don't want to be his counsellor, or his mother. I want it to be a partnership, i want him to take responsibility for decisions/situations and not have to always be the one that deals with it. Even minor decisions he always defers to me, i always tell him "why are you asking me that, you can decide" He has been completely mummied until we met, he has a health condition that is exacerbated by stress, but he gets stressed out by it if that makes sense, he has trouble coping with stressful situations. But it has worsened and only really become an issue since having DC otherwise I'd have been very wary.

I think half my problem is that I just doubt myself all the time. I get so frustrated which is not helpful I know. And i dont really know how or what im thinking to be honest. i usually come away thinking ive been unfair on him. But I've got a young baby, hormones flying everywhere and we're both tired.

I have questioned our relationship recently, but I do love him so very much. I don't look at him and think "you're a shit dad/husband" at all. He can and will look after DD fine on his own, he would deal with it I guess, but when we're together he'll defer to me.

Wrt our toddler. I know the problem isn't hers. Yes it's difficult to deal with but I know it's normal behaviour really, it does concern me that he thinks its a problem

OP posts:
forevergreek · 03/12/2012 17:25

For future Xmas shopping trips together follow this advice

7pm, pop children into bed
8pm takeaway delivered
8.05pm wine opened
8.10pm turn on laptop/s ( quicker on two)

And sit on the sofa in the luxury of your home, with you and dh drinking wine and laughing at daft present available. Get gift wrapped if possible :)

Save family shopping until the crazy shopper have disappered at the end of January

Enjoy

McChristmasPants2012 · 03/12/2012 17:30

normal, when DS has a tantrum he doesn't get any of my attention i will direct it all to dd and vise versa. < don't always works>

i would be livid if DH walked away from me and the children

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 03/12/2012 17:33

OP I don't mean this in a accusing way but why was your toddler out the push chair in the first place? How were you meant to have a baby in a sling, a pushchair and a toddler in a very busy shop? Maybe a double buggy or reins and a buggy board with baby in the pushchair would work better if you have a spirited toddler.

Original poster
BatCave · 03/12/2012 17:43

That's ok InNeedOfBrandyButter she was out the pushchair because we had just stopped at a café for drink and cake. Shed been really good in there and had asked to walk for a bit - we were on our way back to the car anyway. And with two of us it should have been easy enough to manage. I like to wear the baby, he's never been in a pushchair, but that's another issue. It generally works well as a means of getting about.

OP posts:
PickledInAPearTree · 03/12/2012 17:51

I made that mistake on mothercare last week bat was only popping in quickly. He ran amok then scratched my face in temper when I had to keep hold of him as we were queuing!

Original poster
BatCave · 03/12/2012 17:56

Pickled - I actually avoid mothercare and elc like the plague when with DD - its a recipe for disaster!

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 03/12/2012 18:11

Typical of fellers. Run off and leave you to deal with the mess

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2012 19:10

No, not "typical of fellers"

Typical of selfish and inadequate fellers who need to get a grip.

pointysettia · 03/12/2012 20:40

What AnyFucker said. I was lucky, DD1 only did this once in Tesco's, DD2 never did it at all. Just plain good luck.

But it was DH who carried DD1 outside to calm down whilst I continued shopping. She just needed to be out of the crowded supermarket, calmed down immediately once she was out. The OP's DH needs to man up.

RawShark · 03/12/2012 20:50

YANBU.
Can he take her out more on his own so he gets more confident ?
Also when he does make decisions do you ever criticise or rescind them? I'm only asking cos I think this can impact the parent being criticised in terms of their confidence. My husband is a stresser so I have watched this carefully in myself.
If you're being hormonal have you told him honestly that you may in your own words have "been unfair on him" but this is not necessarily your most rational self talking. however it is unfair of him to walk off like that and leave you to deal with it and you don;t want him to do it again. Honest communication is key from my experience

StinkyWicket · 03/12/2012 21:03

I've had to drag a tantrumming 3 year old along the floor in Tesco before, with another one running off and a baby in the pram.

It's not fun but it's normal!

If it was my DH, I would look at him disdainfully and tell him he was being an idiot if he thought the behaviour anything less than normal! I appreciate some husbands may be more sensitive than mine though Wink

Original poster
BatCave · 03/12/2012 21:33

RawShark I have been really mindful of the fact I might do this and have been making sure I try not to, but it is difficult. For example tonight. DD wouldn't eat her tea, she asked to get down from the table so I said "ok, but there's nothing else to eat. If you're hungry your tea is there" this is the rule, it always has been, she has the option of her tea, up at the table, but she gets nothing else made for her.

5minutes later he comes in - oh I've thrown her tea away as she doesn't want it. Cue toddler - "I want my tea..." So I did roll my eyes. And he says "I was just trying to be helpful" so I probably did criticise him. I know it's a really petty example.

I have been hormonal and unkind a couple of times but I've always apologised and said I was in the wrong.

Honest communication is key and we are singer when we work together.

OP posts:
RawShark · 03/12/2012 21:37

Hmmmmmn well I have no more suggestions I am afraid! Hopefully he won't do it again now you've discussed it Hmm

lovebunny · 03/12/2012 21:38

ltb. keep the child.

Goldmandra · 03/12/2012 22:21

5minutes later he comes in - oh I've thrown her tea away as she doesn't want it. Cue toddler - "I want my tea..." So I did roll my eyes. And he says "I was just trying to be helpful" so I probably did criticise him. I know it's a really petty example.

Either your DH has serious theory of mind issues or the last thing he was doing was trying to be helpful.

He heard you say she could come back and get it later. He knows that is an established rule in your house. He throws that meal away and then come and tell you in front of her so she knows he's done it.

A neurotypical adult, particularly a parent of a two year old would understand the implications of those actions. Unless he is not NT, he was deliberately rocking the boat there and you have nothing to apologise for and it is not a petty example.

Original poster
BatCave · 04/12/2012 08:52

Goldmandra he genuinely believes he's helping, because he was'helping' me by tidying up and doing the dishes. I don't know I've just always assumed he was a bit "useless" at life because his overbearing mother had just pandered to his every need for his whole life. He tries really hard and has got loads better at coping with things since we met but he still defers to me on a lot of things. Partly that's my fault maybe. He has severe ibs and it is worsened by stress and makes him nervous and stressed. I don't know I've never really thought about it like that.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 04/12/2012 09:03

BatCave you are clearly a lovely person and you are also very patient.

I would have been angry with DH for doing that before I realised I had to explain why his actions were so unhelpful.

Your DH sounds very like mine.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/12/2012 10:12

BatCave
Do you have patterns and routines in the house that you use regularly with your DD, such as the food staying on the table (which I still use with my 5 and 9 year old!)? Does your DH know what these are? I have found it helpful to make it very clear to DH if there is a particular way of doing things and the rationale behind it. e.g. its always breakfast then school uniform in the mornings because I don't want to be scrubbing breakfast of their clothes 5 mins before we are due to leave. DH is happy to stick to these sort of routines once he knows what they are and it is less stressful all round because we are all operating on the same set of rules.

Don't assume you DH has picked up on the routines, I would tell him explicitly.

Spero · 04/12/2012 10:51

Hmmm. Well, if he 'genuinely' believed he was helping, then he is utterly oblivious to the rules around mealtimes, which I assume have been in place for sometime now?

So are you doing everything? Will he be the parent on the sidelines throughout their childhood?

I am well aware of the dangers of projecting m bad experiences onto your situation, your husband may well not be the selfish irritating git my ex was. They do seem to share certain characteristics - my ex made it very clear that pretty much everythingto domwith child care was my domain and if I dared asked for help he would make sure he sabotaged it - for eg like throwing her food away if she didn't eat up immediately.

Because I am not the lovely patient partner that so many of you others are, I could not stand this for more than a few years. I really don't see why one half of a partnership should be doing way more than half the work for mostof the time.

Kalisi · 04/12/2012 11:22

I'm afraid something doesn't sit right with me either OP. Hmm
I think your dh is more aware than you give him credit for.
So he shouted at dd for having a tantrum, then stormed off when you took over. He threw your dd tea in the bin when she didn't eat it all and then told you about it in her presence. He asks 'Where we have gone wrong" with dd behaviour despite the fact that he seems to have very little input in her actual upbringing. Sounds to me like he is having control issues with your daughter. He doesn't want to put in the graft but then gets shitty when she doesn't respect his authority. It also seems that he blames you. Personally I believe he thinks you are too soft on your daughter and these actions are his little passive aggressive 'stands'.
I could have got it completely wrong though Blush

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 04/12/2012 11:56

I agree with Kalisi about the passive-aggressiveness.

And I'm still Shock at his being embarrassed in front of his mate. That's the behaviour of an adolescent, not an adult.