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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think this is a little insensitive

43 replies

MurderOfGoths · 03/12/2012 02:26

It's DH's birthday tomorrow, and it's the only thing he really celebrates in the year. (Not religious so doesn't do Xmas, Hallowe'en, etc)

This year we invited a couple of friends over. Unfortunately all of them cancelled due to illness. Not the best news, but fair enough, it can't be helped.

Or so we thought.

Turns out that one of them was too ill to come round, but well enough to go out and buy himself a games console (one which he knows DH would love but can't afford). And well enough to go to someone else's birthday drinks. And then post online about how great both things were.

Bearing in mind this is the same bloke who my DH is on the phone to every single day, listening to him talk about whatever is bothering him, usually until 3am. The same bloke who has been none to phone 3 separate times in one day because he was feeling low.

DH has always made time for him. Even when I was ill during the pregnancy, even when my mother was ill, even when our DS was ill. DH has always made sure he has been there (obviously without neglecting us).

I sent him a message to point out that no matter whether he meant it maliciously by posting those things, he could have been more sensitive. Especially as he knew that DH was struggling really badly with mental health issues.And it's not like he has no understanding of mental illness himself, so he can't claim ignorance.

I'm sure this wasn't meant maliciously, DH agrees, but there really was no need to be so blatant about it all. I pointed out to him that all it would have taken would have been to not make these posts visible to DH.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2012 02:57

He sounds like a selfish user. He may not have meant it maliciously but it was thoughtless and a bit stupid. What is DH going to do moving forward? May I suggest not being quite so available.

Softlysoftly · 03/12/2012 03:33

Cut him off he's a liar and stupid to boot.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 03/12/2012 03:40

Thoughtless and Selfish your Dh should remember this when this friend needs him to chat too at late hours.
I hope you give your Dh a lovely birthday without that twat around.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 03/12/2012 03:41

what a prick!

i used to have a friend that lied about not being able to come to things. and i think she knew that i knew she was lying as she was saying it. i dont get why she didn't just stop seeing me altogether. but no, she still wanted to have the coffees on her day off as i was on mat leave so was the only person could meet her, or she wanted to go to this shop or that shop but couldn't drive so did i fancy going 'with' her? Hmm

WinklyVersusTheZombies · 03/12/2012 04:28

Could he reschedule with his real friends, and ditch this feckless user? Not having to listen to him moan three times a day can be your DH's birthday gift to himself.

Happy birthday MurderHusband

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2012 04:52

MurderHusband sounds scary. Grin

girlsyearapart · 03/12/2012 05:48

Yes really insensitive- if hes feeling ok enough to go & buy it he should at least offer to bring it to yours for your dh to have a try

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 06:58

He's a selfish arse and your husband would be best served by realising that and withdrawing from him.

MammaTJ · 03/12/2012 07:20

Has the 'friend' responded at all?

Original poster
MurderOfGoths · 03/12/2012 07:52

Nope, which is nice of him.

Unfortunately this guy is probably DH's only friend. He doesn't make friends easily. :(

OP posts:
TheShriekingHarpy · 03/12/2012 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 03/12/2012 08:59

Oh dear.

FivesAndNorks · 03/12/2012 09:04

What an idiit

VoiceofUnreason · 03/12/2012 09:06

Ah, be sure your Facebook status will find you out! The number of times people have said they can't come to somethng because they are ill and then forget they have said so and post what they were really doing on Facebook. Morons. But if we dared not go to something of theirs....

This isn't a friend. He's a user. I'd definitely cut him adrift.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 03/12/2012 09:22

Is someone who pretends to be sick so they don't have to spend time with you on your birthday, then shouts about having gone shopping and gone to spend time with someone else actually your friend though?

SantaWearsGreen · 03/12/2012 11:38

It sounds like he knows damn well he is your DHs only friend and is using that to his advantage. He knows that more than likely DH will always be there for him so he can do what the hell he likes to him. He is using him and walking all over him.

He was incredibly insensitive, and actually very stupid. If you are going to lie about why you can't go somewhere don't then give away the game by posting online where you really are. He evidently doesn't care about DHs feelings, he sounds like a jerk.

IWipeArses · 03/12/2012 11:49

He might find he makes friends more easily without this vampire in his life.
As shit as it is, better to realise sooner than later.

LRDtheFeministDude · 03/12/2012 11:58

I think he was more than a little insensitive and I think your response was very dignified and exactly right.

Your DH deserves something better than this.

FWIW, my DH, though he's never been shy, didn't have as close or big a circle of friends when I first met him - because the people he lived with were utter arseholes and put a lot of people off knowing him. As soon as he stopped spending so much time with the arseholes, he found it was much easier to make new friends. I wonder if it might be the same with your DH?!

LRDtheFeministDude · 03/12/2012 11:58

Ha! Cross post with IWipe, clearly great minds think alike.

IWipeArses · 03/12/2012 12:06
Smile
YuffieKisaragi · 03/12/2012 13:44

That's really insensitive and rude, I'm cross on your husavbdn's behalf! And yours of course.

My sister did similar to me, claimed she couldn't come to her nephews' christening but then went out that night. Thanks!

icclebabyjesusheave · 03/12/2012 13:48

What an arse. Not very bright either.

Basically, he lied about being ill so he could go and do something different. Thats a crappy thing to do.

Next time he calls and wants to speak for hours about his problems, I suggest your DH tells him he'd love to talk, but he's feeling ill. Include a couple of fake coughs for effect as well.

Original poster
MurderOfGoths · 03/12/2012 15:39

Not even a happy birthday message from this bloke today.

Just to make things even better DH's mum hasn't even wished him happy birthday Angry She phoned earlier to see if we were going to take DS round to hers, then when DH told her he didn't feel up to going out, she tried to make him feel guilty by going on about her not getting to see her grandson. Never mind that we saw her 3 days ago!

What the fuck is wrong with everyone right now?!

To rub salt into the wound DS will not stop screaming. No matter what we do. He's obviously overtired, but will not fall asleep.

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 03/12/2012 16:01
Angry Happy birthday Murders DH, from me, my DH and the two little Beyonds :)
Frontpaw · 03/12/2012 16:08

Is this 'friend' a bit thick then? Why did he not think that a) you'd see the post and b) you'd be pissed off?

It's up to your DH how to play it. You can't go all dragon on him, if he wants to forgive and forget.

Personally, I'd tell him to piss off amd play his Xbox next time he calls for advice or a shoulder to cry on.