Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FALLEN OUT WITH INLAWS

26 replies

Badgerdad · 03/12/2012 00:03

Fallen out with dw's mum, step dad, half sister & partner (now husband)

Sister/partner married in Cyprus. We couldn't go due to it being during dd's term time, couldn't afford it & didn't want to be in Cyprus during a very hot time of year with a five year old. Dw had previously told sister when dd was at school/on holiday

Torrent of abuse from sister during phonecall July 2011 when we explained we couldn't come. No support from mum so ended contact with her as well in Jan this year.

All we origionally wanted was an apology for the abuse, got a lot more serious now with zero contact & a nasty message from the sister after mum fall out.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDude · 03/12/2012 00:07

Is there backstory to this?

If there isn't (and I appreciate there usually is), then TBH I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Yes, your sister was wrong to be abusive on the phone when you turned down the wedding invitation. Yes, your mum perhaps could have been more supportive (though I can see why she'd want to stay out of it, too).

I don't really understand why you'd cut contact with both of them over this.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 00:10

Of course it's OK to talk/not talk to whoever you want, it's not compulsory to have contact with your family.

But it does sound to be a problem to you if you're getting upset about nasty messages from them, if you weren't bothered about them you'd be able to just brush them off as insignificant.

Unless it's the injustice of the situation which is biting you?

How does your DW feel about no contact? Was the break in contact more one of you than the other? (did you feel more strongly about it than her?).

Do you really think you'll get an apology? If you suspect not and would like to restart contact with them (if only for your DW) then it's probably best to drop that bit and work with what you have at the minute.

Difficult though.

mummydarkling · 03/12/2012 00:13

YANBU to want an apology BUT is this the time for making up? This happenned 17 months ago. We are only on this earth for a short and indeterminate time. Is there a aunt or uncle or cousin etc who would mediate?

Original poster
Badgerdad · 03/12/2012 00:16

Must admit it bugs me but more because I didn't get more off my chest about how utterly vile I think DW sister has treated her . DW does not want contact & no we dont expect an apology. Very messy & mil very much on sisters side.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 03/12/2012 00:16

It depends if you want to have contact in future or not? Is this sort of behaviour common?
Yes they should say sorry but it's been so long now I think it's clear it's never going to Happen.
If you want relationships mended your have to be the bigger adult here and make first move.

Bestof7 · 03/12/2012 00:16

Hmmm... Now, if you couldn't afford to go to the wedding, fair enough. However, I'm a bit Hmm about you mentioning not wanting to deal with the heat, which is one of the weakest excuses I've ever heard for missing a family event. Hopefully you didn't use that one with DSIL.

I suspect you just didn't want to go to the wedding. Which is slightly crap. Unless they have form for yelling at you both, in which case, no wonder you didn't want to go.

Does DW's family live abroad?

Original poster
Badgerdad · 03/12/2012 00:17

Dw dad/stepmum tried to mediate bless them but its didn't work

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 00:18

When was the last nasty message they sent you?

Is that the only contact at all since you fell out?

Original poster
Badgerdad · 03/12/2012 00:19

nasty message in early feb, no contact since

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 03/12/2012 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDude · 03/12/2012 00:23

So ... are you saying the 'vile' treatment is something else that happened?

Or do you mean, her response on the phone is what you're reacting to? If it's that, what on earth did she say?! I can't think of many things that'd merit that term with me (though there are a few, I grant you).

Your MIL is in a tough position, though. She shouldn't be expected to arbitrate.

And I do agree with the poster who queried you mentioning the heat in Cyprus.

I think you're perfectly entitled to turn down an invitation for whatever reason you choose, but people do get stressed out about weddings and there are politer/less polite ways to reply. Mentioning the weather being too hot wouldn't be one of them!

waltermittymistletoe · 03/12/2012 00:26

So your MIL tried to mediate yet you've cut contact?

You sound horrible! I hope there's a LOT more to this if you've cut them off from your children.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 00:28

The decision you have to make is whether you ever what contact with them again, and if you might at some point, is it only possibly not the right time at this moment and another time in the future you'll feel differently?

If you never want contact with them again because it'd mean a significant dip in how happy/content you are with your life without them, then let the anger and injustice of it all drop. They don't matter to you and you don't need to think of them again.

If they've provided help and support you've found useful in the past, and add significantly to your life on the whole, and their shitty parts are bad but can be overcome, why not make small steps to repairing a relationship you and your DW might value? Try again with the mediation? If they turn you down that's their call. Perhaps write a calm letter saying how you feel (without asking for an apology) don't accuse them, just start off from the day you write.

It's obviously still needling you so you need to do something or it'll carry on, and what would the point of that be?

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 00:29

I think the DWs dad and step mum tried to mediate with the DW mum and step dad walter.

Not horrible at all.

piprabbit · 03/12/2012 00:29

walter I think it was the FIL who tried to mediate, it sounds like DW's parents have both remarried.

waltermittymistletoe · 03/12/2012 00:33

Oops sorry Blush misread!

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 00:38

'Tis a complicated set up - same as the rest of us Grin

waltermittymistletoe · 03/12/2012 00:41

Agent Grin

NapaCab · 03/12/2012 00:50

We're in a similar position but on the opposite side of having neither of DH's siblings come to our wedding. It was 5 years ago and we cut off contact with both of them at the time but now we've re-establishd contact with his sister as she has reached out the olive branch to us since we had our DC. His brother is a different story though. He never apologized for not showing at the wedding. He was supposed to be groomsman but just accused my DH of owing him money a couple of months before the wedding (not true) and then went silent. We heard nothing from him although he was supposed to be still coming to the wedding as far as we knew. The morning of the wedding apparently he tried to call DH to say he wouldn't be there but couldn't reach him (wonder why?) and then tried to blame DH for not taking the call (we were kinda busy that day). Amazingly DH's parents backed him on this and said we were being unreasonable at the time so we cut contact with them too for about a year. It was a really horrible time.

I felt especially unwelcome in the family as one of the reasons the sister gave for not traveling to the wedding (a 1 hour flight + 3 hour drive) was that she didn't want to go to my country. It really felt like the whole family just rejected me as the sister and brother had been to each others' weddings. What was worst at the time was that I had the impression that the real reason was that neither sibling wanted to travel as they had young DC and couldn't really afford it anyway but instead of just saying that and being as polite and nice as possible about it, they turned it into a personal thing and were rude.

We have tried to make peace where we can but DH's brother is a lost cause as he was so awful, it made us realize he's not a person worth knowing. He had always been bullying to DH anyway, trying to belittle his achievements etc.

So that's probably what you need to do Badgerdad: decide whether it's worth making amends with the family and if not then just accept that relationship is over. Forget the nasty letters or e-mails and just move on with your life.

Original poster
Badgerdad · 03/12/2012 00:56

Thanks all for advice & replies. Yes it bugs me & i wish i could forget about it, the wife is indifferent & of the opinion it had been brewing for a long while (lots of other other bad stuff had happened before involving mil/stepdad & sister)

I have to say the weather thing was NOT mentioned when we declined to attend the wedding.

Longer term I cant see anything changing but never say never!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 01:03

If you can never say never but you don't think it's going to resolve itself in the near future, every time you can feel it starting to wind you up just box it up in your mind to be sorted out at another time (hopefully never because you'll probably forget the details given time).

What's said and done have been said and done, you can't change them. But you can change how you feel about them now (that sounds soo lame Grin) decide to not let them get to you.

Being upset about it won't make a jot of difference. Your DW is indifferent (a great place to be in such a situation), give her your attention rather than them Smile

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2012 01:04

'but never say never! '

And that says a lot of positive things about you as a person IMO.

pigletmania · 03/12/2012 01:52

YANBU at all, you choose to get married abroad you have to accept that not everyone will be able to come. There is no need to treat you like that

HollyBerryBush · 03/12/2012 07:33

If she lives in Cyprus, then perhaps DH could have gone alone

If it's one of those weddings where everyone is expected to change their plans and shell out loads of money going abroad for Bridezilla, then no YANBU Grin

diddl · 03/12/2012 08:53

I don´t get why wife didn´t go alone to her sister´s wedding tbh.

If it was possible & wife just didn´t want to, I´m not surprised sister was upset.

Although being abusive about it isn´t acceptable.

Why should MIL take sides between adult sisters??

I think it was odd that you fell out with her.

But if your wife doesn´t care-why do you?

Is it because you didn´t get to "say your piece"?

I don´t really like my ILs & tolerate them for my husband´s/children´s sake.

If he decided to never contact them again, I wouldn´t give a flying fuck tbh.