To not want to eat out with in-laws on Boxing Day

[lecce]

I have been with dh for 10 years and for 8 of those we have had at least some members of his family over on Christmas day (divorced parents who get on well, an unmarried aunt and an unmarried sister). I always prefer the idea of it just being me, dh and the dc but dh feels obliged to invite his family as they are all single and likely to be alone/in a miserable pair if they were not invited to us.

I have accommodated this but the usual petty resentments have built up - mil always manages to mae it pretty clear she feels we go way over-the-top with children's presents (we get a lot of second-hand stuff and don't get into debt) and my table decorations are seen as silly (I assume) and pushed aside to make way for carrier bags of stuff. Presents for the dc have been given while I have been in the kitchen cooking. I find it a bit rude but, despite all that, we usually have a good enough time and I really appreciate the fact that I have never been asked to not be at home for the day as I would hate that.

This year we ae due to move (solicitor says could still be before Christmas) and will have stuff in boxes where ever we are. Dh has therefore told his family that we will not be hosting this year and said that we would like to go to one of them to see everyone on Boxing Day.

Mil has said suggested eating out. I really don't want to, mainly because of the cost. We are moving - an expensive process - and the car recently had to have a new engine. We eat out a handful of times a year as we can't afford to do so more often and I don't really want this to be one of them. We have hosted everyone for 8 years (providing all food and drink except 1 or 2 bottles of wine and the odd pudding - they are not big drinkers.) Is it too much to expect someone to host us for a change?

It is relevant to know that mil is fit and well and leads an active life. Sil has ms and is disabled - she enjoys hosting family meals but it is really down to her parents to do the work when she does so. Both fil and mil are very well off financially so that is not an issue. Surely between them they could bung a few sandwiches together? Dh finds it impossible to say no to his mother (and his sister) and doesn't want to say that this doesn't suit.

AIBU?

Yanbu

I would say "that's very generous to offer to take us out. Obviously you've picked up on the fact the move has been expensive. Thanks so much"

YANBU to not want to, but if they aren't inviting you to a meal that they want to host then there's not much you can do about it. You can't force them to do sandwiches or cook for you.

Maybe you could suggest that everyone brings something for a buffet type meal to keep costs down instead? Is there a chance that if they don't want to take up the suggestion then they will offer to pay?

Say "we couldn't afford that" and see what happens. If no offer is forthcoming, suggest a buffet and you'll bring the

Yy, get MIL to pay!

Oh good - I have had a few il-related threads over the years and usually get flamed. Glad to see I may NBU this time .

Problem is dh is so reluctant to say anything other than "Yes, lovely!" to any of her plans. I would be more than happy if she paid and that was our Christmas present.

just say, we can't really afford to eat out on boxing day. then pause, to see what she replies?

is she nearby? what are you doing on xmas day? are you moving far?

I would just say "Thanks for the invitation but we can't afford to eat out this month. Maybe we can have a family get together later in the year?"

Christmas Day we will be at home just the four of us. Has only happened once before and probably won't again for a long time. They are all a 90minute drive away and I really don' t want to spend 3 hours of Christmas Day on the road, especially when our dc are still so young (5&3) - would seriously spoil the day.

Do you speak to your Mil yourself ever, or does it always go through your DH? If you get the opportunity to speak to her, ask her, or tell her, yourself.

Hermione has the best suggestion me thinks. Could tag on the end 'that would be great as I will be able to totally relax and see my children open their presents for the first time in eight years'. Keep us posted! :-)

Making it your present is a nice idea.

Just say you can't afford it if you can't afford it. It's a common enough problem these last few years! If they offer to pay, or offer to host, then go along. If not, say we look forward to seeing you all in the new year.

Yes, love Hermione's suggestion. If you have to, though, say straight out that you can't afford it and then ask if they would be able to do you some sandwiches?

Since you've hosted and paid for all their Christmas Day food for the last eight years, the least they could do is pay for you.

However, if they don't, then you don't have to go and you might just get a lovely Christmas.

I should be honest OP and tell your MIL that you really can't afford it but would be most happy to accpet it as a Christmas present.

As many other posters have said, just be honest and say you can't afford it. Hopefully MIL will offer to pay (as she should) to repay you for all the lovely Christmases you have hosted. Please don't add any sarcastic/clever comment like "happy to accept as Christmas present". If she wants to do so she will make it clear. Do not be bamboozled into paying for something you don't want to do - moving is expensive and you seem to make great efforts to live within your means. But decline with grace.

BTW, congratulations on your new home and I'm sure you have a lovely Christmas even amongst your boxes.

YANBU
Do as Hermione suggests, don't let your DH make the arrangements though, do it yourself directly with your MIL.