To not know if I want more children?

[sparklyjumper]

People ask me all the time, are you going to have anymore. My answer, I just don't know but I doubt it.

I don't really feel in a position financially, emotionally, relationship wise to bring another baby into the world. I also don't know if I want to go back to sleepless nights, projectile vomitting changing nappies every couple of hours, I like to be able to do what I want, and I can, within reason, do this with one child, I like nice things and to be able to give ds nice things, and I can just about do this with one. I find being a parent hard work, challening and demanding. And I don't like what pregnancy does to my body, I just about survived unscathed but don't think I could take it again I kind of like my body the way it is.

But then, I do love babies, ds was the best decision I've ever made, I did really enjoy pregnancy and even strangely enough labour. I feel slightly envious of people with more than one child. I get rather broody (hate that word) when I see or hold a baby. I'm drawn to friends and families children and always want a cuddle or to chat to them. I can imagine myself in years to come with a few grown up children ringing me up and coming round for tea or for Xmas.

Wish it was all easy and money was no object I'd probably have a brood. Think my hormones are playing me up as I feel torn between yearning for another child and running a mile because I want to be free.

I didn't properly know after one, had the second and decided absolutely no more. Not like I regret DC2 for a minute, but I was the same as you, didn't like the effects of pregnancy, wasn't sure how DC1 would take it etc. I'm sure you've got plenty of time to decide, but even if you don't have anymore, im sure you'll be happy forever with your DS

Oh my, that should read 'any more children' not just 'anymore'. It looks like I'm saying you don't have anymore time to have children.
Sorry!!

It's ok I understood what you meant.

I do have time, years but not years and years.

I feel like if I don't soon though I definitely won't want to because there will be a huge gap and it will be like starting again.

I'm in the same position, OP. My baby son is completely fabulous, and I adore him, and have a great partner, but I have found the period since his birth exhausting and demoralising, and it has royally screwed up my professional life for a bunch of complicated reasons which mean it is not possible for me to return to my job. Also, I am 40, so no time to dither.

Maybe read "Three Socks, One Shoe and No hairbrush".

Some people find it depressing but I found it a pretty truthful description of my experience

YANBU. I have two,and completely and utterly staisfied at just them and don't want anymore. I've done the whole puking and waking in the middle of the night thing twice over,and I don't want it anymore. If I did accidentally become pregnant though I don't know how I'd feel, as I've just started to get my life back, if you know what I mean. I've just started to find me again now they're both at school and I'd feel torn if I was pregnant

Just googled that book and only read the blurb and a few of the reviews but it makes me think that actually I probably want all of the nice bits of having a child and none of the hard work, not literally but some hard bits are exaggerated when there's less money, less space and so on. Also ds has been a bit of a breeze and I've still found it hard at times.

I just blundered into it - never knew there was a book!

Lots of people have one child - it's really up to you (sorry that doesn't really help) but I am just so amazed there is a book about having a second baby!

Why not write a book about managing two? I think that was the author's point.

From the cover:

"Many discover to their surprise that the shift from one to two can be just as life-changing as the shift from none to one. Having two children is different in almost every respect, but until now there has been very little information, advice or support for second-time mothers."

I personally have found two a lot harder- others dont. I love mine as individuals but struggle with the logistics, noise and the fighting. Lots of people say their eldest gazed loving at the baby as soon as they were born, etc etc but I had to deal with a lot of jealousy issues and that's not a lot of fun.

It's getting better and I'm sure I'll reap the rewards in time but I find the times I have 1:1 time with mine really easy relatively to throwing myself between two children who won't stop trying to hit, yank, pull, kill each other.

At other times they do play nicely together and it's a beautiful thing but if I had to give one piece of advice about having two I'd say don't do it if you don't have much space.

This probably sounds a little unbelievable but I actually didn't notice a huge change with having one. He just slotted in like he'd always been there, he spent most of the first year smiling or asleep and I didn't mind the nappies or the flying wee because it was all new and a novelty. I always had a boring life anyway so I was mostly still able to carry on and do all of the things I used to anyway.

I found the toddler stage much harder but got through it, it's only now I've developed a bunch of new interests but still juggle everything fairly nicely. But that nagging urge and the clock ticking doesn't really go away.

YANBU to not know... you are allowed to take your time to make such an important decision. The people asking are probably just making small talk and not intending to put you under pressure to know the answer. Just shrug and say 'maybe'.

In case it helps, I found going from 1 to 2 a real shock, much harder than 0 to 1. DC1 was an easy baby, I went back to work and got my life back. DC2 was much harder work - a very different personality - and it took me ages to come to terms with the change to my life, as I gave up my old job.

FWIW, 2 to 3 was a doddle in comparison and I'm now pg with DC4, so can't be all bad! But I still sometimes wonder how my life would be if we had stuck at one child - I'd still have a career, we'd be a lot better off financially, and DC1 would still be the lovely boy he is. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm going to have a big family... I love them all to bits - but it does come at a price and you'd be a fool not to consider each additional child very carefully.

Good luck in thinking it through.

Wow 4, see that sounds amazing but also really hard.

I don't think I will have anymore, but do wonder if I'll look back one day and regret it as I can get through hard work but you can't get the time back can you?

True. You might regret it- I don't regret having my two but my life has changed for the harder at the moment so I'm in the thick of it (and battling fatigue, stress) and unlikely to give an entirely balanced view.

Don't do it to give your DS a sibling because they might not get on. Do it because you would like the experience of looking after two distinct individuals and developing relationships with each of them.

Well so far I only have 3 and a large bump, but it is indeed amazing and hard.

The thing is, there isn't just one right decision in life. If you go for DC2, of course you'd get through the work and benefit from all the lovely bits. But if you don't, you'll have different advantages - it is much easier to arrange your work and other parts of your life, less expensive, more time to give to your one DC, etc.

How old is your DS? Maybe planning future fun times you'll have with him might help you feel happier about not wanting another ( / yet). How old are you? Can you give it another 6 months before you even think about making a decision. Sometimes time sort of makes the choice for you (well it did for me). What does your DP think?

YANBU
A few of the friends I made first time round are now on their second and my DS is now 2 and I'm thinking I'll be the only one with one!
I'm 40 so it's kind of a 'now or never' but I'm scared of having no money, crippling childcare, jealousy issues, fewer opportunities for promotion at work (because I don't have the energy to work harder!) and all of that crazy first year stuff again. The only reasons to actually consider another one for me is that 'what if...?', that feeling of being left out and the risk of DS resenting our choice to keep him an only child one day. None of them seems a good enough reason to do it!
It's such a hard decision...

Selfish Reasons to Have More Children is a good read for anyone who ends up with more than 2 (like me!). One of its messages being that you should consider not just how many children you would like NOW, but how many you would like when you are 60/70/80 etc. Sure, babies are hard but older ones are easier and grow up to help you with the shopping/plumbing etc!!!

Yes you will probably regret it if you don't have another as you are thinking about it! It is nice to have a sibling too - it would be nice for your ds. Having two is a whole different ball game to one and hard work but I love seeing my two together and I love that they have each other too.