To say it's not "love" if it's unrequited or you're not in a relationship?

[Alittlestranger]

I don't think you can truly say it's love and you need to be together if you're not together. It's just hope, excitement, hormones.

Not that those aren't reason enough or no one would ever have a second date, but some people are far too grandiose about their feelings.

I want to eye roll when I read "I've been secretly in love with another man for ten years, I see him once a year at Christmas, should I tell him/DH?" etc.

YANBU. At the time it felt like love to me but now i look back it was infatuation. For myself and the people I've met who've felt 'unrequited love' it's been infatuation-a massive crush that you build into something else. And in every case we've built the other person into being our 'ideal person' as opposed to who they are. Not really known them and overlooked flaws as well.

It's not that it doesn't feel real though and it hurts, but it isn't love-it's infatuation and in some cases, obsession. I ended up dating my unrequited love and the reality was very different from what i had been 'loving over' for years. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt or feel real at the time, but quite simply once you get past it you can recognize it for what it is.

Although in terms of 'not in a relationship', I think sometimes if you are FWB you can start developing stronger feelings and again build them up in your head. Because you are shagging them, makes it all the wose.

I don't think love has to be reciprocated to be felt tbh.

What is love?

i've still to decide what love is so i'm on the fence.

although this has reminded me of my teenage boyfriend. he used to say "my love for you is unconditional" in an angry accusatory way. i got very confused why he was so upset by that until i realised he meant unrequited. i tried to explain to him that he was using the wrong word but he wouldn't have it and got even more angry. it got to the point where every time he said it i couldn't hold in the laughter. harsh, but i couldn't help it.

I can see what you mean bit I don't think an actual sexual relationship is necessary for love. I think it is possible to fall in love with a good friend or a colleague you work closely with. I don't think it is possible to fall in love with someone you've only met a couple of times or whom you only see once a year. I think the suggestion that you can undervalues what love actually is.

I'm with missymooobviously you need first to define love.
So alittle perhaps first you can outline what exactly are your criteria for saying that something is or is not love.

Tricky isnt it...love is ineffable, wide ranging and nebulous, it sounds as if you want to try and pin it down to a certain limited set of circumstances that you personally approve of.

Love and infatuation are sometime difficult to seperate. Years ago I thought i was in love with Doris Day...Now she prefers animals.to men

perhaps the op feels that love is a term that ought to be reserved for situations where feelings are reciprocal and both parties have a deep and longstanding connection?

I think I just sort of feel that to be in love there needs to be something dynamic going on, it can't all be a one way street. That in my view is infatuation.

I'm on the fence as to whether there has to be a sexual relationship, I think you probably can fall in love with a colleague etc before it develops sexually, but I think there has to be something reciprocal going on and I think you have to be honest that there is something shallow (not in the negative sense) and untested about that connection. I don't though think admiring from afar can count as love.

Whats the difference between love and infatuation then.

If both parties are infatuated with each other then would you call it love? If you would then why is the meaning different when its only one side feeling it? If you wouldn't then whats the 'line' to be crossed where you would accept it is love

I suppose it becomes love when you are actually honest and intimate with each other and know each other's real full selves, not just the public face. If you are just impressed by somebody's humour and the way their eyes twinkle at you when you're flirting and on your best behaviour around each other, it's only a facade and therefore infatuation.

i dont think it's possible to objectively define love...it's inherantly subjective, if i feel that i'm in love, then i'm in love.
I cant speak for others and theycant speak for me, my definition of love is valid for me and i cant directly access any one elses experience of love

I think even going by the replies on this thread there are many perceptions of what love is. To look at someone elses situation and say they aren't in love is to judge it by your own views not theirs.

I guess thats like telling someone that their favourite colour isn't red because yours is blue.

As mercury says its subjective.

Missy i like your colour analogy :o

A rare philosophical moment. Make the most of it, it won't happen again for a while

I think it might well be love even if the other person has no idea who you are. However, what is important is that loving someone does not mean they owe you anything whatsoever. It's simply a fortunate coincidence when people fall in love with each other.

Besides, a person who is not in a relationship with someone might actually know that person better than somebody who is- for instance in the case of a longstanding friendship where one of the friends is in love with the other. Being in a relationship doesn't (sadly) give you instant access to some kind of deepened understanding of another person: some people can live together for many years and still know very little about one another.

Dh and I split up when he had been together for a little over a year because he did not think he really loved me. I did not push my attentions at him- as SGB says, being in love doesn't give you any rights over another person and I knew that. But neither did my feelings suddenly turn into something else on his say-so. That was a right he did not have, to dictate what another person should feel. All he could reasonably expect was for me to behave with dignity. And I did.

Again, when we then got back together 18 months later, my feelings weren't any different to what they had been a week previously when I was still unhappy because of my unrequited love. He changed, I didn't. Imo we both had the right to our own feelings, as long as we could agree to behave with consideration and dignity.

of course it can be love if only one person is involved. Same as if one person falls out of love with the other and breaks up with them.. the other is still in love right? I am not responsible for anyone elses feelings I can't make someone love me back .

Yabu

Love doesn't have to be reciprocated to be love.