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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting fed up with this?

43 replies

ginmakesitallok · 30/11/2012 15:01

For the past 5 years dds friend has come home with us on a friday, they play, I feed them , take them to brownies, pick them up again, run friend home and finally get home around 9. No thanks anymore. Aibu to be getting fed up?

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 30/11/2012 18:51

(Sorry about the mix up)

So how far out of your way is it to take her DD home? (I'm totally confused now!)

sleeplessinsuburbia · 30/11/2012 18:53

If you don't want to I'd say to the mum when you drop her off "just letting you know that I'm planning on taking a break from droning the girls to brownies after christmas, it's starting to wear me down". Things like this get complicated if you over think it. It will be a shock to the other mum's system but that's life.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 30/11/2012 18:53

They live an extra 5 miles the other way - so adds 10 miles to my trip, sorry to confuse!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 30/11/2012 18:55

Not that it really matters.

If I was her (and I can't imagine ever being, but you know if something happened and I couldn't get my child to a club or something myself) and you were doing this for me I would be regularly asking you if you were still OK with it, giving you some money/petrol vouchers, bottles of wine - generally showing my appreciation.

On the other hand, if I was in your situation I would ignore the lack of thanks/appreciation from her parents and decide if I wanted to do this for the little girl or not - as it wont change what her parents do (nothing) if you stop doing it, but it will mean she can't go - so I'd base my decision on that. Do it for her, not them, iyswim.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 30/11/2012 18:55

How about you are hard up and need to economise on petrol.....

So the other mother "chooses not to drive". Choices have consequences..... she needs to know this....

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 30/11/2012 18:58

Oh, that's what I thought but then you said you'd be doing most of the 18 miles for your DD anyway, so I thought I must have had it wrong! LOL

10 miles is quite a lot of time and petrol money (it would cost me about £3.50) so I guess it depends if you can afford it, in both time & money too.

How much does your DD enjoy having her friend after school and going to Brownies with her - would your DD be bothered if this arrangement stopped?

PuppyMonkey · 30/11/2012 19:04

This reminds me of a situation DP got into.

When DD1 was in Year 6, at least 4 of her mate's parents started dropping them off at our house in the morning, about 7.30am and they'd all stay here till school time. DP would keep eye on them here and then often walk them to school (15 mins away) or give them a lift if raining. Like you, he didn't really mind (self employed so could choose his own hours) - and he was here/would have to walk our DD down anyway.

Not one of those parents thanked him.

One did say something along the lines of "do you like red or white wine?" when they finished primary. No wine ever materialised though.

He did a nice thing, which meant those parents could go off to work etc early, and they never even thanked him.

girlgonemild · 30/11/2012 19:21

It is a bit rubbish on their part not to say thanks but I think you should just carry on doing it (and maybe polish your halo from time to time ).

I used to go to a friends house before dance class, my mum hosted a few times, but we ended up always going to my friends because they were richer, had a cool house, a tv and better snacks! Take it as a compliment that DD and her friend enjoy the arrangement as it is.

sweetkitty · 30/11/2012 19:31

Happened to me I offered to take a friends DD to Brownies as my friend didn't drive and I do and was going there anyway. Friend used to moan who difficult age found it doing homework/dinner/Brownies that her MIL did a 20 mile round trip to help out, do the 2 of them were sitting in the house (MIL drove) whilst I took her DD there with my other 3 DC tagging along.

duffybeatmetoit · 30/11/2012 19:36

I've had the opposite problem. Neighbour occasionally invites DD in to play with her DD, mostly gives her something to eat. She had only once taken up offer of having her DD although I have asked many times. I tried to offset how guilty I felt by buying presents for them at xmas but after a couple of years I overheard her saying that she didn't like me doing it because she felt awkward.

Feels like I can't win. I don't want to always be on the receiving end so I now just avoid them. DD sees her DD at school so hasn't appeared to miss the visits.

I think the suggestion of not being available on a few occasions would clarify things for the OP.

PurpleKittyKnitting · 30/11/2012 20:36

That's a pain! Very hard to know what to do!

We don't drive, and our daughter goes to Girls Brigade. For the last 2 years she has had a lift to and from this from her friend's mum, and they also take her to church on Sundays. When they can't do it, she just gets the bus there and a leader brings her back. This week, the friend wasn't going but the mum said she would still take her!

We really appreciate it, I was very surpised this week and checked she was sure seeing as she wasn't even taking her own daughter! We sometimes have her daughter over for tea and I do a bit of baking for them every now and then to try and show our appreciation.

She is very lovely, earlier this year our daughter went on a school trip to Germany, bus picking up from school about 10.30. We had it all planned to get the bus up, wave her off and get a taxi back. She then offered to take us, and to pick up when the trip finished but that ended up being too late and I instisted she shouldn't do it

Sorry, that went on a bit!!

Fakebook · 30/11/2012 20:48

I'm glad I have the ability to say "no". My dsis would be gullible enough to be used as a doormat like this. Normally, when people like you, OP, say "no" finally, you do it so spectacularly that you end up being labelled as a bitch!

If you're having doubtful Nagging feelings about this, then make your excuses and stop this stupidity. You say it's important for your dd to meet her friend, but you're setting her a bad example, that its okay to do so much for someone, and invite and give, but not get a thank you back in return? Friendships are two sided, not one.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 30/11/2012 20:53

Wow. I've never been called a doormat! If you knew me you would know that I am far from a doormat!

I'm just being grumpy - it's no real hassle for me and makes life easier for Df's Mum, so I'll just keep on doing it...

OP posts:

drcrab · 30/11/2012 20:58

Oh dear. Know how you feel though. It's got to do with reciprocity. I do this with a friend who doesn't drive. I take my DS and her DS to an activity. I leave my other child with her and her other child during that time.

It's a win win for both sides - the boys get to hang out and so do the girls. I pay for petrol but she pays in other ways.

Fakebook · 30/11/2012 21:26

it's no real hassle for me and makes life easier for Df's Mum, so I'll just keep on doing it...

So why have you started a thread on AIBU stating you're "fed up", if you WANT to carry on doing it? Either do it happily, or stop doing it so you don't need to backbite your Dd's friend's parents for not saying thanks.

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 30/11/2012 21:49

Because I was being grumpy earlier on.....Can't I just keep on doing it begrudgingly??

OP posts:

Original poster

ginmakesitallok · 30/11/2012 21:49

fuck - I AM a doormat!! Who'd have guessed??

OP posts:

sleeplessinsuburbia · 01/12/2012 02:43

Good people are exploited all the time. I have perfected the act of being breezily confident, almost nonchalant, when I turn people down. I never give an excuse, just a "no, not my style/not really interested" etc. it's served me well. The other mum assumes you'll continue, just let her know that after christmas you've decided to stop.

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