To ask for witty retorts

[Dogsmom]

I'm 26 wks pregnant and seem to be official public property, I'm getting to the stage of telling people to just fuck off but don't really want to lose friends or customers (self employed)

So I thought I'd ask fellow MN'ers for some witty responses to a couple of situations that keep cropping up.

1- Random bump touching/stroking without asking, final straw was at the weekend when SiL got on her knees in a room full of people at a family do with a hand either side of my bump fat and was talking loudly to the baby.

2- 'Was it planned/an accident' (I'm 37, married and been ttc for 3 years)

3- Childbirth is no worse than earache/toothache.

Vivienne I have ZERO patience with the idea pregnant women should tolerate strangers touching their bumps. In what other context would any person be expected to allow touching by strangers? None! And there is nothing about pregnancy that alters things.

Some great responses, I love the one about being prodded and about to fart, lol and falling on a penis.

I was going to suggest immaculate conception to 2 but openerofjars beat me to it.

I do prefer the sticking pins through condom one though.

I've never had someone touch the bump without requesting first! Perhaps i just manage to emit a an air of 'keep away from my bump you fucking freaks' that makes people know i'll not welcome it.

The pain issue - my BIL does this. He was told that his kidney pain was worse than child birth and constantly reminds me of this. I'm sure it was horrific (he still has kidney problems and it really isn't a picnic for him so not undermining his pain) he just always manages to make it come across that women are pathetic for needing pain relief as it's not as bad as what he went through so it's no worse than a bit of trapped wind and we should all just aknowledge that he knows better (he's like this with everything though and just really winds me up)

1. Look at them quizzically and ask why they're touching your cushion. Tell them all about your 'special' cushion, say you've never been parted with it and take it everywhere. Pat their stomachs and tell the, their cushions are shit.

2. "I don't know, just waiting on Jeremy Kyle replying to my text."

3. "I'm going to give the pain relief a go anyway, I heard G&A is better than crack!" followed by a wink.

Tell them I mean!