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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About playground politics

24 replies

WicketWoo · 29/11/2012 23:27

The most ridiculous situation has arisen with parents at school....

About 10 months ago, my daughter and 2 of her friends were at a party. They had a bit of a friendship triangle going on where they each got left out and would come home upset about it, the usual for 4/5 year olds. Anyhooo at this party one of the girls dads was there and got really really cross about his daughter being upset and ended up rowing with the parents of the other daughter about it over the next day or two. As a result they said their daughter wasn't allowed to play with the other girl. (No idea how my daughter wasn't also snubbed btw as in my opinion all 3 were as bad!). They have maintained this for the past 10 months with the mum snubbing the poor little 5 year old girl and it clearly knocks her confidence. My daughter and the snubbed girl have got closer and the other girl has made other friends so, rather ridiculous and imo cruel of the parents to continue it, but life is largely carrying.

Anyway, now the poor snubbed little girl is getting really upset because if there's a group game with her and the girl who isn't allowed to be her friend the other girl just won't let her play so she is understandably upset. Given that this is presumably acceptable behaviour to the girl with the angry/unreasonable parents she clearly doesn't see that she is being a bully.

I therefore sent a text to the mum of the girl to tell her that this was happening on the basis that she surely doesn't want her child to be a bully. I haven't received a response and I'm not looking forward to awkwardness on the school run tomorrow. So advice please wise mumsneters, what should I do now and how do I deal with this tomorrow, assuming there is going to be awkwardness?

I'm posting this on my phone, and don't seem able to review it before I post so apologies for typos/grammar!

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 29/11/2012 23:30

You stuck your nose in, sent a text based on what you think, to advise a parent on, well, how to parent, and you want to wiggle out of any "awkwardness"
scuse me while I pee myself laughing
Come back and tell us how that goes won't you?
Unless "poor snubbed little girl" is your DD, keep out of it - no good ever comes of sticking your oar into someone else's parenting "situation" especially in public in the schoolyard.

Mrsjay · 29/11/2012 23:34

these kids are 5 years old and you are sticking your oar in and texting the mother why couldnt you have spoken to her, good luck tomorrow, no advice just to say they are 5 YEARS OLD kids fall out

Original poster

WicketWoo · 29/11/2012 23:34

Fair comment and in line with my DHs thoughts. It just feels wrong that the other mum won't know how her daughter is behaving as she's not going to go home and tell her and she won't even acknowledge the other mum let alone have a reasonable discussion. Whilst I would probably feel a little defensive at the text I think I'd at least try to see why it was done and want my child to be kind. And no it's not my daughter who is the snubbed one b

OP posts:

missymoomoomee · 29/11/2012 23:35

You sent a text advising someone on how to deal with their childs behaviour on the basis that surely she doesn't want her child to be a bully...my advice would be to go back in time and not send the text

In all honesty unless you want things to be super awkward you should maybe just apologise for overstepping the mark. I would be furious if I received a text like that tbh.

Original poster

WicketWoo · 29/11/2012 23:36

I couldn't speak to her as I don't do the school run very often. I genuinely thought the text would help! I do completely agree that they are 5 and they will fall out hence the exasperation with the whole situation

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 29/11/2012 23:38

I think suggesting the girl is a bully was harsh I bet the mother is either furious or upset with you why are you all interfering in a fall out with little girls you are all making it much much worse , I hope it blows over but i think you really over stepped the mark on this,

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/11/2012 23:41

You need to stay out of it and make sure the school are aware. If they are good on pastoral care, they won't allow a child to say they aren't allowed to play with another child while at school. What happens out of school is different, but in school, it shouldn't be allowed.

Original poster

WicketWoo · 29/11/2012 23:43

I didn't suggest she was a bully in the text to the other mum. I just said that she wasn't letting the other girl play which was causing a lot of upset and I'm sure she wouldn't want that, I know her quite well and really can't see that she'd want that. I actually get on with both the other mums so felt like I could try and help.

I accept the mumsnet advice though and will duly apologise and step away from the phone when I feel I can help in future! Thank you all for the honest opinions.

OP posts:

thetrackisback · 29/11/2012 23:43

My neighbour gave me advice and that is not to get involved. It's up to snubbed girls parents to sort it out maybe by working with the school. Text messages are rubbish. It always seems much worse written down than if said face to face. I think you may need to bite the bullet tomorrow or hide behind the bike sheds until she's gone!

Mrsjay · 29/11/2012 23:44

I accept the mumsnet advice though and will duly apologise and step away from the phone when I feel I can help in future! Thank you all for the honest opinions.

I know you didnt do it to cause a fuss apologise say I hope these little girls can sort it out but do try and stay out of their squabbles in future I know it is hard when a child is upset,

Original poster

WicketWoo · 29/11/2012 23:53

I've always been a "let the kids sort it out" kind of mum but its so hard when a set of parents have put themselves in the middle of it and made it personal against a 5 year old. Even though its not my child I want to keep shouting "SHE'S 5!" She's little and lovely, in need of a little direction with friendships maybe but no more than the other 2. Any wise advice on how to stop the other parents being so rotten to her? (not by text perhaps!)

OP posts:

Loveweekends10 · 30/11/2012 01:50

I'm afraid this is a process that kids especially girls go through. If you are doing this when they are 5 god help you when they get to 13!
The kids usually sort these things in my experience. Sometimes school needs to step in but when parents get involved directly it gets very difficult.
No mother on earth would receive a text from another parent indicating their child is a bully and take it well. Get real.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 30/11/2012 03:24

Well this situation is slightly different in that one set of parents is already intervening- by banning their daughter from playing with snubbed girl, so it possibly won't sort itself out as her parents are actively encouraging it. However, a text was completely the wrong approach, as it always is in any situation requiring a smidge of diplomacy. This was definitely a face to facer

Whistlingwaves · 30/11/2012 04:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellatioNelson · 30/11/2012 04:29

What RMPMBT said. the parents sound like childish arises themselves, but honestly, you should have kept out of it, or at least had a diplomatic word face to face.

Byecklove · 30/11/2012 04:47

Sorry but I disagree with the majority. We're going through different playground antics with our 5 year old DS. Lots of rough and tumble, politics about who plays with who, and groups ganging up on other children. All natural and just a way of them all finding out where they stand. The difference to your situation is in the parents. We have all discussed the situation and tell each other if anything sticks out as over-the-top or bullying, or if any child seems particularly upset. I know that you have a different set up with snub-mum (and she sounds likely she doesn't mind that she's upsetting the other girl?) but if any of my children was involved in upsetting another child, I would want to know. Not even to tell them off as we don't often get the full picture. More to have a chat withe them and nip any potential nastiness in the bud.

So I do think it's okay to say something in theory (probably not text) but that all depends in the relationship you have with the mother. As that doesn't sound great, see how t

Byecklove · 30/11/2012 04:51

(bloody fat fingers)

See how tomorrow goes. She may surprise you. If she's not at all understanding, I'd inform the school, as suggested upthread. They're only little and sometimes need a bit of guidance.

Whistlingwaves · 30/11/2012 05:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

WicketWoo · 30/11/2012 06:35

Thanks to you all. I have learnt my lesson not to use texts for stuff like this, good rule of thumb whoever posted about when a situation needs diplomacy to do it face to face. I do think the situation is slightly different to usual because the parents are already involved. It looks like involving the school will be the right approach. I just thought I could help using the fact that I do get on with both the other mums. I have texted the mum (last one I promise) to apologise if I overstepped the mark and caused her upset so hopefully that will help a little

Best wake the kids up and go do that school run. Wish me luck!

OP posts:

RaspberrySchnapps · 30/11/2012 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 30/11/2012 07:20

This is what happens when parents interfer with their child's friendships. My mum used to do that when I was the same age, and basically children on our street would not talk to me or be my friend. Unless there is bullying arents should not be involved

Floggingmolly · 30/11/2012 09:47

How much contact does the girl in question have with the other girls parents?
You say they are "being rotten" to her, but surely her own mother is around at the same time as they are?
It's not actually your battle to fight.

Original poster

WicketWoo · 30/11/2012 10:21

Just to close my postings on the thread. I saw the other mum and said hello but that's it. I'm going to stay out of it and let the girls battle on together. It feels like a complete shame that I can't somehow shake the parents to get them to realise they are being cruel to a small child but I guess you can't make everyone you know be nice and reasonable. Thanks to you all for the reasonable suggestions and comments it was appreciated.

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 30/11/2012 10:25

It is sad when parents interfere and judge such a small child she will be labelled all the way through primary these parents are not rare though and you were trying to help her. on a positive young children chop and change friends as often as socks so it may all blow over very soon, fingers crossed,

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