to hunt this bastered down!

[wonderingsoul]

ds1 is 7 and has been emotional mess since he got home from school. i finally get to the bottom of it. i think

quick back story last time he saw his dad he was 3. we left usa to move back hom tom make a new start. whislt waiting on the ex (his dad) to join us. couple months after us getting back he decided he wants a divorce and stays put in america. for the first year and ahalf i did the running around making the phone calls so he can speack. i stopped after i got shouted at that it was inconveint for him for me to phone.

he has not made ANY sort of connection of his own back for the past year and half, and has stated a couple months back after the last abusive email that when they are older they will understand and will live with him. so weve not heard anything. he missed his birthday a couple of weeks ago. i have told him m y number he is free to phone them, write to them to come see them HERE ( i wont send them on the plane as ds2 was only 9ish weeks when he last him) what ever he wants.

back to today he started opening up about being sad about missing daddy. hes never really question why things are how they are.

but today he blew my mind away.

"did you take me from daddy or did i pick you?" i told him the truth that daddy was supposed to move home with us but decided not to. what else could i say?

"but why? i wish i could controll daddy and make him make the right choice"

"why doesnt daddy phone me? why did daddy sell his xbox so i cant see him any more?"

and the worst. which actually made me cry.

" i think daddy didnt come back home becasue he thought i would be naughty"

i admit few tears came when i was explaining to him he did nothing wrong and that wasnt the case at all. that daddy was the one missing out and daddy would hate him self whens hes older and relised he missed out on the fun times and seeing you grow up to be a wonderfull man.
his responce to that was

" but i dont want daddy to hate himself i feel sorry for him"

that i would never leave him. that i wil always be there to make him dinner. help with his home work, tuck him into bed. just allways.

if you got this far THANK you!. i di dnt relize what an essay it is.

but did i handle it right? i dont want to slag his dad off, but how can i confort him and show that its his dads fault not his. i did say daddy was just a silly man right now and when your an adult you dont always do what seems to be the right thing.

just arrrrr what do i do? what do i say?

can i hunt this bastered whos making my gourgouse son so unhappy and give him what for?

Can you go back for a visit?

Just keep talking to him and reassuring him it's not his fault.

Has your ex gone into some sort of denial now that he is separated by such distance from his children, would he respond if he knew how distressed his child is? was he good dad before you split up?

I think you handled it perfectly. It's so hard when they're young. You didn't slag him off, you explained as clearly and fairly as you could what happened. At least your ds knows he will always get the truth from you.

i wouldnt go back with out a resdental order and tbh itsd far cheaper for him to fly here then it would be for me and two children. plus its not up to me. had he played a part and did ANY form on contact with them i wouldnt be so harsh in saying no i wont fly out there but i dont see why i should have. i cant afford it. he can.
he was an "ok" dad but is an aliholic , was emotionally abusing and had a few incidents where hes spiked my food with his "tablets"

he used to go through phazes where i could talk to him like an adult and tell him how distressed and how important it was that he answered his phone at the set time to speack them, esp ds1. then i begged him to.

(only really saw sence when he asked for a divorce. it was one of thouse "trying to keep everything together and not seeing how bad it all was till i had space )

he doesnt see it as his responabilty to phone them and hes not paying me to have the privliage of bringing up his children ( all his words) he thinks its perfectly acceptable for the children to have this responabitly of phoning him and writing to him. there 3 and just turned 7. and when their 14 there going to go live with him. hes so delusional its scary.

he is unwell in the sence he suffers from PTS.

im just so so so angry with how he can do this and how unfair my son should feel like this.

Do you mean your ex suffers from PTS?

( the tablets incidents .. luckly i found them before i swalloed them. but never thought of it as a big deal becasue he would and make out he just trying to make me more fun) his tablets where precribed sleeping tablets but are used by people to get high. i forget the name of them. they didnt agree with him at all always sent him loopy but he liked them becasue of that. there has been many different things that he did that i knwo he cant handle looking after a dog never mind two children on his own.

yes ex suffers from PTS

Is there any likelihood this is affecting his judgement? Does he have family who are supporting him to get better? If he improves perhaps he will start the process of becoming a father to his children.

I also wonder if your ds is hearing other children talking about the things they are doing with their dads? If so, is there someone who could step in and do those things with him?

i wondered the same few weeks ago peas.. the school have a little "councling" group that they hold during school. just waititng for it all to start. i know its effected h im, but tonight was the first night hes had a proper conversation about it and really opened up.

it could be clouding his judgment, hes on medication. sees a shrink has lots of family around him, a supporting girlfriend. i dont mean to belittle PST but i cant see how it can stop him from speacking to his kids. sending a card. and if im brutely honest i think he uses it as an excuse.

i have two male friends that he sees but doesnt really do things on his own with them, more of if were out with my friends in a group or round thier house kind of thing. and hes very close to my dad.

Have you told the children that he is unwell??

I think this is crucial tbh as they can understand it at a basic level (ie it makes him forgetful and do naughty things).

Also you could turn some of the questions round ie when your child asks why his daddy doesn't call,you could say I don't know maybe we could ask him next time he does call etc.

I am in a similar situation and have made a point of never slating my DC's (7 and 4) dad but am now a bit more honest in that I say he is not well and forgets things, cannot look after them properly (all true)...

Think you handled the conversation with your DS very well btw. It is so hard

I think you are handling it really well.

What about speaking to him and explaining what your ds has said. It's hard but don't expect too much. Ask for the bare minimum contact/effort from your ex. He may wrongly assume your ds is fine or better off without a dad who's having mental health issues. Speak to the supportive girlfriend if you can and ask for her help in encouraging or reminding your ex to get in contact.

I would also rope in your dad or male friend to do something special with your ds. Perhaps he could do karate or join a football team or street dance. Anything really but something that will give your ds something to take his mind off his dad and do the things he may believe he's missing out on.

simpsons-- yep i have said this in the past. that daddy does love him and s2 hes just finds it hard to show it. hes unwell and doesnt always know how to handle things.

the only thing thats keeping me going is when their older they will see him for what he is, and will know its not their fault. i have kept all emails from him for laster years if needed.

thakn you. i think i needed to hear that i handled it well. some times i just dont know whats the right thing to say and whats n ot. what can i say that wont upset them more. or how to say something with out seeming like im slagging thier dad off.

im sorry your in this situation aswell. :(

Speak to the supportive girlfriend if you can and ask for her help in encouraging or reminding your ex to get in contact.

i have few months back, (she is really nice, ) she doesnt understand why he doesnt ethier and has tried to get him to take responablity.

its not that he thinks there better of with out him. hes stated that they would be so much better of with him. be better of far from the devil woman that i am. better of becasue i am on benifits. he wants full custerdy and threatens to go to court for them.

if he felt he wasnt good enough. i would have some sypmerphty for him.

I don't make any effort at all now to keep contact going and ATM exH is not allowed to speak to the kids as I don't believe he is well enough (and DC know this at a basic level)...But exH is supposed to call me every Friday to find out how they are....but hasn't called for about 5 weeks.

It has actually helped because they have not spoken to him since Jan last year and I keep them busy and they are very close to my brothers and dad. But they know that they can talk about him whenever they want. But because they haven't had any contact for so long,they don't really ask to anymore....

If I'm honest he really doesn't sound in his right mind then. Reassure yourself there is no way he'll ever get custody of them. Keep communication open if you can but in the meantime focus on your ds.
Could a male friend step in and help you out? That's not to say I'm saying what you are providing isn't good enough. It's just that I found with my two boys they have a testoterone surge around seven years and suddenly want to be all manly (lol). That may be what's triggering this. I bet you enjoy time with your female friends. That doesn't mean you don't love the time you spend with your ds, it's just that you like to do your own thing from time to time.

simpsons-- the last time they spoke on the phone was yeah and half ago. he just comes out randomly with stuff.

hes not right in the mind at all. i will try and get some more input from some male friends. they play footy or rough play when we see them. but obviousely not every day. they are very much your steroitpyercall boys. cant sit still for more then a minute, always running skidding jumping so it'd be good to get some of it out some where else.

thank you. i feel loads better now.

Honestly wonderingsoul. You really do sound great. Get a plan of action and follow it through. Try to organise it so it's as regular as it can be. It'll give you a break as well which, with two boys, you will need. I certainly do!

Come back as soon as you can and let us know how your ds is getting on. He sounds like he's really clever and touch with his feelings. For a little boy who's able to understand what's making him sad and express it so well and trust you enough to tell you, he must be quite special

I do talk to the kids now and then about other kids they know who don't have a dad so they don't feel they are the only one. Also I big up the male role models they do have.

But honestly I can hand on heart say that I have made the right decision for my DC (by cutting contact - the last time I spoke to him he did not sound well at all ).

I think you have to trust your gut instinct on this and yes mistakes may be made (not saying you or I am) but our heart is in the right place and most importantly we are there for our kids and they will realise this when they are older (I have also kept a record of what has happened if I ever have to show it to the kids when they are much older).

My son does beavers, football and a youth club after school which he loves and keeps him busy.

I do not worry about my daughter so much as she has never really had a proper relationship with her dad, but DS was very close to him until he was nearly 4.

thank you peas that made a little teary.

simpson its so sad. i can relate to how you say you dont feel "so" worried about your daughter due to n ot having a relationship with him. ds2 is the same. its allmost as you cant miss what you didnt have in the first place, they dont know any different to what theve got.

after school clubs is a good idea. he on the waiting list for "construction" club. but it filled up quick. will look at the lesuire center and see what they offer.