AIBU - DS seems to think I am!

[HappyHome14]

My DS is driving me mad

He's 15 and he used to be my closest friend, but recently he's changed, and won't listen to me anymore

He has got it into his head that he wants to go to College next year - but he wants to go to a college that runs a watersports course, and he'd have to live there in a room during the week because it's so far away.

He's been into watersports as a hobby since he was little, I've driven him everywhere at weekends and he's missed class time for school competitions, but he's not going to be an Olympic champion, so I don't understand why he's got this idea in his head that he can make a job of it. The teachers at school and his clubs aren't helping, they have told him that this particular college is a great place, and that he'd really enjoy it, it's a good idea and have told me how proud I should be of him . I took him to the open day there in the hope it would put him off, but he still wants to go! But he's too young to leave home and live with loads of other teenagers; he can't cook (he's not messing up my kitchen!) I do all his laundry and I buy him everything he needs so he's never had to manage money - how will he cope away from home?

I've told him that he will be going to local 6th form and after a year, we can talk about it again - but I'm hoping that he gets a steady girlfriend or gets a job, so he doesn't want to move. Now he says that wants me to go and look at the 6th form with him at the open day next week, but whats the point? Its the only one locally, so that's where he has to go.

My exH isn't helping - he's told DS that he should "follow his dreams" if that is what he wants to do . He took DS to open a bank account and is offering him money to do odd jobs and for helping out in his GF business, he's telling DS how well he's doing at school and he's even told DS that once he's 16, he can choose where he wants to live He took me to court to see the DC's ages ago, but the Court said that they should live with me and DS decided that he didn't want to see exH anymore after he moved his new GF in. exH kept on harassing DS, writing to him, going to school parents evenings, sending presents and he has wheedled his way back into DS life now with all this talk of going to college, and DS believes it! Ex keeps asking when me, DS and him can sit down and discuss it - but I can't stand the sight of the man, and it's nothing to do with him, anyway.

Now my Mum's getting on at me too - she has to look after the DC's while I work, and she moans about not having any free time - but now DS is nearly old enough to look after his younger DBro, my Mum is saying I should let DS move out!

How can I talk sense into my DS? He just won't listen to me at the moment; I've tried yelling at him, bribing him, crying and telling him how much I will miss him, but he's obsessed and no-one except me is being realistic

I am being to think it is a reverse AIBU.

He just won't listen to me at the moment; I've tried yelling at him, bribing him, crying and telling him how much I will miss him

And this ^^^ is just plain weird, first ever post eh?????

Is this a reverse AIBU by the exh?

I think OP ought to come back and enlighten us.

Are you the son?
I'm going to answer as if it is because ...
Your mum will miss you, you will miss your mum. If you have a chance to do this then you should. You may not get a second chance. Could you, or your dad, speak to one of tutors at the college? Explain how against it your mum is and maybe they could reassure her.

YABVU.

Your poor, poor son. How lovely to have a mother being completely unsupportive of what you want to persue. Can't be arsed to look at the local 6th form? So what if it's the only one?! And trying to bribe him? And the relationship with his father.

I really feel for your poor son.

If this is genuine then I think you need to work out why this has upset you so much.

What did you imagine him doing with his life? What did you imagine YOU would be doing with you life at this point? Are those things realistic or even relevant any more? Is that what you are finding hardest to let go of?

Things don't always work out the way we planned. You need to sit and write a list of pros and cons for HIM as well as for you and think about the next year as being the time to get your relationship in to a more mature one.

He is showing initiative, he is making use of the years of paying out/ferrying around for hobbies and he has the encouragement and support of those who teach him. That's great. However, he is choosing a competitive field and needs to take it seriously.

It sounds like the course itself is great but there is also a list of things you BOTH need to address in the next year:

1. What exactly is involved with the living arrangements
2. Teach him to cook the basics. Get him a student recipe book, get him a starter cooking kit of his own (Ikea do them really cheaply)
3. Teach him about budgeting. Use the jobs he is doing for his Dad etc as a way of teaching decent money management.
4. Teach him how to do his own laundry.
5. Instead of paying for everything, build in some jobs of your own that you will pay him for eg. looking after his sibling, if that is something that works for everyone.
6. Get him to research the potential jobs that could come out of this qualification
7. Get him working at the weekend/holidays in a similar field, even if it is on a volunteer basis. See how he feels about the hard side of the business
8. Enquire at the college about mentors. Is there someone you can both talk to about your actual concerns? (messing up the kitchen doesn't count)
9. Give him independence in a structured way over the next year. Reward him when he takes responsibility and show him respect. If he screws up, don't say 'i told you so', work on it with him.

10. Set out all of the above but say that you also want him to visit the A level course colleges with you to see the alternatives that are available and spend time discussing alternatives in the next year doesn't pan out the way he thinks it will.

Take a step back and don't push him away by forcing your life plan on him. Just be there to support and prepare him. Whatever happens next, you will both be better off as a result.

My DD has a dream too. To follow this and attend the school to facillitate this she will have to live away from home for five years. I have 6 months to prepare her to be safe, look after her things, to travel in and around London by herself. I am having to cut the apron strings.

I will miss her so much when she's gone. We are two peas in a pod. I am not ready to let her go.

But I must. And I will do everything in my power to support her.

She is 10!!!

OK, I'll come clean - I've N/C - it is reverse AIBU, sorry

It's my DSis who is doing this to my DN.

I wish it wasn't exaggerated - she has emailed/skyped me most of what I put in the OP trying to get me to agree with her; I've been fairly non-committal so far in response because she's got a fiery temper and takes it out on DN's and our DM when she's pissed off. DN does seem to have the support of his Dad and the school so I'm not sure how much more I can do from here (I moved away).

I just wondered if I am too emotionally cold about it - I'm getting cross with her attitude, but there is a lot of history, we've never been close and recently we've had words because I think she takes advantage of DM and she was a cow to her exH, so thought I might be letting that influence my opinion.

I might try giving her a ring next week and talk to her about it - after a or two as she won't take it well. Some of the ideas/replies here have been really helpful - thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Sorry MNHQ, didn't mean to give you more work to do

Downton you sound like a fab mum!

Just being nosy now,is your daughter going to ballet school?

For gods sake the OP is just being sensible and realistic, which 15 year olds are not! It's a tough old world out there I think you should put your foot down with your son. He should stay in proper education and keep the sport as hobby till he is 18 then he can decide

I never get the point of reverse AIBUs. Why not just explain it properly from the beginning? Save everyone a lot of time.

Phew. Was beginning to think I was a hard hearted uncaring excuse for a mother!

Theatre School.

Glad this is a reverse AIBU. couldn't actually believe that someone on here could be so self absorbed and blinkered.

My guess is that unconsciously since her divorce your DSis is treating her eldest DS as a kind of substitute DP, and is terrified at the thought of being abandoned all over again.

People can get very weird and controlling when they are afraid of being abandoned - it's at the root of a lot of abusive behaviour by men as well and can cause terrible damage in relationships.

The sad paradox is that when people get really controlling they drive away the people they're trying to cling to - I'm willing to bet your nephew wouldn't be pushing nearly so hard for FE some distance from his mum if he wasn't feeling a bit suffocated by her neediness.

Would your sister respond at all to thinking about the motives under her wanting to cling to her son?

Your DSis is clearly being unreasonable. I feel sorry for your nephew and kind of see why he wants to move away at 16.

Could you have a chat with your DN, give him some unbiased support, maybe teach him to boil an egg, make spag bol?

Oh downton what a lovely mum you are. Good luck to you and your dd!

Are you brave enough to tell your sister that part of her responsibility as a mum is to prepare her children to leave the nest and live their own lives? You may as well throw in that all her children will leave one day and she needs to prepare for that herself

Well, you know it breaks my heart.

But she's still getting an education and if things don't happen or if she decides it's not for her after all then she can go off on a different path at 16 or 18 with her GCSEs behind her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained in my opinion.

glad I didn't throw a temper before reading the "it's a reverse AIBU about my nephew"

In that case: teach him the life skills that your sister won't. Have the boys up for a week, and only take a few days off work. Ask him/work with both of them for meals (depending on the level of infantalising the older has been through).

Your sister does have one good point: what sort of back-up is there if this falls through? What other skills does the college teach? Would it be possible for DN to go through 6th form locally as she intends, then go on to the college a little older and with a few A-levels to fall back on?

YABU.

Why can your 15 year old not cook or do laundry? These are important life skills.

You should be encouraging him in his ambitions

Let go. I am sure it is very difficult to do but you really need to.

Oh..........just seen it's a reverse AIBU.

I'm sorry but you ABU. You should be proud of him and encouraging him. Also you need to tell him to do his own washing.

yes OP YABU

I suggest you teach him to cook and mess up your kitchen and do laundry and manage money etc

given that these are essential life skills and up to parents to teach

what a bit of luck he had a dad who cares for him in his life, sounds like he needs him, and great person to be involved in his life!

Why do people do reverse AIBU's fairly new, and haven't seen one before,but why don't people just come on and say, is my sister being unreasonable surely?? Then you wouldn't get 3 pages of folk going 'what? eh? reverse AIBU'!!