I don't even know if that's exactly what I want. Does anyone else feel that they're juggling too many balls/trying to keep too many plates spinning and they're terrified that they're going to drop/break one?
My DDs DF, my ExH has terminal cancer. Eldest DD (16) lives with her DF and SM, youngest DD (14) lives with me and DH. The diagnosis was at the beginning of Sept and has been a huge shock to them both (and me). Initially it was hoped that he could have a huge op to remove the tumour, which would have bought a little more time but it turned out that there are secondaries so that's not possible. Basically, he's going to die relatively soon and there is nothing to be done.
I thought DDs were handling it ok, we've talked to them about it, held them whole they raged, cuddled them when they cried etc etc. However in the middle of last week I woke up in the middle of the night as 14yo DD was vomiting - she'd tried to end her life by overdosing. It also turns out that she's been self harming extensively. I'm in bits. Her scars are just appalling. They're nowhere visible but I can't believe that she felt so bad and couldn't talk to me about it. I feel like I've completely failed her. Health services haven't been great - they were willing to refer her to CAMHS but couldn't give me a time frame as she wasn't "in danger" (fuck knows how a suicide attempt and self harm isn't classed as danger, but whatever) so I have arranged for her to start therapy privately next week. She's accepting of this and realised that how she is managing her feelings is out of my league - basically loving her isn't enough.
I'm trying to give my eldest DD time away from her DF and SM so she can have some time where she doesn't have to be 'strong' but it's a 4hr round trip to collect her, so that adds pressure to the weekends.
My DH is being wonderful, but we've only been married 2 years. People (friends and family) keep telling me that I have to "look after my marriage" and I'm now feeling neurotic about it. DH is reassuring and says that I'm putting my children first and he can't see how anyone would do anything else.
Because there is no timescale on ExH illness I don't feel like we can make any plans to go away or anything in case something happens and we need to have DD within reasonable travelling distance. It just feels neverending. I'm running out of reserves and snapping at DH which is the last thing I want to do. I just want everything to STOP for a few days, so I can recover some of my emotional reserves. I do, in fact, want a pause button. Feel free to give me a good slap and tell me to count my blessings, if you've got this far!