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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this is classed as rape?

40 replies

kaylasmum · 28/11/2012 16:58

I posted here last week about my dds obnoxious bf. He has in my view treated her like dirt since the met. She told me today that recently when she says no to sex he carries on regardless, i'm really upset to hear this and i told her that its rape, she is trying to downplay it and make excuses for him. This is rape is'nt it?

OP posts:

FellowshipOfFestiveFellows · 28/11/2012 17:33

It is. Sad for your DD.

I found myself in a relationship like that, although I was in my teens. It started out as control via the not listening to my saying no to sex, and ended up with me having to ask his permission to go to the toilet or eat. If he said no, I didn't defy him. I went from a confident, fun loving and ballsy girl and a healthy size 10, to a withdrawn, quiet mouse who was a size 6 (and I'm 5 foot 8 so I looked awful).

She needs to get rid now. Its hard to do that, of course, but perhaps moving back home for a time until he moves on to someone else is a good idea. I had to almost be reprogrammed to have a mind of my own by my DP (its why I love him so much 12 odd years on), but I was far further gone then your dd sounds.

WilsonFrickett · 28/11/2012 17:39

Can you report to the police? Or will that blow the whole thing apart on her?

specialsubject · 28/11/2012 18:08

yes, it is rape.

she needs to stop putting herself in danger - why on earth does she keep seeing him? You say they don't live together so she doesn't have that issue.

tell her to have more respect for herself. Even if she won't report it to save someone else, she needs to save herself by stopping all contact with him. Before he gets even more violent.

police? Local women's organisation?

shockers · 28/11/2012 18:18

I think Narked's idea about not reacting to him, but working on her self worth is a good one. The more beautiful and worthy she feels, the less dependent on his approval she will be.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 29/11/2012 10:44

thanks for all the replies, sorry have'nt got back sooner but was working last night.f

my dd has borderline personality disorder and has had a lot of problems with relationships. This man in my view has never treated her properly, he has completely brainwashed my dd. They have split up many times and keep getting back together. There have been a few incidents where it looks to me that he's been cheating on her, he always has a explanation for it and my dd falls for it every time.

When she confided in me yesterday she said that their sexual life was a bit adventureous! sometimes a bit rough. I think she was trying to make it seem like its just howthings are. He seemingly has a very high sex drive and pretty much demands sex on a daily basis. My dd has suffered from repeated uti's and thrush, her bf totally disregards this and pesters her until she gives in. He tells her that there's no point refusing as she knows he won't give up!

Its in the last week that he's just carried on regardless of her telling him no. She really is trying to play it down by telling me that she just gives in in the end. She won't go to the police. there's nothing i can do other than be there for her.

OP posts:

ShamyFarrahCooper · 29/11/2012 10:55

How old is your dd? I'm really sorry to hear you are in this situation, I wonder if relationships might be a good place for this, the ladies in there will have some excellent information that might help.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 29/11/2012 11:12

hi, thanks for replying, my dd is 28.

I'll have a look in relationships and see if anyone has any advice for me.

OP posts:

FellowshipOfFestiveFellows · 29/11/2012 13:03

Can I ask where she met him? Does he have similar personality disorders? If not and he is aware of your dds, I would worry that he is taking advantage of her purely for that reason as he knows he can. I can see most 28 y/o giving him short shrift if he tried it on that way with them, so he is taking the piss frankly.

Has she any form of care worker or key worker in place who can advise? If not I'd go and speak to the GP perhaps?

I hope you don't mind me asking op?

OneMoreChap · 29/11/2012 13:30

I'm sorry to hear that. How awful that she doesn't understand consent

CindySherman · 29/11/2012 17:45

She has recurrent infections because she is being repeatedly assaulted against her will. Your poor DD . I am so sorry.

LordOfThe5Rings · 29/11/2012 18:23

It definately is rape.

It might be a good idea to talk to her mental health worker or social worker if she has one. Also have a look at resources online to explain and deal with such things in relation to someone with a mental health problem.

I am so sorry she is being put through this. It just fills me with dread that he may become worse and worse and I just hope upon hope your daughter makes a decison soon that there is only so much she is willing to take. :(

Narked · 29/11/2012 18:28

He's probably the reason she's suffering from repeated UTIs

TigerseyeMum · 29/11/2012 18:54

Does she have the care of her Community Mental Health Team or Complex Needs team? She could be classed as a vulnerable adult and receive some support with this.

Maybe her or your GP might be a good starting point?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 29/11/2012 21:04

If she is classed as a vulnerable adult, arent there ways of getting him prosecuted for "taking advantage" without her neccessarily making the complaint?

LRDtheFeministDude · 29/11/2012 21:16

I'm sorry to hear that. How awful he doesn't understand consent.

I hope she gets out soon.

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