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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel upset that my DC doesn't have my name?

15 replies

workbench · 26/11/2012 14:23

After much debate, we decided that our little baby girl would have her dad's surname. I felt sad at the time and still feel sad about this now - that me and my side of the family isn't represented in her surname. DPs name is a foreign one and while I'm glad this half of her heritage is represented in her name, I'm also sad that her British background isn't there too. I don't really want to start changing her name by deed poll - although its an option - but would just appreciate your thoughts/ similar experience.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 26/11/2012 14:29

But most children are only given the surname of one of their parents.

Unless they decide to give the child a doublebarrelled name.

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2012 14:29

Is it 'your' name you want her to have, or do you want a name your whole family shares?

ClippedPhoenix · 26/11/2012 14:31

Depends, you said that he was your DP therefore you aren't married.

I'd go with your name here.

higgle · 26/11/2012 14:31

Could you give her your surname as an additional middle name? DH and I double-barrelled our sons' surname but without the hyphen to make it clear they had two surnames.

workbench · 26/11/2012 14:32

Sorry, my surname. DP and I are married but I didn't change my name.

OP posts:
redexpat · 26/11/2012 14:36

YANBU It's a tricky one.

We live in Denmark. DH is Danish. I am British. DS has a British first name (one from my family) and DHs surname. I think it shows that he is mostly Danish but with British roots. Both cultures are represented.

What sort of first name does your DC have?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 26/11/2012 14:37

Different situation but my DS has my surname. My ex left when I was pregnant so there was no way DS was having his name and it was a good call as ex has never bothered with DS. So DS and I share my name Smile.

Could you double-barrel her surname? Or give the next child your surname?

workbench · 26/11/2012 14:38

Hi redexpat, DD has a traditional British first name.

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 26/11/2012 14:39

I have the same with my dcs - they both have dh's surname and I do not.

I have to say, it has never bothered me at all. The only consequence is that I have started to use dh's name a little more as that is what the schools assume I will be called.

Can't imagine changing their names now to reflect mine. Their names are part of who they are.

LunaticFringe · 26/11/2012 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge · 26/11/2012 14:42

You're not being unreasonable to have a certain amount of buyers remorse over your previous decision - but were you having the same discussions now with DP, would it differ? Either way, you really need to accept the previous decision don't you - it was right at the time for you, and presumably it will be right again?

DD has both our names, but my DP's only as a middle name,

NarcolepsyQueen · 26/11/2012 14:52

I am in the process of adding my surname to DD8's name. DS has both names. DC3 will also have both names. It is easy to add your surname (as a middle name?) To your DCS name if DC is under 12 months.

RubyrooUK · 26/11/2012 15:11

Well if you are really bothered about it, OP, I don't suppose it is unreasonable. You can't help your feelings.

I wouldn't matter at all to me though. My DS has his father's surname and not mine (we are married but I kept my own surname). So we are in the same position, OP - and my child has a first name from one part of my culture and a surname from his father's.

Ultimately, my DS is our child and I don't feel he is less of one culture or another based on his name.

As it happens, I look incredibly like an English Rose rather than my full varied ethnic and cultural makeup - does that make me less part of other cultures because a quirk of genes makes me look a certain way?

Ultimately your DD will be a mix of backgrounds like most people. That's a great thing and I never had any problems understanding that I was the product of a variety of cultures.

Equally, it doesn't really matter that because I look a certain way, I generally have to tell people about my background or they think I am probably of English origin.

So of course you can change her name if it is really important than anyone who meets her knows immediately that she is part British in origin. Or if you wish you shared a surname with her.

But otherwise I wouldn't personally feel it was that important.

squeakytoy · 26/11/2012 15:13

Why not just give yourself your husbands name then, problem solved. :) You can ALL have the same name in your family.

hiviolet · 26/11/2012 15:22

Like you, OP, I kept my name when I got married. Our daughter has my surname as a second middle name.

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