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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that your boyfriend should be affectionate and nice to you

17 replies

woahthere · 25/11/2012 09:29

My boyfriend is the most unaffectionate guy ever. Im really fed up with it.

It has been a sticking issue for a long time, every now and then I get really upset about it and tell him, but he doesnt agree with me that he is like this.

Sometimes I think that if it werent for me making a move then we might never touch again!

I got into a real stew about it last night. On Friday night we had a date night (arranged by me because trying to make an effort to have alone time with him). He grumped around all the time before we went and I bit my lip thinking hed be fine when we were out. Then while we were out he was miserly and putting a downer on it. Not once did he kiss me, hold my hand, put his arm round me, tell me I looked nice... I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing so I sympathised and said he must just be tired which he agreed with.

The next day all day he was really bloody grumpy, everytime anybody said anything it was responded to negatively...and I mean everything. I couldnt do anything without him rolling his eyes at me, which eventually I did snap back at.

In the evening he ignores me and plays on his sodding computer game all evening. Then we go to bed and he starts snoring so I start to go to sleep and he wakes up. For the first time all day he rolls over and starts kissing me, and for some reason it just made me furious. Why ignore me all day, be grumpy, not cuddle or kiss me, but then at night think that you can so it will lead to sex? And it not like I didnt want sex, I love it, i wish we did it more often...but when being touched lovingly is confined to once a week at nighttime it feels contrived and makes me feel cross. So I did what Ive never done before and pretended to be asleep.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should be being loving towards me, and tell me I look nice when we go out. He says he's 'not like that' but its not true...he used to be like that, and quite frankly, even if hes not like that he should make an effort and get like that.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 25/11/2012 09:31

Dump him. If you don't you are being unbelievably unreasonable. He will not change. Dump him!

JeezyOrangePips · 25/11/2012 09:33

Is there anything good about the relationship? It doesn't sound like you are getting anything from it.

Why are you with him? (genuine question)

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven · 25/11/2012 09:34

yes love, get rid

OTheHugeManatee · 25/11/2012 09:34

Leave the bastard.

ThatBastardSanta · 25/11/2012 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfunnyface · 25/11/2012 09:36

Not worth it- if he was like that and changed- at best he was making an effort as it was all new and now slacked off, at worse he's gone off you and lost interest.

Ditch him.

ShellyBoobs · 25/11/2012 09:39

YANBU.

It sounds as though he doesn't even like you!

Bin him.

pictish · 25/11/2012 09:41

Fuck that. He sounds a miserable bastard. Miserable bastards don't change, they just inflict their negativity on everyone else, and spoil everything.

Dump him and give him something else to grump about - while you have fiun elsewhere.

woahthere · 25/11/2012 09:51

He used to be nice to me, he is a really good and nice Dad. We talked about splitting up before as he had an affair. He insists he loves me, and doesnt agree that he is unaffectionate to me.

The funny thing is, that he is very helpful to me in respect to my work and if Im ever poorly he is so kind to me, like he will come home from work early to help me out. If Im in bed and mention that im cold he will jump out of bed to get me a hot water bottle. So basically if there is something wrong he is nice to me, but if Im fine hes nothing, or grumpy...which is a bit weird.

We have very busy lives, we both get tired which is why I try and make an effort for us to do things for ourselves and not with the children...but it all feels one sided at the moment, and I suppose Im waiting for it to get better so to speak.

We have children, I dont think 'binning ' him is a simple option, Id just like him to be a bit more touchy feely and appreciate me sometimes..and I dont mean that I want him constantly fawning over me....just make me feel special sometimes really.

OP posts:
strumpetpumpkin · 25/11/2012 09:57

hes just not that into you. Dont waste your time. Its not a reflection on you, but neither of you are happy, so dont settle.
If you have to even ask this question then theres something wrong. Being affectionate isnt about an act that he should be performing. Its about the fact hes not feeling it.

Dump him before your selfr esteem plummets. Its too easy to plod along in shit relationships, but you both deserve better

ohfunnyface · 25/11/2012 10:05

Sorry didn't realise there were children involved.

Sit him down, frank conversation, ask him why does he think he doesn't like holding your hand, hugging you, complimenting you? Don't expect a response- just ask him to think about it. Tell him how it makes you feel, and ask him if he can think I anything you are doing/could do to reignite that way you were together at the start- perhaps you have also changed and he is reacting to that change? Try and remove the idea of blame, it's just a discussion.

Then leave it for a while, talk again after a few days and see how you go with the new information.

If he doesn't change, he doesn't care about how he makes you feel. I left my first husband for very similar reasons- no children, and slightly more drastic withdrawal of affection, but he couldn't change- and I couldn't live with it.

strumpetpumpkin · 25/11/2012 10:16

i dont think having kids changes anything.

I would be just as unhappy for my children to grow up believng an unaffectionate relationship and a guy who ignored me and was grumpy and gamed at every opportunity was all they could expect out of a relationship.

You dont lose your right to be happy just because youve got children. Your happiness is just as important as your childrens

LindyHemming · 25/11/2012 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 25/11/2012 10:43

Some people just aren't 'touchy-feely' nor see the need to be. Some people just can't stand their space being invaded all the time. Others do.

can't be all bad if he's attentive when you are ill or under pressure at work.

I think we all forget how to communicate sometimes and take each other forgranted.

ilovesooty · 25/11/2012 10:54

I agree with Ophelia. He cares about the things that really matter. Have you considered counselling?

redexpat · 25/11/2012 10:55

It sounds like you have different love languages. website here There are 5 ways to show love:
-words
-acts of service
-time together
-touching
-giving presents

If you sit down with him and get him to write down the 10 best memories he has of you together (and you do the same), then see how many you have from each category. It sounds like yours are touching and time together. He sounds like acts of service.

Have you ever told him that his behaviour brings you down? I had a similarly shit weekend with DH not long ago, and I put up with some grumping, then I snapped and told him yelled that if he was going to be a miserable bastard then fine but not to bring me down with him. He was very very apologetic and made an effort not to be so grumpy.

pictish · 25/11/2012 10:57

Yeah - I was coming from the grumpy angle rather than the lack of physical affection.
It's worth saying that I don't like holding hands, or sitting wrapped around anyone. I find it restrictive and awkward. I like having a hug then shooing away. Smile

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