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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for wanting to scream at him?

14 replies

Theicingontop · 25/11/2012 00:07

I quit my night job so my partner could take a better paid night position with the same company. We couldn't have both worked, we have no family to care for our two year old son at night so it was the only way, which I am fine with, I love being a stay at home mother.

He'd never had a full time job before this one, only working part-time once a week and doing his degree from home while I was earning. I did everything, the housework, taking care of our son during the day, cooking, on top of my job. I never got to sleep in after nine, ten if I was lucky, even if I'd got in from work at 6am. He'd always apologise but as soon as I was up, that was it.

Now the situation is reversed all he does is sleep. He doesn't go to bed as soon as he gets in, he stays up because he says he's not tired right away. He sits on the computer citing his need to 'conserve his energy' and goes to bed about 10-11am, wakes up just before work to eat, bathe then out the door.

On the weekends, like today, all he does is sleep. He's always either dozing on the sofa, in bed or at the PC. He plays with our son as long as it's sitting down. Good thing he likes his books.

It makes me want to scream, knowing that I was in the exact same position but I sucked it up and didn't complain about it, even when I went two days on five hours sleep and having to do everything. He's fit and healthy! I worked 12 hour nights at 9 months pregnant and the worst he got from me was moodswings!

Tonight we were supposed to have a movie night to spend some quality time, he fell asleep before our son went to bed. He's been sleeping all day. I know he works hard and I have first-hand experience of how tough nightwork is, but it's not this hard.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting him to suck it up. I'd be happy if he just made an effort one day a week.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 25/11/2012 00:56

I don't know if YAbu but I know when my DH worked nights it was awful. I can get by on less sleep than him. He works till 1 some nights now and still sleeps loads.

Different people need different amount of sleep. But he has to contribute to family life!

CaliforniaLeaving · 25/11/2012 01:31

My Dh slept a lot more than usual when he did nights too. I hated it, and he'd get up and eat then go back to bed multiple times, he gained a lot of weight, I'm glad he's on days again.
Have you said anything?

trikken · 25/11/2012 01:48

dh is on nights too. its rubbish. its the same here I do everything as he sleeps as much as he can.

AgentZigzag · 25/11/2012 01:54

I think the combined not having worked full time before, it being nights, and the change of routine, has probably fucked him over.

That's not a reason for it to carry on indefinitely (which I'm sure you're concerned might become more of a problem if you don't put a stop to it now) but you seem to understand it's going to be difficult.

How does he react when you've brought it up with him?

Could you start on just one of the things annoying you and gradually work up to him taking over some of the strain?

It is annoying (and I'm not saying I don't do it myself) when people are unsympathetic with something you're struggling with just because they managed to do it.

BustersOfDoom · 25/11/2012 02:12

It's a difficult one to judge. DP does a physically and mentally demanding job but I don't. I have a desk based but very mentally demanding job. But I need about twice as much sleep as he does. He can have 5 hours sleep and jump out of bed as fresh as a daisy and be ready to go. Me I can have 8 or 9 hours and still need an hour to come round in the morning.

If they handed out Olympic gold medals for sleeping I would win every time. I am that good Grin But the key is to recognise it and for him to adjust his sleep patterns to fit in with family needs. Working nights does fuck your system up as many reports have shown but that shouldn't mean that you have to take the brunt of it.

helpyourself · 25/11/2012 09:12

The way he is with shift work and sleeping is incompatible with family life. Have that conversation without comparing him to you- he needs to change job or sleep less.

griphook · 25/11/2012 09:14

Are you pissed off that he sleeps all day or that when y

griphook · 25/11/2012 09:15

You worked nights he didn't really support you ?

SavoyCabbage · 25/11/2012 09:17

I don't think you can ask him to go to sleep as soon as he gets in. He will need some unwinding time.

My brother works nights and then he gets up at about lunchtime. He sees the dc after school and they try to have a family meal at 4.30 then he gets ready to go to work.

JackThePumpkinKing · 25/11/2012 09:23

Why on earth were you doing everything yourself when you were working full time on nights? Surely childcare and housework should have been mire shared out.

If he's coming in a 6am and isn't tired right away, couldn't he do the morning stuff with your DS, get him up nd fed etc, and spend some time with him then ?

I was the same on night's and just switched over - in at 6pm, ate, then did what I would have done in the evening, then bed at 11am and then up for work early evening.

JackThePumpkinKing · 25/11/2012 09:24

In at 6am*

teacher123 · 25/11/2012 09:26

DH does 7 nights every 7 weeks as part of his shift pattern, and it is harder now we have DS. However we've come up with a system that works for us. He gets in around 7.30, has breakfast and plays with DS whilst I have a shower and get dressed, then we all have a cuddle in bed before daddy goes to sleep at around 9am. If he's had a relatively easy shift I wake him at 3pm with a cup of tea, if he's had a horrid one then I leave him until he wakes up naturally or 5pm. He then plays with DS and we all do bath time together then I put DS to bed whilst he cooks dinner. We eat at 7, he goes out at 8, and the whole thing starts again! We've had to get in a pattern so I don't get resentful about him being asleep in the day (even though I know he's been at work, it's totally irrational for me to get annoyed, but I still do!) and so that he still gets to see DS even when he's on nights. It sounds to me like you're all adjusting to this new pattern. Hopefully it will get easier.

Theicingontop · 26/11/2012 14:59

I guess I was having a bit of a tantrum when I wrote this, I really wanted that movie night!

We talked about it, he's pretty much come to the decision that he'll apply for day positions after Christmas. He doesn't think he'll be able to adjust, he wakes up lots during the day and has to restart his sleep cycle and it messes him up, and he really misses our son. Night work's not for everyone, he doesn't get how I did it. I can just survive on less sleep than him I guess.

Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
helpyourself · 26/11/2012 15:51

That's great news. Whatever happens workwise, he's listened to you. Night work is a real killer for family life. I hope you can sort it. At least it sounds as if you can both work together to a solution.
Good luck.

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