to shout back at him?

[Nicdigby]

Today I saw a 2 year old (big, heavy) child on top of my (lighter) 4 year old in the soft play centre. The 2 year old was doing a twisting / pinching type thing on DS's bare arm, like a chinese burn. My DS did not retaliate but tried to get up to walk away, but the 2 year old grabbed him round the neck with both hands and tried to pull him backwards to the floor again. He would not let go, even though DS was trying to get towards the door to get out.

At this stage, I said 'no', but the kid kept going. So I got hold of the 2 year old's arm to physically remove it from DS's neck and then I put myself between the two of them. I then bent down and said "no, don't hurt him" to the 2 year old, and I still had hold of his arm, because he was trying to hit me.

Whereupon the father of the 2 year old, (who hadn't seen the original incident but had been attracted by me saying "no"), shouted at me " don't squeeze his arm or I'll do it to you".

I said I was sorry, but that I had to intervene because his son was hurting mine badly and he had been going to do it again. But he would not let me speak. So I went to sit down. As I went, I heard him say "oh did she hurt your arm?" to his boy, and the kid burst into tears.

Then the man came over and started shouting at me over and over that his son was only 2 years old, and that I had squeezed his arm and bruised it. (I am absolutely certain that I did not hurt or bruise him. What a joke.)

I said to him "I have listened to what you have had to say to me, but could you listen to my response now because you are not letting me speak at all?" but he just kept saying "he's only two, he's only two".

In the end, I said to him loudly that "your son was hurting mine badly, but instead of telling him off and dealing with it, you have come over to have a go at me, how dare you?". But he just kept on shouting at me..

I am so upset. I am re-playing it through my mind non-stop and want to have a large glass of wine. I know it's just a silly spat, but this bloke was about 6'ft 4".

The problem is that this is the second time this has happened to me, in very similar circumstances. The first time was two years ago though. Is it me? Should I keep calmer when I see a little thug laying into my kid? Or do I have to accept that there are parents who will let their children do anything and will shoot the messenger who complains?

AIBU, or was he?

Its totally your fault for going to soft play! They are an excuse for people to leave their children unsupervised to beat other kids.

Not sure i would touch someone elses child tbh. I might have pushed the chld off subtly whilst removing mine.

Once had a mum screaming that her child was being squashed by another child. Mum had been drinking coffee in another room for at least ten mins whilst her child was alone and run over by cosy coupe. Did have to point out loudly that you have to watch your child!!

My boy is three and is very physical - I could well imagine him taking on a four year old if they annoyed him. I wonder what led up to this?
A four year old has the sense not to retaliate when a child is you get and good on him - he waited for you to help which you did.
There were two mistakes here as someone who has pulled my child off many others at the age of two.

1. The dad should never have let his child get that far on top of yours

Or hurt yours. He should have been the one taking his son away.

1. You should not have held onto the child - you should have removed yours. Sorry I'll be honest - I really don't like that you did that. You over reacted and it was a bad move. It's shown in the fact that you called the two year old a thug - that suggests a judgemental comment about the child. Hence the comment " He's only two."

I'm guessing your child is a gentle soul? The dad was wrong to make a meal out of it though.

Yabu!! The boy was two. It doesn't matter how big he was, he was two years old. All you had to do was remove your child, no need for the grabbing and telling off- I bet he was petrified! He's a toddler not a thug.. Gah.

A two year old can be taught that it is wrong to hurt others.
Actually a one year old can be taught not to hurt others.
A two year old is not a helpless baby with no control over their movements. Their personality, temperament is developing and saying "He's only two" is a pathetic response from this this idiot of a father who should have listened to you and should have been watching his son.

^^ it wasn't the OPs place to start teaching him manners though

bbface I would just like to point out that my 4 year-old DGC is smaller than, or the same size as, a lot of two year-olds.
It's not that unusual.

are you sure the pinching thing wasnt the 2 year old trying to tickle, and the grabbing trying to give him a hug?

what have you taught your 4 year old to do in situations where people are hurting him?

and i wouldnt have minded you telling my ds off, and I would have asked what happened

Inneedofbrandy No, of course not. The boy's parents should sort themselves out and watch their child/ remove their child if they are unkind.

I bet the dad has seen his son do it before though - else he'd have listened - classic drowning you out.

A two year can be taught that its wrong to hurt others - but it takes along time for them to understand that concept. Two is a difficult age.

Why is it so hard to believe that a big two year old cant be larger than a small four year old?

Hi, thanks for your posts. About the size/age thing: I did not know the child was only two: he was big and heavy and looked bigger than all the kids in DS's reception class. My son has a medical condition making him small and frail: he currently weighs 2 stone 1 pound: about 14kg.

I am grateful for those of you who have made me realise that I should not have touched the other child. I honestly can say that I did not squeeze his arm or hurt him and he only cried about 20 seconds after I let to, when his father said "oh did she hurt your arm?" to him.

TBH I think that two years old is old enough to teach not to hurt others. I went through it my other child at that age and watched him like a hawk, and told him off too.

I think the post saying that he was trying to drown out my explanation because it has happened to him many times before is spot on; it seemed to be that way.

But I will try to calm down and walk away next time (as I have many many times before with these things but this kid was so acting so nastily, it must have brought out my inner tigress)

It's so difficult, and this was obviously a spur of the moment reaction on everyones part. The trouble is, as you can see from the thread alone, everyone has different opinions of what is acceptable in children's behaviour and what isn't e.g. at some of the chilren's centres I go to, some parents will be all over their children monitoring their every move, while other parents will say things like 'let them sort it out amongst themselves' and leave them to get on with it... and these parents (a generalisation of 2 extremes I know) seem to be the ones who see the aftermath of things and it is so hard to explain what has happened, especially when it is their child who has e.g. hit your child over the head with a car (happened to my DD) - when it happened to me I whisked her away and said 'please don't hit, it hurts' before I had even thought about whether it was right to say anything. I worried about even saying that...

I am compelled to stand up for DD though and let her see that I don't think what they did was ok... verbal tame vague 'that's not ok' though, I wouldn't touch them for fear of other parents reactions who only see the aftermath!