Who is being unreasonable?

[OTS]

DSD is quite overweight. DH's XP feeds her an awful diet. She eats a lot of rubbish when she's at home. On the weekends that she's with us (once a fortnight), we make sure she eats very well - small portions, at least 5 a day etc. It doesn't make much of a difference though as she doesn't eat well 90% of the time.

This weekend it is her birthday. I have made a cake, which we will obviously let her have a piece of. My mum bought her a bag which has treatsize bags of haribo in. DH says she can't have any of them, and has put them into the cupboard. I said why would one little treatsize bag harm her, when she eats so much rubbish at home anyway. We never give her sweets, and surely a treat on her birthday won't hurt her. After all, he is ok with her having a slice of chocolate cake!

Now, I know she's his daughter, therefore he makes the final decision on what she can and can't do, but I feel he is being a little bit mean to not let her have one little bag of sweets.

So... who is being unreasonable?

By the way, we didn't have this arguement discussion in front of DSD.

How old is dsd and does she know about the haribo?

I'm tempted to side with DH if he is trying to maintain a "no sweets" household for dsd's benefit. Birthday cake is fine as part of a balanced diet but sweets are harder to justify.

From the other side of the coin, if she's having cake anyway why do you feel so strongly about her having the sweets?

If it's because you don't want to offend your mum then you could very easily explain the situation to her. If she doesn't get sweets normally and there's a concern about her weight I can see why your DH doesn't want to start letting her have them now to be honest.

Best of luck with it, sounds like you're doing your best for her!

Is a small bag of sweets going to contribute to her weight? No. Your partner should speak to his ex about DSD's diet at home. If she's eating crap there then your attempts to improve her diet will be futile.

A small bag of haribo isnt going to harm her if her diet isn't that great anyway perhaps her dad feels guilty about her being over weight and he is over reacting to a tiny bag of haribo ,

He's in a panic about her so isn't thinkng reasonably. We all get ott about the kids and don't think sensibly at times.

If the sweets came with her from home whether from her mum or her mum's mum, be honest wouldn't your first thought have been,
"Oh here we go again, more junk?"
It was a nice thought of your mother but if you are trying to make your house an Eat Sensibly zone, with birthday cake a special once a year exception, I'd agree with your DH.

I can see your husband´s side.

Must be bad enough that she eats crap most of the time & now your mum has joined in with the crap iyswim.

But I also can´t help thinking that there are what about 8 sweets in one of the bags?

So that plus a slice of cake doesn´t seem excessive!

In the mean time-is your husband trying to do anything about her weight-bike rides when he sees her for example?

Thanks for replies. She is 11, and yes she did see the sweets and was excited to have them :-( .

He has spoken to his ex loads of times but she says,oh yes I'll try and cut down what she eats, but she's been consistently putting on weight. She fits into my clothes (size 12), and actually a lot of my clothes are too tight on her.

I can totally see DH's point of view, but at the same time I don't think a tiny bag of sweets will hurt her.

Oh its hard work being a step parent!!

I think you have the right balance, it is such a shame she doesn't get a balanced approach to food all of the time. Also, there is always the chance that by not allowing her to have some of the sweets her mum sent, the mum might get the hump.

I get these bags of haribo and they won't harm her considering an already shocking diet for most of her days. They are tiny.

Dh is wrong. Surely he knew that anyway? Let the birthday girl have a treat then return to colditz.

Well we've argued a bit about this today but he won't back down so I guess I have to, seeing as she is not my child. I feel sorry for her though, she's asked a couple of times if she can have a bag :-( .

She has no idea about calories and we've tried educating her so many times but she goes home, and completely different rules are in place. It must be so confusing for her.

She does get lots of treats when she's with us, but it would be something like a pack of stickers, or a book, nice pen etc. She's quite happy with this and never ever asks for sweets. But on her birthday... Just one tiny bag?! Oh well, may as well drop it now!

I don't think that in terms of the 1 incident it matters. However, your dh may want to discuss dsd weight with his expartner in the future and would not wish to reduce his side of the argument.

I think your DH has bigger problems than worrying about a bag of Haribo if his DD gets such a bad diet at her primary home. That said, it's possible that since he's getting nowhere controlling her diet at her mum's, that he has suddenly become anal about her diet at your house as a way of compensating. It doesn't really help matters of course, but my guess is that's how he's thinking.

Is it an issue with money for your DSD's mum? She's old enough to help with some meal preparation now, so could you try making a few healthy but really simple meals with her that she can help replicate at her mum's? Starting her on cooking nice things for herself now may well be the only way you can save her from adult obesity.

I know from bitter experience that a poor diet during childhood leads to bigger problems (physically and psychologically) in adulthood.