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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want this over now

27 replies

freakingaht · 24/11/2012 10:56

After discovering I am pregnant for the third time (unplanned, coil in situ) My husband and I have had an awful few days trying to work out what to do for the best. This was very much an unwanted pregnancy as we have 2 gorgeous kids and had decided that we would stop at two. I had a tough time in my last pregancy and nearly ruptured my uterus in labour so i was advised by the midwife to not have any more. My husband was going to have a vascectomy in a couple of years, as we were only 99% sure and needed to be absolutely sure we would not change our minds. Anyway now the decision has been made to not continue with this pregnancy. I am in constant turmoil and my guts are wretched with nerves as well as the starting of morning sickness. I just don't know how I am going to wait til my appointment on Thursday, as it feels like a lifetime away.
Please, I just want some support as I can't tell antone in RL what I am going through and its so hard having only my husband to talk to. I really don't want any pro- lifers hijacking this as I feel guilty enough as it is.

OP posts:
Uppermid · 24/11/2012 10:58

You need to do what's right for you and your family. This is your decision and yours alone. Don't be guilted into doing anything you don't want to do.

Uppermid · 24/11/2012 10:59

Just read that and realised it could be taken the wrong way, in your situation I would do the same. Hope you're ok

Dawndonna · 24/11/2012 11:01

If it's the right thing for you and your family, then just go ahead. You've already had life threatening difficulties, nobody would tell you that you're wrong.
Hope you're okay.

crunchernumber · 24/11/2012 11:01

Have you read Caitlin Moran's How To Be A Woman?

The final chapter deals with her termination, which she had after she'd completed her family.

It's lovely and may help you.

You are making the decision which is right for you and your family. Hold onto that Smile

crunchernumber · 24/11/2012 11:02

Lovely is probably the wrong word but you know what I mean Wink

FobblyWoof · 24/11/2012 11:03

What a terrible wait for you. Sod the pro-lifers, you have to do what's best for your existing family and it sounds very much like you and your dh are doing just that.

Just remember that you don't have to be strong all the time if you don't want to and it's perfectly alright to be upset. I hope Thursday comes around quickly for you

Original poster
freakingaht · 24/11/2012 11:05

Thankyou everyone, I know its the right decision, but I am worried that my heart is going to overrule my head. Its a logical well thought out decision, and absolutely the best thing all round but a small part of me just feels it is wrong to do this. I am sure it is natural to think that unless one is completely unfeeling. Thanks Crunchernumber i really think that would help me to read that.

OP posts:
StickEmUp · 24/11/2012 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 24/11/2012 11:12

Why do you feel it's wrong? You need to reconcile your heart with your head by being honest with yourself about how you're feeling. Hiding from it won't help - it'll all hit you later.

From what you say termination is a good decision, but something is holding you back. Can you figure out what that is?

axure · 24/11/2012 11:23

I was in your position a few years ago, went ahead and have had not one single regret. We knew it was the best thing to do for our family and we were right. Try to keep occupied until Thursday, don't sit and dwell about it. Don't be afraid to talk to your husband, he probably wants to talk but is too scared of upsetting you and you need to be sure you're both in 100% agreement. You sound very sensible and have given this a lot of thought and I'm sure you will have reached the right decision.

Lizzylou · 24/11/2012 11:27

Second the idea of reading Caitlin Moran. In your position I would absolutely choose a termination. You are doing what you have decided is the right thing for you and your family, take care.

EasilyBored · 24/11/2012 11:30

You have to make the right choice for youand your family, it doesn't matter what others think. Please don't feel guilty. I hope the next few days go really fast, try and keep busy. Lots of calm and supportive thoughts coming your way.

Original poster
freakingaht · 24/11/2012 12:02

Cailin Dana, there are so many reasons why I don't feel I can continue with this pregancy. Medical, financial, emotional, the list is endless for the arguement against. I guess my sadness just comes at having to make this decision in the first place. I felt like I did everything in my power to avoid having to make this decision, but here I am none the less. Its hard because I know how much a child is loved as soon as it is born, regardless of the circumstances before its birth. I know we would muddle through if we went ahead.

I don't want to muddle through, I don't want my emotional resources stretched so thin. I don't want the strain on my relationship and I don't want to have to struggle through life. It makes me cross when people say "have you considered your options? There are only two viable options and they both suck big time. The hardest decision is working out which option sucks the least. I feel very bitter about it all to be honest and feel very hard done by. Still such is life I guess...

OP posts:
Lia87 · 24/11/2012 12:05

I've always been quite against the idea of abortion, but in your situation if its what you definitely want it sounds for the best. If your lifes in danger continuing with the pregnancy then you'd be leaving your other children without a mum,
just try to keep distracted the next few days, maybe some days out to keep busy? and make sure someone goes with you to support you x

CailinDana · 24/11/2012 17:57

I think how you feel is totally understandable. It's horrible to have to face into something like this.

How are you feeling at the moment?

Original poster
freakingaht · 24/11/2012 18:41

Hi CailinDana, I am not too bad thanks. Just muddling through the day with the 2 smalls. I was meant to be going out tonight (first time in ages) with some friends. The trouble is these friends have no idea, nor will they ever, what I am dealing with at the moment. So because of this i will stay in. Its too hard to keep up the pretence of everything being fine. I must sound like a drama queen as I know people go through things like this and worse all the time. I really think I will be ok when its all over though. x

OP posts:
ElectricMonk · 24/11/2012 18:56

Be kind to yourself - you did everything you reasonably could to prevent this, and you are making this decision for the sake of your existing family. Your children will benefit far more from growing up with a living, healthy mother and the time and financial stability you can offer them now than they would from an additional sibling. The fact that it's hard on you emotionally doesn't make it morally wrong - it just shows that you are taking this decision as seriously as it needs to be taken. If you need to talk this through with somebody non-judgmental, maybe you could see a counselor (one who is separate from the termination process)?

FivesAndNorks · 24/11/2012 18:59

You did everything you could do within reason to not be here. Unfortunately you are here, and now you are doing the best thing for yourself and your family. Sorry you're having to go through this xx

pingu2209 · 24/11/2012 19:13

Sorry you and your dh are having to go through this at all. You were trying to be careful and using contraception. All I can say is that if you have a termination, the earlier the better. I think if it is less than 8 weeks you can have a chemical abortion, whereby you take 2 tablets and everything comes away like a heavy period. There is far less chance of any complications afterwards. Good luck.

NamingOfParts · 24/11/2012 19:53

You were absolutely trying not to have this happen. In my opinion you have every right to feel angry and sad that you have been let down not by your own actions but by the medical system. This isnt blaming individuals but blaming the dreadful communication between doctors surgery and hospital where the scan was done.

When you are through dealing with the situation then I would totally agree with making a formal complaint to your doctor's surgery.

We were in your position. We found out too late to have a choice so went ahead with the pregnancy. We did muddle through. However if we had found out sooner then I know that we would have made the same decision as you.

Crikeyblimey · 24/11/2012 20:02

So sorry you are in this situation. I had a termination 12 years ago amd whilst I occasionally think about it, it was a decision dh and I made together and was absolutely the right decision. Didn't stop it being a sad, hard decision but it was right.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself some time to heal.

If it is right (and it certainly sounds like it is), accept that, keep busy and stay strong.

WelshMaenad · 24/11/2012 20:10

I don't really have much wisdom to add but I know that in your situation we would make the same decision. We have two and just couldn't donut again for do many reasons, we would have to think of the children we already have. It sucks and must be so hard but you sound like you have thought it all through. Hope Thursday cones around quickly for you.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 24/11/2012 20:37

I completely understand your decision and would do the same. Take care of yourself and all the best.

Jingleflobba · 24/11/2012 20:38

Just another one with much sympathy here. I had one a long time ago and while I do sometimes still feel sad about it I know 100% it was the right decision.
Allow yourself time to heal and (this may sound stupid) allow yourself to think about the 'might have beens' afterwards. Confronting your feelings, positive and negative really will help you.
Are you having Friday off? Rest as much as possible, rope in people to take your other 2 off your hands over the weekend if you can as you will probably be up and down afterwards.
Thinking about you, it's a tough time xx

differentagainname · 24/11/2012 20:55

reading your op could have been reading about myself. different medical situation/risks etc. but similar story except I wasn't brave enough to ask for support from mumsnet - thought by writing it down it would make it more real and worried about people being mean :-(. Went through with it about a month ago now - was emotionally exhausting but was definitely the right decision for me. Was something I never thought i'd do, especially being in a loving relationship but i couldn't risk what i've already got (if you see what i mean). I felt all the things you describe - angry that we were in that position, sad that we had to make that awful decision, despite our best precautions.....

feel free to pm me - the wait was the worst bit.

xx

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