to want more support from my DP

[Bettyintheburbs]

I posted earlier this week. In short: had a bad reaction after Mirena was taken out and have been bleeding like a faucet since Weds. My DP is in the army, usually back with me and our 18 month old at weekends, but often in the week as well. He's only an hour's drive away, except at peak times when it can take 90 mins. This weekend, his sons, one at uni and one at boarding school sixth form, were meant to stay with him and as they don't see each other often (long story, predates us meeting) I had decided to stay at home and leave them to do father-son things on the base.

During the week I emailed him (only way I can contact him at work, phones banned) and explained I felt unwell and was struggling with the toddler. He called me several hours later, told me to 'rest and take an aspirin'. Had some lovely support on MN, went to bed early with hottie and codeine based painkillers.

Yesterday started TMI Warning passing enormous clots of blood, blood gushing out continually and feeling faint. Left toddler with mum and went back to doctor as I thought I must be having a miscarriage triggered by removing Mirena. Also for past week have been having uncontrollable crying spells that last up to half an hour, but often just a few mins where I am weeping as if someone had just died. Turns out some women just bleed like this after Mirena removal, was given more painkillers, told to take it easy (!) and not to worry.

Again, sent a message to work, he phoned and started to talk to me about getting a babysitter to give me a break, asked if it could be an ectopic pregnancy and then asked a lot of questions about my car which had also been for a service. No emotional support. Lots of long silence in the conversation which we have never had before.

Turns out his sons have changed plans. His oldest (who had spent the rest of the week with him already) had decided to visit friends this weekend. His younger one didn't feel well so postponed his travels until early afternoon today (Saturday). He'd promised to call me in the evening, didn't, so I called him. Again, I'd hoped he would come to see me and look after me.

He promised then to call this morning. It's early, but he hasn't yet. He often 'forgets' to call in our relationship, and usually I don't get into a pickle but just call him instead, but what I am desperate for is some support and don't know if I am just been knackered and hormonal in feeling so angry, hurt and demanding.

Did you ask him to cancel his weekend plans and come home? Of course he should have thought about doing, but IME, I have to tell DH what I want him to do, even though it pisses me off that I have to do that. (He was away on a golfing weekend when I had D&V, whilst looking after two young DCs. He forgot to phone the next day to see if I was OK ). If you had, what would have been his reaction?

Seriously, the behaviour of men never ceases to amaze me. Hope you're OK soon and your DH steps up.

If I'd asked him to cancel he would. I didn't want to come in the way of him and his sons who he has a fragile relationship with in part due to having been mostly deployed for a decade and being divorced from their DM. There were a couple of times when he could have driven over for the evening and night, including last night. He's done this often, when he suddenly misses me, has last minute theatre tickets etc and often will come to see me if he's been working closer to this way. It just hasn't entered his head to come and look after me and it hurts.

Sorry to be the one to say this, but there's a really high infidelity rate in the Army, especially amongst those who routinely live apart and even amongst those who appear to have a strong moral compass.

Has he been difficult to get hold of before? And have you ever checked eg exercise dates, rather than just taking his word for it?

Fragile relationship with his sones or not, it won't hurt to phone them and say, "sorry, Betty is unwell, we'll have to postpone "
Especially as the sons seem to have no qualms about cancelling on him.

YANBU and it might be an idea to start chucking your toys out of the pram and ask for what you want and need. Like "I don't want a babysitter, I want YOU to come home and help. So get in the bloody car now!"

Betty - I can understand why you are so upset and feeling you need more support. You do need more support.

But you could also phone your DP and ask him to come. You have said he'll do this, and yet you feel guilty? Guilty because you're passing blood clots and feeling faint and need help?

Your DP would do well to think more about your needs, absolutely. But so would you. Put your foot down.

Tell him to come and help you. DH is ex army and needs to be given orders. Also DH has no understanding of emotions, maybe it doesn't factor in that you're not directly telling him you need support.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds to me like he panicked about the news that you could have been pregnant.

I'm even more sorry to say that as a long standing Army wife who also works for the Army in their social services he will 100% definitely be 'allowed' a phone. Many don't have them on during the working day (8-5 unless prepping for something or on exercise) but evenings, weekends, lunchtime etc they can do what they like - the ONLY time phones are banned is when they are deployed in Afghanistan. They have personal landlines and Internet installed in their rooms.

When they finish work for the day they can do whatever they like, on a day to day basis it's the same as any job, phones included.

Have you ever been to camp? There's nothing stopping him taking you, so if you've been told you can't he lied.

If his sons visit on camp where do they stay? Serving parents who have visitation rights either live permanently in a quarter (house) or book a Welfare flat. Both of which you and DD would be allowed to stay at. Have you?

I am truly sorry OP but from what you have said it sounds like he is still married and living with his wife - when he's there you have to text him and he phones back later? This is a classic married man line and as I said he will be allowed a phone - he just doesn't want you phoning in case his wife answers

Levels of infidelity aren't actually higher in the Army you get bastards everywhere - they but soldiers do have more opportunities to lie...

I've lived on many camps - Army families do. Phones are encouraged not banned. It's part of our welfare.

Betty this sounds so scary for you. I agree that you need to tell him what you want. The only time my DH has rushed to my side was when I went into labour with DS2 and I expect that was just because he wanted to start paternity leave and I've been training him for fifteen years! Seriously, men are clueless when it comes to taking hints, they need to be instructed.

Coola were you in the Olympic jumping team? You leapt to that conclusion pretty fucking fast.

So, he could have been home in time last night to do the bedtime routine with your DC, make your dinner, give you a bit of sympathy, then leave at lunchtime today after giving you a lie-in, looking after your DC and making lunch. But as there's nothing in it from him (apart from a happier wife, but that doesn't seem top of the list of his priorities), he didn't bother .

How long have you been with him? Is he usually like this?

Badger I didn't leap - I came to it based on a sound WORKING and living knowledge - what he has said about not being allowed a phone is a LIE. It's the Army, not prison. There is no way what this man is telling her is true. Sorry you don't like it - but it's a fact. (And I've heard it more than once sadly too.... )

Thanks to everyone who has posted and said I am entitled to more support. I have asked. Appreciate the help and advice, stars, all of you. His response was that he didn't know what to do, feels a bad communicator, was embarrassed because it is 'women's issues'.

Now, to the infidelity and lies issue that others have raised. CoolaSchmoola, yes, I have been to the base. He lives in a quarter, not because he is married, he is definitely divorced (I've met his XH), but because his sons live with him. The oldest is on a gap year this year, and is there about three days a week at the mo, the younger one at 6 day per week boarding school and has been opting to live with his DM on Sundays, but back on some rare whole weekends (like this one).

And no, I haven't been lied to about phones. I don't want to say what he does, but the building he works in, mobile phones, private email etc are banned.They are locked in lockers. I am not allowed to visit that particular building, but have visited others and seen it, and understand that this is a security procedure.The room he is in is open plan, he has a phone on his desk but it mostly not at his desk but away on meetings (I know this as his colleagues, who I also know, answer it). His phone is in his quarter, which is close by However, he often works very late, to 10-11pm is not untypical. Again, I know this both because wives and partners of others in the same dept have talked about it (most of them live on the base) and also because sometimes I spontaneously turn up there, cook supper and then have waited up quite late and an exhausted DP has come back, surprised but happy to see me. DD has a room and cot in the quarter, but as it isn't for us (it predates us being a couple, and I am not officially allowed to live there because we are not married) I don't stay there often, maybe a night or two every month- 6 weeks.
I don't think he is having an affair because he's very relaxed about me turning up there at any time, lets DD play with his mobile, doesn't seem secretive, it's just a pain trying to get him to call. Other people like his mum, his sisters etc complain about him not calling and they and his sons often call me to find out where he is. I'm putting up with this unsatisfactory living situation as he is very close to the end of a long military career and the plan is to get a home together soon. I didn't want to get married so I could live on a quarter, and actually like my own civilian home. So, I think the infidelity and lies ideas are red herrings, just that he is crap at giving support, and probably doesn't know what's expected.

CoolaSchmoola yes he did panic, only because in his limited knowledge of obstetrics, he knew ectopics could be life threatening, and then would probably drop everything and run in like a hero. No sarcasm intended. He wants more children, so I don't think he was running scared.

OP I am REALLY pleased for you, honestly. When you said he wasn't allowed a phone you made it sound like he wasn't allowed one at all - which would have been a lie.

If you had said during the working day then I would have automatically known what you meant.

I am sorry that I raised the question, but I've heard the "not allowed a phone on camp" line so often in cases where it has been a married man, and it is so cruel I wouldn't want anyone to go through it. That was also the reason I asked about the quarter - because if he had one (which he does) and you'd been, then obviously he wasn't one of the bastards.

Glad you are getting more support .

Bless you. I've asked for more support. There isn't any evidence of any yet. Coola, you're right to warn women. These things do happen and it's horrible when they do.

I'm always open to advice from army wives as there are so many issues that are new to me, so a big thanks to all who sent me their perspectives. If he doesn't start showing some emotional and practical support soonish,he's in trouble.

Just an Update to say I had a Saturday evening and full Sunday of practical support and some conversations about emotional support too, which was then forthcoming. Discovered as wel that DP is quite sad. He was very tearful about a young colleague who has been killed and has some other worries so all in all, it was good to talk and I feel less angry knowing he's trying harder. Ladies, you've taught me to assert my needs more vociferously. It's not always easy for me to do that but am giving it renewed attention. The pain is better too which helps.

Glad you managed to have some time together. My dh isn't in the army but is tbh completely crap in times of need,he seems to shut down (except when ds was unwell in hospital). Hope you feel much better