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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

659 replies

AnameIcouldnotthinkof · 23/11/2012 21:07

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/12/2012 22:28

Good on you op, who needs those 3 Toxic people in your lives. I told my old fashioned and occasionally toxic mum abut your situation, and she was Shock, and thought your mum was really nasty. she said the same as everyone here, that your ds4 is art of te family and should be treated equally. Keep sticking to your guns, your all that poor little boy has

Thumbwitch · 01/12/2012 23:42

Well done Aname, for sticking to your guns.
Sorry that it's caused a bit of a rift - but it's your mum causing it, not you. Just remember that. [hsmile]

LemonBreeland · 02/12/2012 15:05

Glad to hear everyone else is being supportive Aname. I'm so sorry that your Mum is putting you all through this.

DIYapprentice · 02/12/2012 15:52

Well of course your older DB is sticking with your mum, to do otherwise would mean that he'd have to admit that the way your mum treated the rest of you by favouring him all the time was appalling.

Good for you for cutting her off, and enjoy the love of the rest of your family.

biff23 · 02/12/2012 18:16

I was adopted and treated differently from my siblings. I spent my childhood and a big part of adulthood believing I was disliked because of the adoption and also that I must be unlovable as my birth mother didn't want me either.

Do not let anyone treat your boy differently from the others, it has the potential to destroy him - this is not an exaggeration. You are the only one who can stop this, either they are all treated equally or you need to stop access from the ones who think like that.

piglettsmummy · 02/12/2012 18:25

YANBU!!! When you adopt a child you bring them into your family as an offices family member!!! Maybe it's time to shove a definition of adoption in front of her state you love all your children EQUALLY hense the reason you want them treated EQUALLY! If that doesn't work, well I would tell her that until she accepts you ds as an official family member then her selfish behaviour is not welcomed around you or your children!

CaptainCalamari · 02/12/2012 19:16

Just read through the whole thread, which has had me in tears. Well done for showing all your children that they don't need to put up with toxic relationships, and that your family unit is worth standing up for. I'm sure you'll have a fab Christmas with all the people who love you all equally around you. Xmas Smile

YuleBritannia · 02/12/2012 19:31

I'm with all the others who think know that your little boy is as precious to you as your others.

SushiPaws · 02/12/2012 19:55

Wow, just read this entire thread and am truly shocked at your mothers behaviour.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

You seem like a very sweet person, you will be better off without that slow poison in your life. Good luck OP.

ihaverunoutofnicknameideas · 02/12/2012 20:53

As someone who was adopted myself I am completely shocked that anyone would suggest that an adopted child is somehow not their parents' "real" child and therefore somehow less important than "blood" children. I feel so upset by your post, for your DS and by your mother's frankly unfathomable and inexcusable behaviour. Just to reiterate what everyone else has said here you and your family DO NOT need this influence in your life and your other DCs certainly don't need her presents. You have done the right (and brave) thing.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas x

shockers · 02/12/2012 21:04

Just checking back in. I see that the support for your whole family is unanimous, which must give you tremendous strength.

I wish you the happiest Christmas (and life!!) imaginable.

pigletmania · 02/12/2012 21:18

Everyone agrees on here which is a rarity, that must tell you something op

Lilka · 02/12/2012 21:50

You've definitely done the right thing OP

I'm a mum through adoption to 3 wonderful children, don't have any BC

Either the people around me are supportive, or they aren't around me. Full stop. Presents are for all, or for none

pigletmania · 02/12/2012 21:58

Your mum is disgusting op and your bother and SIL arse liCking mouth pieces for her. It's bollocks tatshe cannt afford a present for that little boy. It's a statement se is making by nt buying a present

JazzyTheSnowman · 02/12/2012 22:03

You give her an ultimatum.

She can:
A) Start treating ALL FOUR OF HER GRANDCHILDREN the same
B) Piss off out of your lives.

It's a simple choice, and if she cares about you, even a little, she'll pick option number one.

Frankly, I'm utterly flabbergasted that it has come down to this! He should have been treated like family from the VERY BEGINNING. Shocking behaviour from someone who is a mother herself.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/12/2012 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LateDeveloper · 02/12/2012 23:25

My gps did this to my younger sis - not adopted but they thought my dm should have put my dsis into care because she has downs syndrome.
Me and other sibs would get v v expensive gifts while sis got paper and crayons.

Dsis was always thrilled with her gift but DM fumed about it.

iheartmycat · 03/12/2012 00:42

That is so awful, op, how could you NOT love a motherless little child and WANT to bring them into your family?!

My aunt had 2 grandchildren who lived with their mum and their (ever-increasing) amount of half-siblings. My aunt felt so awful about going round with xmas presents for just 'her' grandchildren, she ended up giving the mum (her son's ex-gf) money at xmas, to spend as she saw fit on ALL of the children's xmas, instead of buying gifts herself.

iheartmycat · 03/12/2012 00:43

i don't mean YOU are awful, OP, you sound lovely!!! but your 'mother'.....

plim · 03/12/2012 08:43

Yanbu, how disrespectful towards you as her daughter never mind your ds. Have an of them stopped to think about how this must make you / your family feel? It's sucha self centred, blatant disregard for your family unit that I would be so tempted to give them a long, cool wide berth tbh. I have friends and family who say they can't afford to buy presents for me and dh but will buy for the kids which is fine by us but to single one child out is totally cruel. If you told them you're not buying for sil this year as she's not blood, is that acceptable? It would radio silence from me. Good luck op.

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2012 08:52

a bit late to the discussion, but how on earth can spending the same amount on your adopted DS' present show he is loved more than the others. By getting him nothing at all, it shows him he is loved less by certain family members.

I would tell her to not get any of the children anything and fuck off and when she is ready to treat your youngest son (presuming he is youngest?) in the same manner as the other children you will talk again.

Regardless of how she 'feels' she must put it aside for the sake of your whole family.

And your SIL too.

I am so sorry you have family members who are so mean spirited.

TobyLerone · 03/12/2012 08:56

In all honesty, my family could fuck right off if they pulled this with me. How dare your mother (and SIL) be such a bitch?

PavlovtheCat · 03/12/2012 09:10

Sorry, I have now read the whole thread.

I am sorry it has come to this. I am sorry that you have such uncaring members of the family, but I think you have done the right thing, for the right reasons. Your mother is toxic, and it's a shame, as she raised you to clearly a kind, generous spirited woman, who has chosen a similar partner.

You now have 3 unsupportive people out of your life, and by the sound of it, many many people who know that your 4 children are all wonderful. You have your own other siblings, and all your ILs who love your family unit jut as it is.

I hope time will make your decision easier. And continue to be sure in your mind you have made the right decision.

bringbacksideburns · 03/12/2012 09:29

You have so done the right thing. Without a doubt. I would never want to speak to her again. I would also be dubious about the other children seeing her in the future - who knows what poison she could feed them and what damage she could do.

I find her behaviour shocking and downright odd. Did she have a weird upbringing or something - how can you be so heartless and lacking in compassion for a 5 year old child?

Leave her to it.

BabyGiraffes · 03/12/2012 09:31

You did the right thing and your mother may not change her mind. Those feelings can run deep. dh parents died when he was quite young but he had a falling out with his aunt a few years ago because she phoned to demand dh and his brother (both adopted) should not accept a minor inheritance from a distant aunt (sth like £200 so not huge) because it was meant 'for family' (and she wanted her three children to get more cash). He's in his late 40s and his aunt has always treated him and his brother as second best. She's the only remaining relative but we no longer have contact with her.

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